Published January 27, 2010
The End of a Dream
They tell me to move along,
that it's time to move on,
but I can't help but linger
at the gravesite.
Others come to bury theirs.
They leave so quickly,
abandoning their charges to an endless cemetary.
I wonder how it came to this,
a lonely plot in the ground
with no marker, no one around,
and cried
for my own failure, my neglect,
for what has died
and what it means;
the end of a dream.
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Rose pretty much said anything I would of said and put it better as well.
The subject of mortality is a very narrow one and is a very personal thing that is hard to share with others. I think you made a great poem with that considered.
I thought it was pretty interesting as well that it was the speaker. I wasn't expecting that.
Although, I didn't really like that you used 'move' in the first two lines like that. It kind of seems too repetitive for me.
With a little bit of work, this poem could be really great. I really like the underlining tone of it.
Okay. So, first of all, the first two lines don't go well together, actually they completely didn't fit, in my opinion. You also spelled cemetery wrong. You said 'cemetary', and it's 'cemetery'.
So, I like the last two lines, but everything else...didn't really do anything for me. It didn't seem to flow so well all the time.
And, capitalize your lines.
Tata.
-Mizz
I totally agree with S.S. Rose. While this poem has tons of potential, it needs tons of work. First, you had no imagery. While poems don't always need this, you sort of talked about a gravestone and cemetery. Describe them! And, as S.S said, you need to flow. Figure out a meter, and stick to it! You have tons of potential, and this will be an awesome poem with work. Also, welcome to YWS!
--Dreamy
Hello...
First off, you spelled cemetery wrong. That bothers your readers to no end, trust me. Secondly, I thought your poem had some potential, but it didn't flow. You should try to work on that.
On another note, I found it interesting that the mourner grieved not for the dead person but for themselves. Good characterization.
Otherwise, the poem was pretty boring. Try to spice up your wording a bit. You don't have to make it lively, just make it impossible not to read.
Good luck,
S.S. Rose