Published December 30, 2009
He plugged the gap with gold
Alabasters no prize.
He stopped the hole in his grin
And the glimpsed pink tongue and sticky throat
And the unthought whistle
That made him squeak and creak
Like a rusty trolley
But now his tongue slips out
Slides right off the frictionless incisor
And the yellow shine stutters to black in a wrong light
He wishes, now, he’d stayed with white
And moans the troubles of reflective gnashers
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Yeah Jak, I think you should do something about making this more clear. Because I really thought you had just put a jumble of words together and expected it to be poetry. I'd like it to be a bit more obvious as to what you're talking about. I got from a few lines that you were talking about his teeth, but there was so much other stuff going on that I didn't realize that the teeth were the main focus. Also you ended with gnashers, and I really cringed at that word. There has to be a better word for teeth than gnashers. You obviously have talent, just by the descriptive words you used, I think you just need to cut back on too much flowery language in one poem.
it's about a man who loses a tooth and gets a gold one to replace it. Should i make this clearer? i thought it was easily understood, but then again i wrote it so obviously i'd think that.
umm I kind of have no idea what the heck this poem is saying. it seems a bit e.e.cummingsish. if that's the way it was meant to be, then okay you can do what you want. but I really had a hard time reading this, and I read it about 17 times over and still have NO CLUE what it's talking about. I mean in terms of reading it out loud, it sounded cool I guess, but I'd still like to understand it.