One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love. But the boy came from a poor family. The girl's parents weren't too happy. So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well. In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter's hand..
But there was another problem:The man was a soldier. Soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year. The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love, ''will you marry me??'' She wiped a tear, said yes, and they were engaged. They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married...
But the tragedy struck. A few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident. It was a head-on collision. When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying. Immediately, she knew that she must had been badly injured.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged. Her once lovely face was now disfigured..
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror, "yesterday. I was beautiful, Today I'm a monster". Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds. Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance' from their promise. She knew he wouldn't want her anymore. She would forget about him and never see him again...
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters-but she wouldn't answer. He phoned her many times but she wouldn't return her calls..
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, "He's back from the war". The girl shouted, "No! Please don't tell him about me. Don't tell him I'm here! "..
The mother said, "He's getting married", and handed her a wedding invitation. The girl's heart sank. She knew she still loved him-but she had to forget him now. With great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation. And then she saw her name on it..
Confused, she asked, "what is this? "
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers. He knelt beside her and asked, "will you marry me? ". The girl covered her face with her hands and said, "I'm ugly! "..
The man said, "without your permission your mother sent me your photos. when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed. You're still the person I fell in deep love. You're still as beautiful as ever, Because:- " I love you".....
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141,378 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
If your purpose is to show that look has no effect on love, you've successfully done it! Your work explains the concept of true love, and also the fact that most girls care about their physical features too much, through the girl's fear of losing her beauty and the guy she loved.
The plot is good but I see you have a similar problem with some of my friends. If you change the way you present the story a bit, add more description and slow down the pace a little, the story will be more interesting. But anyways, you have already presented a beautiful story. Keep on practicing! Good luck~
Hello there, Desdemona here to drop a review.
Oh how I love cute little tales like this. They make me smile. Yours was no exception, I smiled. However I did wish this could be a bit longer and more detailed because it just feels hastily done like this. But apart from that I have no complaints.
Please don't listen to rude people and their discouraging words, you have done well. Keep writing
Love,
Des
This is one of the more shallow stories I have read, but I can see potential.
For one, the characters seem to be relatively shallow, try to give them more depth and personality if you want to move your audience.
For two, the plot seems also to be relatively shallow, If you want your audience to remember the story, then give the plot more detail, more character, more passion.
And for three, the ending is cliché, one of the most important parts of a story is the ending, and if you don't make it impactful, the story will fade away from your audiences mind.
In all, this seems to be a plot for a story, not a story itself.
If you give this story more character, people will remember it.
There are kinder and much more constructive ways to critique a weak story. Just saying. It's good to point out the weak spots, and you have made some valid points, but you word choice comes off as disrespectful. There is a difference between demolition and renovation.
Although that is true, that is just my honest opinion, and I respect the author, but with my pessimistic nature, I just see the story as empty, I would use kinder words if there was a passion, a reason for the story to be made. But, I see the story as nothing but a weak shell of something that if a reasonable amount of effor went into it, could be actually moving, so that is my reason for using the dark words.
That does not give you a right to discourage an aspiring writer. You must control yourself if you are reviewing a work, no matter how weak or "empty" it may be. You haven't even said anything constructive to help the writer out, but you have insulted them and most likely upset them as well. If these are your honest opinions, keep them to yourself because they are not helping.
@MandlynProductions
"If there was a reason for the story to be made"? What about the reason for this shallow comment of yours?
Also, you're suggesting that the person didn't put any effort into it. Well, maybe if you put some effort into your review, there would be no reason for a comment such as mine. Of course they put effort into it. They took time, probably many hours of their day to write something because they wanted to make art. And they have the courage to post it for many other people to see. Surely that wasn't as simple as sneezing out mean and unconstructive comments.
Reviews, at least on YWS, are a means of helping people, not bloating your own ego by showing how superior you are to others in saying how much they suck, implying that you're oh-so-educated and entitled to such derogatory criticism.
Have a nice day.
Well, if that is how you feel about my opinion, that is fine.
Okay, you win, it appears that my opinion unintentionally made people very upset. I messed up, what should I do to make things right.
Actually, I did put much thought into the review, and, as a human being, I have the right to a opinion, and I will not let anyone but myself change that. But maybe you're right, but you can't be because there's no right opinion.
It is a great piece to begin with. I would go through and attempt to change some of the bland, typical adjectives that you use. Use alternatives to beautiful, happy, etc. You could also expand on the introduction. I understand that they fall in love, but mention something about how or where they met? It could clue the reader into the setting. You could also expand on the war. Why did he have to go? Was it important? A lot of your issues with the story is just in lack of detail. I love the plot line and the basis of the story, you created a very sad love story. I just think you should review and look back through to add in some meat to make the story much more vivid and alive. You could make this incredible. The ending is also a little cliché, so I personally would change this just to avoid the predictable ending. But, if you decide to keep the ending, expand. The more description you have in your story, the better. Thank you for your piece! I wish you the best of luck!
That was so amazing. I almost cried, I'm serious. I loved this so much you did a fabulous job. This story touched my so much I just loved it. Of course it needs a few edits here and there, but let't not get into that. You did a really good job. I so hope you are proud. I've been wanting to write stories like this. You are also 15??? I don't even know how that't possible. You just earned a new follower. I really hope to see more from you. Keep up the good work kid.
*hugs*
Thank you buddy.. Love from my side.. I would feel lucky to collaborate with you...
Just a note: Calling something beautiful doesn't make it beautiful. Writing itself makes it beautiful. *hops out*
Here to review what looks like another romantic short, hopefully will be fun. Going to be pointing out whatever mistakes I find out and commenting on them, and hopefully helping you out in the long run.
"One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love." What kind of start to a "backstory", or whatever you want to call it, is this? Yeah, like, these two fall in love. ...And? You need to add some more description to this, even if it is just detailing the past.
"But there was another problem: The man was a soldier." But this happens, but this other thing happens. Is this character supposed to be the complete opposite of a Gary Stu and just have all these errors?
"Soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year." Way too over-paced. First they fall in love, then you discover this boy is poor. Then, in time, they realise he's good and all. And now he's just sent overseas for a year. You need to change it up, really.
"The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love, ''will you marry me??'' She wiped a tear, said yes, and they were engaged. They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married..." How beautiful! I would be shedding tears if this wasn't so over-paced and cheesy. Use some originality, use your imagination. I'm really against romantic fiction so I'm not sure how I can propose a solution to this, but at least try to change it up a little.
"But the tragedy struck. A few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident. It was a head-on collision." Again and again, you need to change the pace up with your writing. A year later, a few years later, a day later, a week later, a year later. Stop! Also, why does romantic literature need to rely on accidents, disabilities, and disorders so much nowadays to advance the plot and create a larger dramatic effect?
"When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying. Immediately, she knew that she must had been badly injured." No way she had been badly injured. Car crashes are no joke and a HEAD-ON collision can sometimes kill the passengers involved.
"Her once lovely face was now disfigured." A car crash can do a lot of things to you, but I wouldn't think that it would disfigure her face. I know a lot about wounds and injuries, and I'm sure the face wouldn't end up totally disfigured, with or without an airbag.
"She cried as she saw herself in the mirror, "yesterday. I was beautiful, Today I'm a monster." OK what? You don't say you're a monster and become a total drama queen about it. I'd be paying more attention to the the massive wounds she must have everywhere else on her body. Also, how on earth is she looking at a mirror when she's supposed to be still lying down. In fact, how has she even regained consciousness so quickly?
"Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds. Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance' from their promise. She knew he wouldn't want her anymore. She would forget about him and never see him again..." Well talk about exaggeration.
"He phoned her many times but she wouldn't return her calls..." Now I'm not a master intellect in this area, but I'm not sure a soldier brings out their iPhone 6 to war and calls their family now and then. There could be phone booths set up near the camp, but that's it. And if he had written to her, why did he need to call as well?
"But after one year." Argh.
"No! Please don't tell him about me. Don't tell him I'm here!" Yes mum and dad, don't tell the love of my life that I'm in hospital. It's not like he would care at all, right? Come on... Stop pretending that a character could be THIS dramatic.
"The girl's heart sank." He just came back from war! There's no way he could have appointed a rendez-vous with this flashy secretary and become engaged in a day.
"The man said, "without your permission your mother sent me your photos. when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed. You're still the person I fell in deep love. You're still as beautiful as ever, Because:- " I love you" Now I don't want to spoil the mood and everything, but this is cheesy. Oh, and didn't he already propose...?
There we have it, I made it to the end, so that's something. Here's my review and I hope you take it without pointing a gun to my face or something. Hope I wasn't too harsh, but there were some MAJOR errors in your work. Seeya'.
No problem.. buddy!!! i'll improve all the mistakes..
next time u'll not be able to point out mistakes in my work.. don't mind it..
You can never be so sure with me.
Aww I almost cried!! That was beautiful!! That was the most beautiful thing i have ever read this year! I'm so happy! I don't know how... but it made me rethink of how I view myself. Thank you and that was super lovely! Keep up the super awesometastic work!! I think I'm about to cry... So beautiful.. sorry for the ramble but it was so super beautiful!! The part that got to me most was when she came with the wedding invitation.. I was holding my breath ready to cry. But then my breath escaped with ultra happiness after. Waahh I'm crying... That part really still makes me nervous inside.. I'm bursting with new inspiration Thank you and keep up the awesometastic work!!!! I will go cry now...
Thanks a lot.. and please don't cry..
Too late.. I cried...
hehehe!! sorry..
That is a interesting opinion, not criticizing your thoughts, but the story went into far to little detail to be called beautiful in my mind.
Okey,it made me cry,i need to admit here!Anyway the story is short but tells so much by itself.It shows that the looks are not everything we need to be happy and loved.If you really love someone you will continue loving that person whatever and however this person changes.Because for you the person you had fallen for...will forever be the same person you fell for.Amazing short story that shortly proves what real love is.Good job.
first of all, thanks.. and you are right only beauty of face doesn't matters if one is in love.. one must be beautiful by heart..
first of all, thanks.. and you are right only beauty of face doesn't matters if one is in love.. one must be beautiful by heart..
You are welcome,of course!Keep on with the great job!
This was a beautiful story. I feel like it helps show people what love really is.
The short itself was written beautifully. I also think this piece can speak to women. Telling them that they don't have to be beautiful or perfect to be loved by the right guy.
You didi a very good job at including details. I would work on it though. You don't really describe the setting or her injury really. I feel like if you added more detail that it would capture the reader's mind and give the reader more interest.
An example: "She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged. Her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror, "yesterday. I was beautiful, Today I'm a monster". Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds. Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance' from their promise. She knew he wouldn't want her anymore. She would forget about him and never see him again... "
I would have written something like this "She found out that she suffered a major brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her lovely brain muscles was damaged. Her cheeks hung low and her eyes showed a melancholy feeling. She then noticed that her lovely face was disfigured.
When she saw herself in the mirror, she cried. "Yesterday, I was truly beautiful. Today, I am a horrid monster." She studied her body. She has many wounds. There were scratches on her arms and legs. Her face has many deep cuts and scars. She didn't feel beautiful any longer. She felt like her beauty has left her. Right there and then, sitting there looking in the mirror, she decided that her fiance' wouldn't love her and that she should break off the engagement. She knew with her horrid face and lack of beauty, that he wouldn't love her anymore. She thought that she would forget about him, let him be a faint and distant memory. She will try to stay away. She doesn't want him to see her again."
You wrote the piece well, and I really enjoyed it. Your words were kind of boring, I would add more exciting words. That's what I did with the paragraph above, I added more detail. You don't have to take my advice but, I highly suggest it. It's not that you are a bad writer, we al make simple mistakes like this so, don't be discouraged. I hope that you won't let this stop you, you are a good writer. I hope that you go through and add the detail to the piece that I talked about, after a few rounds of editing it will be truly amazing.
Sorry for being so repetitive in my review
- Anne Throckmorton
thank u so much.. i'll try my best, the next time...
that's ok, ur best is good enough and ur story has a beautiful story line with beautiful details
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Hi j3vrma!!!
This is Eros here to review your beautiful piece!!
I was deeply impressed when I read this work. It is written great, and I love it very much. The main theme was interesting, and the idea was unique and the story was very beautiful. The soldier loved a pretty woman who meets with an accident a few days after he left, and looses her beauty. The soldier still loved her because she was the one whom he loved. I liked the way you have described everything, and the the dialogues were all spread like spices. The final message is very true, and I liked it.
This was a GREAT piece!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep rading such artistic works!!
Have a great day/night!!
Thank u so much.. good morning to you (from India)