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12+ Mature Content

Round and Round Chapter 1

by jadeactor


(I'm kinda a first time writer...so...don't expect too much, I'm not that good....>_<)

Round and round we've gone in circles, and still we've only traversed a minor arc of the circumference of this never-ending fallacy that is our life. Round and round has life brought me, oh poor Jake, yes, a repetition, a repetition of what? A repetition of failure. 

The curse of failure...has bested my body and soul. The curse of stupidity. The curse of weakness. What happens, when one loses, over and over again? That person loses hope. At least, what happened to me, until I met Sylvia. I still remember the day we met. I had found Sylvia, alone in the school halls at night, crying in a corner, bleeding from her hands. I remember approaching her, offering a hand.

"Hey, there. What's wrong?" I had asked.

Sylvia sniffled. "My daddy...He..." She cried even more. "What about your dad?" She raised her head, revealing deathly pale skin, blue eyes, and graceful, flowing white hair. "He...He...He fought with my mommy. He said...He didn't want me. He said that...he didn't want to deal with..my autism..." 

Oh...God. Poor child. "Look...I'll help you, alright? I'll help you." I try to reach out to her hand, but she shies away. Guess she doesn't like physical touch. "You're more than just your dad's daughter. You're a special person. Alright?"

Sylvia looks up. "I...I guess...I'll let you help me. Are you...Are you like me?" I take a deep breath. "Not really. I'm just in...a similar situation as you are." Sylvia's crystal-blue eyes met with mine. "What situation are you in?"

I cough. "I'd rather not say. Maybe I'll tell you when I feel like it." Sylvia extends her hand, which is shaking violently. I grip her hand to stop it from shaking. "Alright. I'll help you. But maybe...you could help me too?"

Sylvia smiles. "I'll try my best!"

---

That was how Sylvia and I met. After that day, we became friends, and eventually lovers. However, our relationship wasn't exactly the best. Sylvia would rant out her problems to me, and I would rant out my problems to her. Eventually, it devolved into us getting into drinking to cope with our problems. We would hold each other, cry in each others' arms, and eventually, we decided that...life was a lost cause. We would try, and try and try, but life would never give us the victory, the one that we deserved so much, the one we worked to. 

Sylvia's autism eventually got worse, to the point where her mannerisms became obvious in public, and she would more often throw temper tantrums. It was a never-ending loop where Sylvia needed me to give her the love that she never had, and she gave me the feeling of being needed by someone.

Eventually, our relationship devolved to drowning in our own sadness until we ran out of tears. When that happened, we would vent out our anger on several punching bags in the gym.

However, it all changed on that day. I had went out, and went out, and then found a letter on a table in our apartment. THE BRIDGE. MEET ME, JAKE, AND WE WILL BE RID OF OUR SUFFERING. Oh, no. I rushed out from the apartment as fast as fast as possible, towards the bridge. Was she going to...No. Then I saw her. Her silky white hair, flowing in the wind, facing the boundless sea that lay before her. She turned her head, and I saw...A manic Sylvia. Her face was contorted into a wide smile.

"You've come, Jake! Now we can do it together!" Oh, no. Is she...She had too much to drink. It's okay. I'll just bring her back, and-WHAM. Before I know it, I find myself on the floor. Sylvia bashes my head in the floor, causing me to feel...Giddy. Is this death?

"Heh...Hah...Jake..." She carries my body to the edge of the bridge. "Jake...We'll be rid of this world, this cursed world..!" She kisses me on the lips, delicately, before, with me in her arms, she jumps off the bridge.

---

Where am I? I don't feel much. I feel the churning of water...Darkness. I wake up with a jolt. 10:30 A.M. Was this...a dream? I wake up, and check the stock market. Exactly the same as today's. Today's crossword. Exactly the same. Was this really...What they called a time loop? Then was I truly...dead? Did Sylvia and I really commit a double suicide? 

...No. I was given an opportunity. I would not let Sylvia die. Really? a small voice echoes in my mind. And why is that? Do you really wanna save Sylvia? Or do you want her because you need her? 

Shut up. I slap myself a little, and with a solemn face, I leave my bedroom.


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Fri Sep 22, 2023 8:24 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there jadeactor! Icy here for a quick review this Friday :)

For a first time writer, this was really well written! I'm going to kick off with a technical point though, and that's about how speech should be written in prose. The general rule is to start a new line each time a new character is speaking.

So instead of this:

Sylvia sniffled. "My daddy...He..." She cried even more. "What about your dad?" She raised her head, revealing deathly pale skin, blue eyes, and graceful, flowing white hair. "He...He...He fought with my mommy. He said...He didn't want me. He said that...he didn't want to deal with..my autism..."


You'd have:

Sylvia sniffled. "My daddy...He..." She cried even more.

"What about your dad?"

She raised her head, revealing deathly pale skin, blue eyes, and graceful, flowing white hair. "He...He...He fought with my mommy. He said...He didn't want me. He said that...he didn't want to deal with..my autism..."


See how that makes it clearer to follow who's speaking? There's some great resources for how to write dialogue on YWS, one of which I'll link here.

I was surprised at the progression of relationship between our main character and Slyvia in the subsequent section because honestly she seemed way younger in the previous bit. I got the impression she was only about five or so, but our MC seems waaay older.

The narrative also progresses super fast which I have mixed feelings towards. I think on the one hand it needs to go quickly if this is chapter one of many and we're trying to get acquainted with a lot of ideas in a short space of time. But also I'm not finding myself attached to the storyline yet because it's quite choppy and changes a lot!

Overall I think there's definitely potential and it's a good start - it might need a rethink in terms of structure when you get further into the novel and have a better idea of where you're going with the storyline.

Hope this was helpful!

Icy




jadeactor says...


yeah thy're the same age, before the timeskip, shoulda clarified on that earlier on in the story lmao...thanks!



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Fri Sep 22, 2023 7:57 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I did not expect that ending. I wonder now if that really happened. Maybe it was just a dream…or when Jake “wakes up”, he actually goes into the afterlife. What if Jake and Sylvia aren’t in the afterlife, but in purgatory? I guess that will remain a mystery for now.

I enjoyed this chapter and I’ll be sure to check out the next one.

I hope that you will have a wonderful day/night.




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Fri Sep 22, 2023 2:29 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

For a beginner this is quite an interesting read. You did an amazing job, I was sitting on the edge of my seat at the end of the story. I love the names you chose for your character and I think you did well with your dialogues.

You could add some more descriptions and emotions in your story, but that will come in time. I would really like to read a follow up chapter on this one, if you decide that you will continue it. You did a great job on choosing a good title too.

Areas to Improve:✒️

Try to make the descriptions more vivid, add some more emotion and realistic feeling to your scenes.

For example,
Before
Sylvia sniffled. "My daddy...He..." She cried even more. "What about your dad?" She raised her head, revealing deathly pale skin, blue eyes, and graceful, flowing white hair. "He...He...He fought with my mommy. He said...He didn't want me. He said that...he didn't want to deal with..my autism..."


After
Sylvia sniffled. "My daddy...He..." She cried even more. "What about your dad?" She raised her head, revealing deathly pale skin, blue eyes, and graceful, flowing white hair. "He...He...He fought with my mommy. He said...He didn't want me. He said that...he didn't want to deal with..my autism..." Her voice sounded so weak and her eyes were puffy and red. She had big bags under her eyes for a girl of her age that was not a beautiful sight.


~~~
I would not use the word child here, because later on she becomes his lover. So maybe use something else like woman, lady, girl, babe.

Oh...God. Poor child. "Look...I'll help you, alright? I'll help you." I try to reach out to her hand, but she shies away. Guess she doesn't like physical touch. "You're more than just your dad's daughter. You're a special person. Alright?"


~~~
Change this

"You've come, Jake! Now we can do it together!" Oh, no. Is she...She had too much to drink. It's okay. I'll just bring her back, and-WHAM. Before I know it, I find myself on the floor. Sylvia bashes my head in the floor, causing me to feel...Giddy. Is this death?

INTO this

"You've come, Jake! Now we can do it together!" Oh, no. Is she...She had too much to drink. It's okay. I'll just bring her back, and-WHAM. Before I know it, I find myself on the floor. Sylvia bashes my head on the floor, causing me to feel...Giddy. Is this death?

~~~

This Part seems a little off.

Oh, no. Is she...She had too much to drink.


I would suggest you use

She had drunk too much of the liquor.



Nailed It!💐

This is my favourite Part because it is the climax of the story. I had a feeling from the beginning that one of them was going to snap. But in the films it is always the guy who snaps and kills his girl, but this was good thinking. It was creepy, but the good kind of creepy.

"You've come, Jake! Now we can do it together!" Oh, no. Is she...She had too much to drink. It's okay. I'll just bring her back, and-WHAM. Before I know it, I find myself on the floor. Sylvia bashes my head in the floor, causing me to feel...Giddy. Is this death?

"Heh...Hah...Jake..." She carries my body to the edge of the bridge. "Jake...We'll be rid of this world, this cursed world..!" She kisses me on the lips, delicately, before, with me in her arms, she jumps off the bridge.


Overall Feelings:

I would definitely suggest you to continue this novel, if that's your wish. This is an amazing concept you have over here. Your dialogues are paired nicely along with your characters. I love that this is written from a first person point of view. Maybe do the second chapter from Sylvia's point of view. That would make things more interesting, you could work on providing some more clarifications here and there and adding some more descriptions, but aside from that. This was quite a good read! Not to forget your catshy title.

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

A Quiet World by @saltysnakes96

This short story is also about a murder, but with a cliffhanger ending. While reading your story I had the feeling that you would really enjoy this one.

The world has been quiet lately. Usually on a day like today, the rumble of the train passing through town would flow through the air until the ground shook. Now, only the barren cries of crows melt onto the ears of the few people out and about.

The world has been quiet since the accident. There is a rust-covered sign on the outskirts of town. It tells tourists that they have mistakenly driven past the big city into the void of desert beyond. It reads, “Branford, Population: 390”. Belle Albright knew each of the 389 others with whom she shared the town. She was the mayor’s daughter, the sweetheart of Branford. Big things don’t come along too often in a small place, but she was one of them. Her smile gave all who witnessed it goosebumps, as did her temptingly melodic voice. Many chased after her, though she was happily engaged to a promising young man from the city.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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jadeactor says...


yeah ik, i suck at descriptions and perspectives...i'll work on it :)



NadyaStatham says...


This is not meant as any offense. These are just suggestions to help you along the way.



jadeactor says...


I'm not interpreting it as offense, don't worry :)




When something is broken, it can be fixed.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe