Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so this was a decent piece here. There was a slightly questionable section there towards the end, but the majority of this was pretty well done and that ending was especially well chosen I think.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sarah twisted her strand of fiery red hair in her freckled fingers. Like I introduced her earlier Sarah was an old friend of mine but we weren’t exactly “tight”. We had been in the same batch since elementary school and I knew her for being a nice ginger kid who wore plenty of crystals around her neck and always had a handy deck of worn out tarot cards. Things got a little strange when I started dating Alexandra and by strange I mean she started getting moody when she saw me around her. Whatever that was all about she seemed like her old self once Alex was gone.

Today she sat next to me in Commerce looking exceptionally dressed up. She wore some sort of short sparkly t-shirt with a fortune teller lady on it and khaki colored cargoes along with red sneakers. She wore her usual crystals around her neck. One of them always caught my attention and that was a clear blue crystal fixed in a pendant with writings on it. Along with her jewelry and sparkling t-shirt, she probably lit up the class room. Commerce class was located on the top floor which had the shabbiest whiteboards and messed up desks with spray paint all over. I sat there with my head on the desk and observed Sarah place tarot cards over and over again. She had a look of frustration in her eyes.

Okay...so that's a slightly odd introduction there. It just seems to be taking an odd direction or two there, but then it is also pretty interesting, so as far as first chapters go, I think this happens to be a pretty good one here. You've done a good job of getting our attention as readers.

“You ok? You’ve been doing the same thing with your cards for the past fifteen minutes” I asked.

“I’m gonna continue till Mr.Bing reaches the top floor and class starts! I’m not giving in that easily spirits!” she exclaimed.

“Well ok, don’t let me get in the way…” I responded confused.

Her eyes shifted to me in worry as I broke the trance she was in.

“Ugh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m trying to find out some answers about the new transfer student from California…Estella Reverno. Maybe she provided me with some incomplete information.”

OKay...so that's introducing some interesting things to us readers there. The conversation is certainly also an interesting one there. Some interesting things going down right off the bat with this piece and so far I'm liking it.

“Estella? What do you know about her? What sort of answers are you searching?” I blurted out. I regretted opening my mouth when I saw the look on her face. Gratefully the bell rang and I grabbed my books and stormed out angrily.

I was mad at myself, I couldn’t act normally even to the mention of her name! I decided I would avoid her subject from now on no matter who talks of her. I could avoid looking at her trough out the last year of high school!

As my mind ran through methods of avoiding that...that! FORCE OF ATTRACTION! I realized I was still storming around 1 floor and I bumped into a brunette holding a stack of books nearly touching the ceiling. The books fell on my head, no serious damage.

Okayy...not sure the caps lock is particularly necessary, the general sense of awkwardness in the air and the rest of it works pretty well I think to indicate that. Overall, not a bad scene here, I love the subtle details included into it there.

“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t looking! Are you ok?” I asked.

“Haha we just can’t stop meeting each other by accident can we?” she giggled.

I looked up in horror to see a pair of dark brown empty eyes looking down at me. I grabbed my bag and got up to leave in a rush.

And a bit of a cliffhanger her to end on. Hmm, despite that slightly questionable middle period there, the ending of this piece is pretty well done, it definitely makes you curious about what's going to happen next.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is off to a good start here. There's a good sense of the characters that I assume are meant to be the main ones here and there's enough interesting things going on to make you as a reader want to read on.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi, so far I am utterly confused about this piece. That could be because I haven't read any of the earlier parts, but I'm not sure what part of the chapter this is. Is it a chapter? I think this is why you haven't received many reviews. I think you probably will get more reviews if before your piece, when you post, you provide a brief description of what you have posted so readers know where to start. Like this: (The spoiler lets readers know that it isn't part of the story)

That is just two sentences and shouldn't take you so long. Also, I am not actually sure what happened so I left that out. I think you need to spend less time giving descriptions about what people look like and slow down on the action parts. Explain things more before jumping to the next scene. What is your main character thinking and feeling? Why are they thinking and feeling that? Be clear about things. Have you ever read the Harry Potter books? If so you know that J. K. Rowling is clear when she explains what Harry is going through. Try to picture what she would do while you are writing. Make sure you've explained something before you move on. Because I don't know why he is so obsessed with this Estella chick or why Sarah acted weird when he started to date another girl.

I also think you need to work on your characters personalities. I'm sure they have them; the way you described Sarah I have a clear picture of her in my mind. The problem comes in when their personalities don't show through when they are talking and interacting with their friends. Make it dramatic as you have to just as long as I can tell them apart! This is a real skill because sometimes in writing we have to make things more theatrical to get our points across. If you look at any good fantasy book there are always those certain characters that are over the tom. It is okay! They don't seem as theatrical when someone reads it. Plus, because your characters aren't showing through now even if you try you probably won't get to wild.

There are a few other problems like grammar and nitpicks, but I think you should just focus on these two things for now. Oh I might as well let myself give you two nitpicks. First, unless this guy is super short and doesn't care for hot females, most males would notice when a girl who was taller than them walked by. I mean, what guy doesn't like long legs? Also, in the very first sentence you said Sarah's fingers were freckled. I have tons of freckles and I have not one freckle only one freckle on my fingers. It just seemed a bit weird, but I suppose this is fantasy.

Anyway I think this is good and I would like to hear more; it is really a shame you haven't received any reviews! Oh well. I hope I helped, but if you have any questions or want another review just P.M. me!

- Calli