There’s this girl at Sammy May’s party. She’s friends of a few friends of mine, and I’ve heard she’s quite friendly. I’ve made a few attempts to get to know her, but she occasionally comes off as rather cold. She’s sitting with a group of girls on the other side of the room who are in hysterics over some story that was just told. Her warm smile as she laughs almost seems to transform her face into a different person.
“Don’t bother,” my friend says when he catches me staring, “Anna’s in my calc class. There are days when I think she’s about to curl up and die. It’s downright depressing, actually.”
The laughter dies down, and the girls resume their gossip. I watch as Anna appears to withdraw and completely tune out. It’s almost as if she has managed to retreat from her physical body. Her warm smile is replaced with what seems to be a hint of a scowl.
Anna’s friend nudges her, bringing her back to reality. Anna smiles at her reassuringly, then gets up and leaves the room. I’m tempted to follow her when Sammy does a backflip from the kitchen into the living room. The entire room bursts into cheers. Now the party’s getting started…
Anna retreats into the bathroom and locks the door behind her. She is completely aware that she was appearing “downright depressing” out at the party. Lifting up her shirt, she grimaces at what no one else at the party can see: the knife firmly lodged into her abdomen. Her fingers grasp the handle and she pulls with all of her strength. It won’t budge.
116 million Americans suffer from chronic pain
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Alright. So I assume that this is about a girl who suffers from Chronic pain. She is having trouble fitting in because she is in pain all the time. I liked how the story was sold from another persons point of view, but the story itself was a bit confusing. It was murky on what the point was. But good job, very elegant and well written, just lacked a bit of evidence thats all.
....I..I see. Well this might dampen my otherwise energetic reviewing style but i will try to be as happy as i can. Sob. First off compliments.
I really like how this story is not very long. You would be surprised at how much difference that makes. For me it really makes the story great. I also like how you put the statistic at the end. That is also a really nice touch. Sigh, so far i have a count of 0 humorous comments. I feel like crying. On to criticism.
First off i do not like where you put that comment. I think it messes up the flow of the story. Maybe you could have a lead up to the comment to make it feel right? Anyway next one.
I got a little confused at the end. I know what you mean with the knife but i think it also destroys the flow and even of you know what it means other readers will either take a different meaning of it or just find it out of rhythm. Anyway i suggest trying to lead up to both of these.
Don't get me wrong, the story is very very good. It just needs improvement.
well thats all. Now excuse me while i wipe my eyes and blow my nose. Sob.
I agree with @Dreamer84 that there should be more of a background and a little bit more information on it. Its a nice start to it but there should definitely be more to it. I like it
but its a tad confused but i still like it overall and how does that italic sentence fit into it? lol Joust wondering. Its a good start 
I really like it but I think there should be more information and a little more background. I personally think this should be made into a book not a short story if it has some detail and background added. But overall I think it's a good start
I like this. :3 I am a little bit confused, though. In the beginning it's being told in first person, but in the last paragraph, it goes into third person. I think if you wanted to change perspectives, you could, but you may want to stick with third person all the way through.
If you used third person throughout, then you could show what the people thought of Anna while she was in the room with all the people and then follow her into the bathroom without an awkward transition.
The only other thing is the comment at the bottom--116 million Americans suffer from chronic pain. How does that fit in?
Overall, though, I think it's really good.