Published February 11, 2009
The tongue’s eyes open only in a kiss.
When lashes flutter closed he at last achieves sight.
This intrepid explorer encounters his bliss
Whilst floundering deep in the breadth of your kiss.
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Canary word: Present
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141,460 Literary Works • 674,479 Reviews
pretty good. a bit short, but that's alright. you might want to think of making longer poems in the future. and the rhythm was a bit shaky in the second line. it does read well with the first line, so you might think of revising that. other than that, it was solid. appropriate use of vocabulary, decent subject matter... basically, it was alright, but very hard to judge, because of it's lack of length. keep on writing.
Pax,
zalarus
GAH!!!
Sorry but I'm a stickler for length, and with a work this good I wish there had been more, alot more.
Besides that though, very well done, what is there is very well composed and in fact makes me want to read it over and over.
The opening line caught me off guard and I'm still not sure what it means hah.
Great!
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I've been at MIT for a while, drowning in all the technical subject matter, and hadn't revisited my poetry in ages. In light of that, it feels great to get positive feedback.
Wow! This is one of the only short poems that I actually liked. The problem with short poems is that you don't get the same amount of meaning and depth as you might in a long poem, but that's not the case here. Your choice of words was incredible. The only thing that you could maybe work on was rhythm; it was a little shaky in some parts.
But other than that... Flawless.