Young Writers Society

Hey Jamal! Welcome to Young Writers Society!

Lizz is right that normally people put character descriptions over in the forums, but that's okay, you'll get used to the site!

I like what you've got here. You could easily just go with the adjective "fascinating" but you delve into it, and I can just picture how this guy looks.

One critique is I thought it was redundant to say both "seemed unnatural" and "almost otherworldly".

And the last sentence is quite dramatic. "ideals of men" might mean his body is morally odd (like a person's ideals) or he just isn't what a man normally looks like, which makes me wonder if he's very feminine looking, or if he's just not "buff" and really muscular.

Anyways, good luck in your future writing! And feel free to reach out if you need any help finding your way around the site.

~alliyah

Hey there dude.
Welcome to YWS.

First off, this isn't really a script in the way of what I would classify as a script. This just seems to be a short character description that might lead further into a full script later on. So if these are character descriptions for a larger product, consider posting a thread in Writers Corner. That forum in Resources is devoted to pitching ideas and getting feedback on them, without the cost of going through the publishing center.

And even as a character description, I'm only getting a vague idea of this character you have presented to the audience. The opening line kills the rest of the description for me because you are declaring a fact and then trying to defeat the declaration the entire time. I think perhaps you were looking for a different wording that presented the character as intimidating, but you've instead created this other form that would be attractive to most readers.

The ending line tries to mimic the first line. But it's still not working out for me because the middle is not matching up. That's what makes it so weird to read over this little description. I have no context for the rest of this story or any of the other characters, so I have to deal with the isolation of these descriptions. I'm assuming that the title is the character name but that's not doing anything for me either.

So I think you need to find the right format to tell this description through.
If you've got any questions about yws or this review, just ask.
that's all I've got to say for now.
- Lizz