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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey, Jaimemarexo!
I'm Euph, and I'm here to review your poem.
Let me start off by saying that although the idea is clever, it was a bit confusing trying to figure out what the flow is supposed to be. Once I figured out after a couple of reads what the poem seems to mean, I still wasn't sure what to make of it. It's a good start, but it needs some work.. Let's see what I can do to help you improve the quality of this poem.
Some small critiques that I have are that in the 10th line, "Let's be friends, let me wait so you can love" should be split into two separate lines, so it would be:
"Let's be friends.
Let me wait so you can love."
Also, the line before the last which reads, "I'll love you forever. i still do" should be split into two lines at the period, so it would be:
"I'll love you forever.
I still do."
Also, the last line, "You pretend. Forever and ever." should be split at the periods as well, so it would read:
"You pretend.
Forever and ever."
Also, you might want to work on separating this into stanzas, since it is a poem.
Try a line break before "Pure bliss.", before "Shattered.", and before "You pretend. Forever and ever."
As SparkOfDoubt said, colorful words are key, ESPECIALLY when it comes to poetry. Colorful words will help address both the point in your poem, and the expression that your narrator is feeling, enough to make the reader feel it TOO. This the goal of a writer.
Hi there! I'm Drama and I'm here to review you today!
So this poem... Hmm. I'm not sure what to make of it. It's good, but there feels like there's something off. We'll work on grammar, then get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?
Okay. So the more I read it, the more generic it sounds. "Oh I love him, but he doesn't love me,"
"Oh he lies to me, but I'll keep loving him."
It's generic, it's cliche, and it's overdone.
Which means you, as the writer, have to work EXTRA hard on making it original. You have to learn how to make a lying boyfriend/girlfriend sound new and exciting, horrible and excruciatingly painful.
Make us FEEL the pain of loving someone and them not loving you back. Put yourself in your character's shoes. Try to figure out how the narrator found out of about his/her lover not loving him/her anymore. Try to figure out why. What are the emotions running through the narrator's mind? Are they angry, bittersweet, sad, determined or a mix? Try to feel that emotion when you're writing this poem.
Right now, this poem has no emotion. I don't get a feel for whether the narrator is sad, angry or depressed. I don't know if they would go jump off a bridge tomorrow, or they're content to just love someone who doesn't love them back.
I don't feel like I know their secrets, I don't feel like I know their passion.
Most people think that poetry is easier, because you don't need to plot it.
This is NOT true. Poetry is harder, because you have to tell your story being cryptic, and colorful.
Which brings me to my next point. Colorful words. The color of your poem is a gray. There's not any words I don't hear every day. They're normal words that I use in an every day conversation. Try using a thesaurus next time to spice it up a bit.
And for my last point, I want to talk about your title. If I hadn't been browsing through, and it wasn't review day, I honestly would have never clicked on this. It's a generic title, which really lowers the quality of your poem. So next time you're posting, really take some time to think about your title. Make it original, make it memorable, and make it pop.
Nice start though!
If you have any questions, just drop me a line
~Drama
Hiya!
I like how you started out very much ""What if I told you I loved you?"
Eyes to the floor."
I thought that was good, the problem though is that you did not really continue that way.
It started getting a little too choppy.
The thing that got me a little confused though was who was who. I could not tell if the poem is about the person who looks down to the floor or if it is about the person saying "what if I told you I loved you?". So I thought I should mention that, if you were trying to portray a view from either side, I could not tell which view you were going for.
Other than that though I actually think that it is very nice! It had a true meaning and I appreciate that. I could tell the story you were trying to share was of love that is all words and no real depth, no true meaning, which is a wise topic because there people who do that, and a lot of poems about true love, but not about love that is fake.
Thanks for sharing!
Thewritersdream
I think this poem is a little bit shy, in its length and in that it doesn't really give away that much specifically. There are literally thousands of years of love poems, which is pretty special, that someone thousands of years ago can feel exactly the way someone does today, it binds and connects us to humanity. Each love is both entirely unique and universal. The weird part is, the more you reveal about the way you feel, the more you expose in your audience, because we feel what you do.
I have to say the carriage rides threw me. There was something very intimate but risky up until then, that thrill of knowing, not knowing, and particularly with "let me wait so you can love. You can love when it's convenient", tells this story of an unrequited love, they're into someone and the person they are into is not quite mature enough to see it just yet. So that is why the carriage threw me, because you don't generally have carriage rides with guys who you are just friends with, unless this is a historical thing, which would call the tone of the piece into question in a big way. So surrounding context would be good. Also 'magical moments', doesn't do it for me, leedle bit cliche. I can feel what you are trying to get at, and it's awesome, the concept is good, it's just, hiding somehow, you're not telling the whole story. Be brave.
Also here is a poem by ee cummings, I hope you will enjoy:
Hi,
It is a nice poem and really real. Like Epic said it started of a bit cliche but as you keep reading you find out that it is so much more.
I liked the way that it starts of all happy but then turns unexpectedly.
I love
your use of language is great and the way that in the space of two lines the mood suddenly changes.
It is a good poem and I really enjoyed it.
Hi there!
The moment I started reading, I thought "Ugh, this is so cliched," then I got to "Those magical moments we shared, shattered", and thought "Well now it's cliched heartbreak."
"You can love when it's convenient." That one line made the whole poem for me. It brought a realism that I think is hard to come by, so great job on that! Looking back, the poem is quite nice, because the "truth" at the end combats the sterotypical beginning, which is refreshing. As 567ajt commented, I think the poem deserves a better title. I think that if you hint at the real meaning of the poem in the title, that more people would read it. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and felt that it ended right, that closure was maintained.
So overall, nice job!
~Epic
AWWW. This is a really sweet poem. It has nice language and I love your use of call and response between the characters. It shows that while your characters share the same feelings, they say different things.
My only complaint: I think you could have given it a better title. The title seems generic and cliche. I would like a more original title, so people would notice this work more.
Just a quick review. I just stopped be for a little bit. Have fun!