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Story scribble

by jamalkadiorovna


“Bruises and scars suit you,” she told him with an insecure smile and brushed away his hair from the open wound, her fingers offhandedly caressing his skin. The new intimacy thrown upon them felt like fate, and she didn't know how to handle it. “But the blood doesn’t,” she continued, chuckling nervously, not quite brave enough to look into his piercing eyes. They could see straight into her soul, she was sure, and she wasn't ready for him to see that part of her. But he didn’t answer her, didn’t cease looking at her as she worked to restore his messed up face, and she could sense the hostile tension around them both. His whole being trembled and shook with an intensity that almost scared her. They would always be enemies, no matter her gentle teasing and light words.


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Points: 186
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Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:00 pm
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xazraelx wrote a review...



Oh my goddd this must be one of the most intense scenes I have read on here in the past week! I absolutely loved the characters and the depth you have given them in just a paragraph. I just noticed one slight problem though, this sentence:

" But he didn’t answer her, didn’t cease looking at her as she worked to restore his messed up face, and she could sense the hostile tension around them both. "

It seems like a bit of a run on sentence, and it kind of breaks the flow and fluency of your words and the atmosphere of the scene.

That's just my opinion though, have a great day!






Thank you for your feedback! Yes, I agree, now that you remark on it, I can see how it's a bit of a bumpy sentence and I'll be sure to fix it :)



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Fri Aug 24, 2018 2:54 am
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trappedheaven22 says...



Ooh, this gives me chills, the characters have so much depth from just a few sentences! Love it.






Thank you so much for the feedback and the kind words! :)



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Fri Aug 24, 2018 2:52 am
trappedheaven22 says...






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Fri Aug 24, 2018 2:05 am
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Leahcat517 says...



Hi I’m Leah! I really like this short it very accurately shows emotions you would most likely feel in this situation. Nitpicking though, the sentence, “But he didn’t answer her, didn’t cease looking at her as she worked to restore his messed up face, and she could sense the hostile tension around them both“ might be a bit of a run on though that is just my opinion.
Other than that, I really like it! I can’t wait to see if you write more of this! If you don’t I’ll look for other things you have written. Great job!






Thank you for the review, it's so nice to hear your opinion! Yeah, I can see now how it's not the smoothest sentence ;)



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Points: 149
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Fri Aug 24, 2018 2:04 am
Leahcat517 wrote a review...



Hi I’m Leah! I really like this short it very accurately shows emotions you would most likely feel in this situation. Nitpicking though, the sentence, “But he didn’t answer her, didn’t cease looking at her as she worked to restore his messed up face, and she could sense the hostile tension around them both“ might be a bit of a run on though that is just my opinion.
Other than that, I really like it! I can’t wait to see if you write more of this! If you don’t I’ll look for other things you have written. Great job!





The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson