The Power of War

When man is nervous, he does stupid things. He forget his morals; he forgets his fellow man. He fights. He kills.

-------------------------------------

The chilling wind slowly wrapped around the steps to the building, the sun had hidden itself deep beneath the winter clouds and the crowds were beginning to gather, worried faces exchanged amongst the journalists, setting up cameras which would broadcast the speech to the world.

Jean-Jacques had been waiting for almost two hours, watching the last leaves of Autumn blow across the pavement and unused pieces of paper soak up water from the murky puddles that littered the streets. His parents had gone to find a space where they would be able to see the podium clearly and he'd wandered through the crowd trying to keep warm. He could feel the chill slicing through the air, past his woolen scarf, and captivating the hairs upon his neck, whistling abrasively past his ears and seeping through the holes in his hat.

Looking up, he could see buildings tower into the sky; huge monoliths etched onto the landscape. Through the space in an alleyway he could see the clouds swirling around in the sky, their presence like the solemnness hanging over a funeral procession - and that's exactly what today felt like. A funeral procession.

The speakers crackled. The screens burst into life. The crowd fell silent. Hundreds upon thousands of heads turned towards the steps of London's National Gallery - like an army calling upon their General for their orders.

The voice boomed across the square; the city, the world. It seemed to be the only sound that could be heard for miles around.

"You have waited patiently, you have waited with resilience and you have waited with an outstanding loyalty. I thank you; each and every one of you, for that devotion and allegiance..."

"Speculation has reached it's peak. The dangers that face the galaxy are very much upon us, and, for the first time in our generation's history, our planet is at war. No amount of perseverance or persisting can re-establish our vital needs or links. Our neighboring planets and galaxies have forced us both into conflict."

"But I say this. Our great world will sustain itself. We will fight until we stand victorious. Our forces have been empowered to take everything that is ours; we shall strip our enemies of their honour! We shall remain strong and we shall remain united; fighting together, fighting for one another. Fighting for freedom..."

--

Those words were etched into his memory. Jean-Jacques vividly remembered the panic-stricken look on his everyone's faces as Commander Johnson announced the war, particularly on his parents faces when he returned home.

Now, 10 years later, they were dead. He remembered that vividly too.

An unjust killing of any description, by the very forces that were supposed to protect them. His house had been selected as part of the nationwide "cleansing" operation, unbeknown to himself or his mother or father. The glass shattered from the window frames, smoke filled the room, combat troops ripped the door from its hinges and, the next moment, his parents were thrown to the ground and shot in the feet and hands.

They had suffered the most brutal torture for many generations. Tied to chairs in their kitchen, they had their hair plucked from their scalps and doused in gasoline. This toxic entity was then placed in their mouths before been set alight; burning the flesh that held their throats together. All their bones were broken, one by one before the troops left; the blood stained footprints traipsed through the hall.

Jean-Jacques had watched on in horror from the utility closet. The bolt on the door was firmly latched and the only light that filtered in, was that of the sunlight and the flames from his parents burning carcasses.

He was now the Head of Law Enforcement Standards Authority - the person solely in charge of how the world's enforcement teams handled their assignments and how they would distinguish between that of a perpetrator and that of an innocent and frightened citizen. He knew that the days where the terror and harm from that which he had witnessed were long gone, but he also knew that there were followers that remained in the shadows, the fiercely loyal companions of a withered and corrupted administration, and he would not rest until every last one of them was pinned against a wall; a nail through their skull, bone smashed onto the floor of their houses, blood seeping down their torso and their souls sent to hell.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

You can earn up to 174 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.
Random avatar
jammiebrookes Comment

Thank you for your review on my piece!

I've also rectified some of the other errors which were apparent and you outlined and the revised edition is now above, if you would like to take another look.

Many thanks.

User avatar
sargsauce
Review

First off: the semicolons ( ; <--these guys). You've used it improperly just about every time, and it's a little distracting. You've been using it as sort of a comma or something. Keep in mind that semicolons are used when separating two independent clauses that are closely related. Something like:
This is how to use a semicolon; it separates two independent clauses.
But NOT:
This is not how to use a semicolon; with a dependent clause on one side or the other.

See what I mean? The first one is a complete idea on both sides. The second one does not ("with a dependent clause on one side or the other" is not a complete idea).
For example:

Jean-Jacques had been waiting for almost two hours; watching the last leaves of Autumn...

The first part is an independent clause, but the second part is not. So that semicolon is incorrect.

You can also use semicolons in lists where commas are used to avoid confusion, but I don't think any of those cases came up in your work. (In case you're curious, it looks like this. "That day was hot as heck; soaking wet, since it had rained buckets that morning; and full of grief for the countless worms dried up on the sidewalk.")

But also, semicolons have kind of a reputation as being a snooty punctuation mark. An intellectual's punctuation mark. So don't go all willy nilly on them; use them sparingly. Otherwise, you risk subconsciously alienating your reader.

Anyway, long story short, pretty much everywhere you used a semicolon, you should have a comma.

the crowds were beginning gather;

Typo. "beginning to gather..."

He could feel the cold air finding its way past his woolen scarf and onto his neck

The wording in this line is pretty weak. "...the cold air finding its way...onto his neck" just reads so lazily. "The cold air crept past his woolen scarf and chilled his neck" maybe? Something with a little more action and flavor to it.

We have speculated about the dangers that could face our nation and these dangers are very much upon us. After receiving a call from my advisors' office this morning, we are, for the first time in our generation's history, at war. Although we have persevered in our attempts to re-establish our vital partnership; we have done so in vain. Our neighbours have not accepted and, therefore, we are forced into conflict with those who are now our enemies."

Without any context, all of this "we did this" "we did that" "military/political this" just seems irrelevant and unnecessary. If we can't understand the context of any of the words (because the piece is so short and tells us no more), then the reader has little interest in this whole thing.

Our great planet will sustain itself.

I read this and thought it was a sci-fi battle between planets. But then I reread and see the talk about "our nation" and "neighbors." So the "planet" thing seems weird.

Jean-Jacques vividly remembered the panic-stricken look on his parents' faces as President Johnson announced the war

How could he when his parents "had gone to find a space where they would be able to see the podium clearly"? I assume they weren't standing anywhere near each other during the speech.

Accused of betrayal before being slaughtered in their own living room, by the very forces that were supposed to protect them

As readers, we don't understand the "power of war" if we don't understand why this happened. What was the accusation? Was it petty? Was it high-treason? Was it true? Was it false? Was it just? There's no power without any understanding. You've just shown us a snapshot of violence and said, "Feel sorry!" without the heart rending story.

Head of Law Enforcement Standards Authority - the person solely in charge of how the world's enforcement teams handled their assignments and how they would distinguish between that of a perpetrator and that of an innocent and frightened citizen.

How? You'd think they would've done a background check and seen that his parents were traitors. That would make him a sympathizer, right? So they wouldn't give him such a prestigious position knowing that he could feel sympathy for "the enemy" and turn on them at any moment.

the "Authoritarian Military Maneuver"

The who what now?

So all in all...I feel like I'm reading little excerpts of a larger work. Am I? I think this sounds like a solid basis for a much larger story, but you've withheld all the important parts and the consequences and the reasons. I think you should write this larger piece and then post it here. But as it stands now, it's just like a cardboard cut out without depth or anything behind it. It has a lot of potential, but right now it's just a commercial for a larger work.



Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus