The House

by jackspratt999

Published June 21, 2014

12+

In The House

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The house. There I was, standing very nervously at the house that I was dared to explore. This derelict house was the center of all stories at my new school. All the stories had something in common, a girl, a girl who was beaten by her abusive dad, and eventually died. I knew that being the new kid, it was only a matter of time before I would be dared to enter. No one would enter such a house, not even thrill seekers, but I had one motivation that led me to this point in time; popularity – every child’s dream. Being able to complete this dare would end me up in the top flight of kids, away from bullies, and away from the hell of being the new kid. As a result, before I had even finished surveying the house, I felt my arm reach for the rusting doorknob.

“Creek.” The sound obligatory for every derelict house to have. “derelict”, the word I kept repeating in my mind, telling myself that despite the rumours and stories around the school, that was all this house was. Not the H-word, not haunted. Upon entering this house I could see through the eyes of a blind man, with darkness submerging the building, despite it being daytime. Slowly and cautiously I walked around the front room, feeling for a light switch, a switch to heaven. Light makes a derelict house that much less scary, right? There it goes again. Derelict. Not haunted. Whilst in the house my concept of time vanished, meaning I may have been searching for the light switch for anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes. Either way, I had found it thanks to my now adjusting eyes. Quickly I turned on the switch expecting an array of light, however all I received was a single dimly lit light bulb, hanging loosely from the unlooked after ceiling, swinging ferociously as if someone had pushed it. Was someone else here?

Intriguingly and with the weapon of light on my side, I made progress travelling through this house, turning on every light I saw on the way. I can do this I thought, this will be easy, even though I had the slight suspicion I was not alone. Then I stopped. Strangely amongst the empty and lifeless rooms, I could hear and make out the faint yet familiarly creepy tune of “ring a ring a roses.” Confusion flew through my body, followed by the realisation that this house followed every aspect of a haunted house; the emptiness, the strange and creepy music, and the feeling of having unwanted company. I couldn’t leave though, it would damage my already small reputation, something unspeakable for me. Reluctantly I continued, growing closer to the source of the now loud and creepy slow music. “Ring a ring a roses...”

A door. A large white door with a speck of blood on it then stood in my way. No way around it, only through it. I knew the music was coming from behind it, it was obvious. Something else was obvious at this time aswell. TO NOT GO THROUGH THE BLOODSTAINED DOOR. Sadly, curiosity is a common trait in humans, a deadly trait that can lead to one’s death. I reached for the handle, hoping this was all a joke, and that behind the door the people who dared me would be laughing at me. I hoped. Deep down I knew this was not the case. Deep down I was as scared as a soldier fighting in Normandy. However, unlike the soldier in Normandy, I had a way out, but I didn’t choose it, and so I opened the door.

I stood at the now open entrance to the room, confused, and utterly scared. In front of me, amidst this abandoned and empty house lay a perfectly clean and un abandoned old fashioned girl’s bedroom. This is something from a horror film I thought, the house has been abandoned for decades, the girl died decades ago. However, a warm, child sized crease was present on the mattress, confirming my belief that I was not alone. The room, which had a collection of creepy dolls sitting perfectly arranged on the windowsill, lay home to a small table. The table reached out to me as directly upon it sat a music box, but instead of the expected reoccurring tune of ring a ring a roses, I was now presented with something different. Silence. Eerie silence.

At least someone could hear me scream. No. Why was I thinking like this? I had done it, I had explored the house. I knew I could leave now. I couldn’t though. I felt glued to floor for enough time to reflect on my situation. This made me scared. Fearful, and as a result panic ensued. A fatal error. As I was panicking, I ran, I ran and did not look back. I ran so fast that the silence was rudely interrupted. The person in this house could now hear me and know of my position. They could trap me and end my nightmare. Gladly, and with a sigh of relief, I reached the door alive. This relief was short lived though, as the door would not open, I was panicking too much. No. Not now. Not to me. Frantically I tried to budge the door open, before a strong smell filled my nostrils. Oh god. Urine. The worst thing to happen now. Even if I did get out alive, this endeavour would be worthless as I would be known in school for wetting myself, and any respect would be lost.

I tried to wipe it away, forgetting the ordeal I was in. The ordeal in which I was trapped in an abandoned house, almost certainly not alone. I was only reminded of this when it was too late, when a creek was heard from the old fashioned spiral staircase 30cm from me. I diverted my Attention from washing the pee stain from my trousers, and back to trying to escape. Whilst doing so, I caught a glimpse of the source of the noise. An extremely pale faced girl, in a blood stained floral dress; emotionless and lifeless, yet intent, slowly humming the tune to ring a ring a roses. She was similar in appearance to the identical twins in The Shining, and sent a shiver down my spine. She slowly walked down the stairs toward me, producing a loud “creek” every time. She wanted me dead. I just knew it. I faced away from the stairs, not wanting to look any longer at my likely murderer. Open, Come on, open. PLEASE. I knew it would not be long before my soul was whisked off to heaven, as every creek on the stairs was a creek closer to death.

Creek,” Ring a ring a roses....

“Creek,” A pocket full of poses....

Creek.” A Tissue, A Tissue....

“Creek.” You all fall...

“Creeeeekkkk.” DOWN....

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
erilea
Review
erilea wrote a review Review · Aug 3, 2014

Hi, jackspratt999, I don't think we've met. my name is wisegirl22, because I dare not reveal my real name, and this is amazing! I think we would be amazing friends if we tried.

So, my first error was spaces. This is common, being among iPads and computers, but I always wish someone would be a little more careful with the spaces. And typos. For weeks, I've corrected: "No typos." Not to, not whis, not anything. Just for you, do.

"Something else was obvious at this time aswell. TO NOT GO THROUGH THE BLOODSTAINED DOOR."

Nothing else. This was horrifically written, and I enjoyed it, although I will probably have nightmares after this. I am terrified of ghosts. And especially little girls coming to kill you when the door is locked. Wait--one last nitpick. At the end, that is not how you spell creak.

Best wishes,
wisegirl22

Markontheworld wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Creepy? Oh no, this wasn't creepy in the slightest! Though it was very well written in my opinion. The only problem I have with it is the beginning. Where you said popularity is every kids dream. That's not exactly true. There are some people like being weird and cool. Yes, popularity and being cool are two different things. With popularity a lot of people don't like you, but with being cool your chill and way more people like being around you. Mostly because you don't judge. This could just be my school though. Anyways can't wait to read more of your stuff! =^_^=

User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hello Jack, Wolf here for a review.

Great job, I actually found this really suspenseful and I even found myself looking around my room hoping that there wasn't some monster nearby watching me. I find it very ironic that when I finally start reading this, it starts thunderstorms outside. Even though this is extremely predictable, you still use that predictablity to creat suspense and boy was this freaky.

I have a few technical suggestions for you. First, you start a lot of abet ended with 'I' or a pronoun. Try to use different sentence varieties or start talking about something else. Dependent clauses are your best friends when it comes to creating a variety of sentence types and they can be used to do just about anything.

Also, I do see a lot of your paragraphs are really long. They kind of look intimidating to read (for certain reviewers I know this is the case.) I'm not sure if they just look long, or if they are actually over ten sentences (the average paragraph is five to ten sentences), but either way just try to look through and see if you can find good breaking points of when topics switch.

The ending song kind kf disappointed me. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be 'Ring Around the Roise' rather than 'A Ring a Ring of Roses'. Well, it too seemed a bit cliche. Ooh, a scary ghost girl who is being all creepy by singing children songs. Maybe find some other way that she's being creepy. Anyway, nice job! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

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User avatar
ellact2000
Review
ellact2000 wrote a review Review · Jun 23, 2014

Okay, so in the second paragraph you put the quotation marks around the word creek. I would advise against this as quotation marks are used to quote things, not necessarily to describe sound. Also, I think that using the ring around the rosie song was not a wise decision only because it is so overused. Those honestly are the only things I have a problem with, and enjoyed reading this. :)

User avatar
soyvil Comment
soyvil commented Comment · Jun 23, 2014

I really liked it. I thought the story was well spaced out, and the ending was great. I'll never listen to that song the same way again. Great job ;)

TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review Review · Jun 21, 2014

I have a feeling that this would make quite a good short film if it was directed right...
There are two major issues I spot here however.
Firstly, you have fallen bane to one of the least avoidable traps of short storys: the dreaded infodump. You should not have given away as much as you did in the first paragraph. For instance his motion, popularity, could have easily been later mentioned with a sentence like "The stupid thing was I was doing this for (insert favorite swear word here) popularity!" Going through the whole backstory at the beginning was a little tedious. Also the rumors, you could have certain things in the house triggering certain remembered dialogue. Things like "stabbed to death by her father" and "they tried to knock it down, but the contract was canceled when one of the builders died on the first day."
Secondly, I think you have overused the cliche. No not that, you have pointed out the cliche. This is o.k. in moderation, yet I think it is overused here and makes the reader all too aware that it isn't too original an idea.
Other than these, you prose is very fine, as is your description. Both main necessary traits in writing. What I mention above is mainly nit pick and fine tuning.
Anyways I hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!



I cannot separate the aesthetic pleasure of seeing a butterfly and the scientific pleasure of knowing what it is.
— Vladmir Nabokov