The Truth
I run outside and drop to my knees,
Hands trembling in the sky, crying, “Please, God, please!”
Mom’s got two jobs and two kids,
Trying to feed us while keeping her depression hid.
Every night she would pray to you,
But everyday you ignore the truth.
There’s nothing to be learned at school,
Where teachers say that a hard life don’t make who’ll
You be, because its the land of equal opportunity!
But of course, only money sets you free in this economy.
Rich CEOs sit high on their thrones
While poor kids rot in dysfunctional homes.
I can’t survive this life of poverty now,
Give me the strength Lord and please show me how.
How can us kids rise up and overcome
When our fathers are in jail, and we got no one
To be a true role model,
Except Britney with skirts up in clubs puking bottles?
Oh Lord, can't you see? Can you see?
How can you let them piss on the American Dream?
But we try to forget by living life to the fullest each day
With movies, gossip, and friends keeping us sane.
But I can’t stop thinking about my starving little sister.
I look like my drunk dad, I’ll always be a pathetic fucker.
I’m just a little kid, but even I can see people suffering
Under the icy fists of greedy men hustling.
If climbing up in life means shoving others down,
Then I’m sorry Lord, there’s no reason to live with that bullshit around.
God, give me one reason not to give up!
The truth of the matter is, it’s not enough.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! This poem has a couple of swear words in it - please rate it R.
Good ending, definitely strengthens your point.
I think the main problem with this is that it needs to be cleaned up a bit; your words are powerful, and I get what you're saying, but the errors (see above), lack of organization and rhythm still get in the way. Right now it's all one big chunk of writing, but you should think about dividing it into stanzas - start a new one with each new idea. That way, we'll be able to see the poem progress. And also, there really isn't a rhythm at all. Read the poem out loud: the lines that you stumble over or have trouble with are the ones that need changing. (Just a matter of adding or subtracting a word or two, but it does make a difference.)
Again, nice work, it just needs a bit of polish.
-Mars