Published November 25, 2010
Thy World
Came from the center world
Rose in the darker world ;
Led by the black world,
Fed by the white world.
Fought for the green world
Bought by the red world
Came from the center world !
- Jack Noah
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Canary word: Present
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141,622 Literary Works • 675,207 Reviews
I liked it but I don't get the point of why you wrote it. Why did you?
It did confused me, I must admit.
What are your motives for Thy World-Cry of the slave?
Why did you write it?
What did you originally intend for people to get out of it?
All in all, you have written a good poem.
I just really want to know, why did you write it?
I did like your word choice, except for using the word 'word' after each line.
Keep writing!
From first point of view this seems enigmatic, but as first impressions generally wrong, I read it a few more times. I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for tonight events. After a few more reads this seems less mystical and more pretentious, your trying not to preach so far that you make the point so infinitedecimal at this point that you have too look at from every which way including back to front and still you can't discern the thing fully. I love subtly in poetry, but I also love understanding the message.
It's easy to sound enigmatic and hope that makes poem so impossible to comprehend that you'll get free past but that isn't the case as many of us on YWS are fans of poetry and the greats can be both subtle but also have various layers to make up for it, allowing some sorta of understanding.
Overall: This poem tries too hard and it's evident you try make a big message, but since many of us can't understand it in the end, it falls rather flat on it's feet. There is potential, but the use of olde english a big No no and the repetition of world get boring quickly, I suggest being more creative with the word choice.
Hope this helps.
Yeah, same here. It would make a nice chorus for a song...hehehe.
Interesting... I don't really understand it, but I kind of like it. It reminds me of Dr. Sues, which I hope you don't find offensive.