Gimme what I love

by jake457

  • Lyrics

Published September 23, 2010

Hey, this is a draft at the moment, need more inspiration to finish and tweak it. But it seems good for a rough copy. Have a look, review, love,hate or even eat a sandwich.

Some days, I feel so, that I don’t know
What to do
And sometimes, I like to…
Give up, on situations
And I’m not , good on complications
And I wont, say my obligations


[instrumental]


But, then, I met a girl
Jewel eyes, great smile
Oh~ makes my mind~ (swirl)
Need to find, the time to see her
Make a song, give a number
Sweep her off her feet


Then, I see her in my arms (o ooh ho)
Use my looks, use my charms
Get the girl with the words I got
And this is what ah say:


Chorus
Gimme what I want
What I love-
And that be you
It couldn’t be so true
That I’m, in love~ with you-


But what’s a guy , suppose to do
I'm not sincere, to buy a gift
I think ill sing, that I love you
And I’ll be ya lift, to heaven
Cause your, the best thing to happen
In my life, full of strife
And make it, seem so bright
That I'm feeling right
But nice


Chorus

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
soulidium
Review
soulidium wrote a review Review · Oct 16, 2010

jake457 wrote:Hey, this is a draft at the moment, need more inspiration to finish and tweak it. But it seems good for a rough copy. Have a look, review, love,hate or even eat a sandwich.

Some days, I feel so, that I don’t know
What to do
And sometimes, I like to…
Give up, on situations
And I’m not , good on complications
And I wont, say my obligations


[instrumental]


But, then, I met a girl
Jewel eyes, great smile
Oh~ makes my mind~ (swirl)
Need to find, the time to see her
Make a song, give a number
Sweep her off her feet


Then, I see her in my arms (o ooh ho)
Use my looks, use my charms
Get the girl with the words I got
And this is what ah say:


Chorus
Gimme what I want
What I love-
And that be you
It couldn’t be so true
That I’m, in love~ with you-


But what’s a guy , suppose to do
I'm not sincere, to buy a gift
I think ill sing, that I love you
And I’ll be ya lift, to heaven
Cause your, the best thing to happen
In my life, full of strife
And make it, seem so bright
That I'm feeling right
But nice


Chorus

User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2010

Hello there, Jake.

First off, I'd like to commend you for your formatting. It is easy to read, and the chorus and verses are clearly separated. This is much appreciated. The centering, however, makes this a bit difficult to read.

That said, you had a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, such as this one:

Sweep her off her feet

Lyrics follow the same spelling and grammar conventions as regular prose. If they didn't, they wouldn't be understandable. Now, while I can see why you may have put some extra commas in here and there to show the ends of melodic phrases, your reviewers do not have the benefit of seeing the sheet music nor listening to the song, so such extra punctuation reads as a bit superfluous. I suggest just punctuating your lyrics according to convention; it will make your lyrics easier to read.

Grammar and spelling aside, what you have so far flows well, and I can definitely see this being sung. In that regards, you did a good job.

Good luck with finishing.

User avatar
LadyPurple
Review
LadyPurple wrote a review Review · Sep 23, 2010

Hey again Jake. First off:

jake457 wrote: or even eat a sandwich.

Gladly! *Makes a sandwich and prepares to review* This will be hard without a spell check button.
[center]
Some days, I feel so, that I don’t know That doesn't really sound... right.... Maybe you left something out on mistake.
What to do
And sometimes, I like to…
Give up, on situations
And I’m not , good on complications
And I wont, say my obligations


[instrumental]


But, then, I met a girl
Jewel eyes, great smile
Oh~ makes my mind~ (swirl)
Need to find, the time to see her
Make a song, give a number
Sweep her of her feet


Then, I see her in my arms (o ooh ho)
Use my looks, use my charms
Get the girl with the words I got
And this is what ah I? say:


Chorus
Gimme what I want
What I love-
And that be you Try re-wording this. It doesn't exactly flow well.
It couldn’t be so true
That I’m, in love~ with you-


But what’s a guy , suppose to do
I'm not sincere, to buy a gift
I think I'll sing, that I love you
And I’ll be ya lift, to heaven
Cause you're, the best thing to happen
In my life, full of strife
And make it, seem so bright
That I'm feeling right
But nice

That was a really sweet love song. Some parts need work and I think you used some commas where they don't really need to be. I went by what I knew was spelled right and saw nothing wrong with your spelling. I hope you write more stuff sometime!
~Ladypurple.



You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling