[pre]Look up.
–Its 10:23.
says the face on the wall.
10:23
itch.
thirst.
bored.
no.
maybe.
tick.
gut.
feeling.
relax.
tock.
antsy.
leaving.
almost…
wait
It’s all a lie.
Somewhere along the sands –I mean hands–
of time, the clock broke.
Froze.
and all those things I felt belonged to another moment.
Those thoughts belonged to 10:23 –
that moment when the hands stopped ticking, and time’s pulse flat lined on the monitor.
Now, I realize it isn’t 10:23
therefore,
I now know that I know
nothing.
(by Socrates [philosopher] as written by
Plato [philosopher] because Socrates never
wrote anything, he just asked everything)
I am not even sure what time it is.
It is:
some-time-other-than-10:23
And I still don’t know when the bell rings. [/pre]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Points for trying, but I'm going to agree with Incandescence. Didn't quite work.
Without dispute, the poem was born out of a gimmick. It isn't a particularly engaging topic otherwise. Poems about boredom are generally; (you guessed it) boring.
But your fatal flaw was trying to tie it back into real life. Ironically these lines were the most awkward.
+ "Wait...... Its all a lie"
+"and I still don't know when the bell rings"
If you are putting down a fairly ambitious concept such as this, live or die by it. I would rather keep drifting in time, then be suddently and annoyingly trust back into (of all things) a school period. Surely you can do better, either tie it back to something more important, or keep us drifting.
Again, a commendable attempt, I think.
jacqueliemi,
The whole thing feels like a big gimmick.
The one-word lines aren't doing anything but annoying your readers and taking away from the poem.
I can see what you're trying to do, which is write a poem in the form of a footnote, but it just isn't working. Probably because most poems never work in this form (since the form becomes the poem).
Best,
Brad