z

Young Writers Society



they do not die another day

by jBlack_girl


He was brought here on sunday.
He left on a sunday.

She came on her own.
She left with a friend.

They came in silence.
They leave out loud.

People cheared when and as they came.
People mourned as they leave.

And even though they mourned,
they never cried because they knew,
that those two would never die,
and that would be shown as shame and weekness in thier eyes.

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196 Reviews

Points: 5388
Reviews: 196

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Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:58 am
peanutgallery007 wrote a review...



Hello again. I'm back and ready to review ;)

They came in silence.
They leave out loud.


I would modify this. Cassie is correct, "leave" needs to be "left". Also, I found a word you could use in the place of "out loud". Does "aloud" work? If you want something more... er... I want to say descriptive, but that isn't completely it. If you want a different choice, then try "vociferously". It's long, but if you wanted it in there, I mean... yeah? :oops:

People cheared when and as they came.
People mourned as they leave.

And even though they mourned,
they never cried because they knew,
that those two would never die,
and that would be shown as shame and weekness in thier eyes.


Change "cheared" into "cheered". Change "leave" into "left". Be sure to edit "weekness" into "weakness". and lastly, change "thier" into "their". All done!
I liked this poem mostly for it's comparisons on how things were before and after in each stanza. Keep it up :)




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38 Reviews

Points: 1090
Reviews: 38

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Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:32 pm
cassie17 wrote a review...



He was brought here on sunday. He CAME on a Sunday sounds better...please capitalize Sunday in this line and the next. It's a day of the week, not an ice cream in this situation. Capitalize! :D
He left on a sunday.

She came on her own.
She left with a friend.

They came in silence.
They leave out loud. I don't like this line. First of all, you're changing the tenses around...this should be "they left". The rest of the poem before this is past tense. Also, "out loud" just doesn't satisfy me. I'm sure you can think of a better way to express them leaving.

People cheared when and as they came. Change "cheared" to "cheered". Cheared is not a word. Also, take out "and as". You don't need it. All it does it ruin the flow.
People mourned as they leave. Once again, there's a problem with tenses. You're using past and present tense in the same sentence. Please change "as they leave" to "when they left".

And even though they mourned,
they never cried because they knew, I'm kind of confused...the "they mourned but never cried" seems sort of oxymoronic...also, you don't need a comma at the end of this line.
that those two would never die,
and that would be shown as shame and weekness in thier eyes. Please change "weekness" to "weakness" and "thier" to "their". Weekness and thier are not words. Also, this line is way to long compared to the rest of the poem. Can you shorten it somehow?


This poem, honestly, didn't have enough substance. I don't really understand any of it. It needs more detail, more elaboration. Why are the people mourning them? Did they mean something to the people? Did this boy and the girl become friends? I think they did, but you never really clarified. But most of all, why would these two "never die"? And why would it be shown as shame and weakness in their eyes? I'm totally lost...it's like a map with a whole bunch of squiggly lines for roads that overlap each other in a mindboggling sort of way and never lead anywhere.

-Cassie





constant state of confuzzle
— Quillfeather