One Less Reason

Alright, so I rewrote this song... there's music to it now although I think I might have to rewrite the music because I don't like the flow. Anyway, I think I made the story more... consistent... and gave it a bit more direction.


Silence

I know this deperation slipping in your eyes
I saw you on the otherside I'm outside looking in
I left you all alone to face all of your fears
Left you lifeless lying dead upon the ground

Your silence leaves the guilt in my hands
I left you one less reason to keep holding on


I walked head first into this endless nightmare
To try and save you from the things I'd never seen
I couldn't see your thoughts reflected in your eyes
Left you out in the cold so helpless so alone

Your silence leaves the guilt in my hands
I left you one less reason to keep holding on

You see the choice you made
You see the lives you take
You take away the breathless moments
You take it all you steal it all away


And all the things I never told you before
This is the one that hurts the most tonight
I never said that I ever cared to see you again
Left you to wonder if it ever could have been

Your silence leaves the guilt in my hands
I left you one less reason to keep holding on

You see the choice you made
You see the lives you take
You take away the breathless moments
You take it all you steal it all away

Hey Kalliope,

Thanks for the review!

I admit that the lyrics don't really have a direction - my lyrics aren't typically like this. I think I kind of started with the chorus... I then the verses turned into something else.

Most of the stuff I post actually has a story behind it and is written for a reason...

lol - the rhythm is probably because there is music that this goes with and such. I don't know...

Hey Janey,

too bad no one's critiqued this yet. =( This piece has a good flow, as I didn't stumble over anything while reading. That's a very good thing, because getting a good flow into a piece is one of the things that are very important when it comes to lyrics, but rather hard to learn.

However I didn't really understand what this song is about, which obviously isn't a good thing, since when someone hears your song on the radio the lyrics are supposed to mean something to that person and keep them listening. That's why there is such a thing as lyrics, because people want to say something not only in music, but also in words.

I can't even make out a general theme. Completely Clueless.

Good rythm and flow and some phrases like "And you give it all away" don't make a song. I don't see your message and I can't connect the fragments you have to a story. What's going on?

You begin with one idea and them somehow it just ends in something entirely vague and the listener has no idea what you're talking about.

Let's just take the beginning:

I know this desperation slipping in your eyes Desperation concerning what? Also: I'm not so sure about the use of "slipping" here. I can't picture desperation slipping in someones eyes.
Saw you on the other side I'm outside looking in Is that relevant for your message? You don't pick up the location and the situation in why the "I" sees the person these lyrics are directed at, so I'm not so sure about this line.

(chorus)
One less reason to keep holding on Why? What'd they do??
Leave you in your misery Is this "Should I leave you in..." or "I'll just..." Or something else?
In the dust so cold and angry you're The dust comes out of nowhere here, where's it come from? Why cold and angry and what's it got to do with the person these lyrics are directed at?
One less reason to be Be... what? What's this about?