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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Woe, intense man.
I liked it but it was very short.
I only found 1 error
couple.
I agree with KevinL you probably could've put more into it on what the story is about, but maybe you want that mysterious air to it.
Other than that, I think its really good!
I thought the prolouge was good, just one thing
I think this sentence mabye a little long.
Again I thought it was good an I think you should keep writing.
Yay, a new member! Welcome to YWS! A quick reminder: it's YWS etiquette to keep the review:work ratio at 2:1. That is, before you post a work, make sure you have two reviews to show for it. ^^
I'm Hawkie, and I'll be your reviewer today.
Definitely too long and awkward. I'd kick it off with "Foam and blood flooded from the she-wolf's mouth." Then go on to describe her.
This is telling, not showing. Don't just tell us what the creature was. Take us inside the wolf's mind, show her remembering the awful image of the creature.
That's quite a lot of information in one sentence. It might be effective to put in a flashback back to the day she was exiled. There were a few spelling mistakes, too, which I put in bold.
Put a semicolon after "still" to indicate a longer pause. Or better yet, just a plain honest period. ^^
[quote] She was dead.[/quote
Obvious much? "The she-wolf breathed no more" suffices.
Keep writing!
-Hawkie-
I agree with KevinL about that first sentence. It's a little bit confusing when you first read it. It is a very short prologue, but a prologue doesn't need to be that long. I also look forward to reading the rest of the story.
It was a very short prologue so I can't really say too much about how the story is. I think it would've been a little more interesting if you had described what exactly had happened to the she-wolf and maybe go into a bit more detail about the she-wolf herself.
Also the first sentence is kinda awkward and I would suggest rewriting it in order to make it a little more clear. I think you need a comma between wolf and with.
I'll look forward to the rest of the story.