The brook
There once lay a brook, calm and serene
The beauty was impeccable, the water was clean
One boy and one girl would come everyday
They’d splash in the brook, then afterwards lay
The brook was so happy, so filled with joy
She lived for the moments with the girl and the boy
Every minute of laughter, of dancing and singing
Couldn’t compare to the glee this brook was feeling
The little girl and the boy soon grew into teens
Chatting beside the brook became their daily routine
They’d listen to music and talk about their days
And giggle as the sun shined down in rays
Fast forward 15 years, now these teens were young adults
All those days at the brook, now marriage was result
They’d come to the brook after their late night dates
Both fantasizing over what their future awaits
A year goes by and the brook soon gets nervous
The boy is now part of the military service
Every time the girl visits she looks so stressed
Looking down at her belly, with this baby she’s been blessed
Two years go by and the boy sometimes comes
He holds a sweet baby with big eyes like her mum
The baby coos as she splashes loudly in the brook
As the boy wonders why it had to be his wife’s life that was took
There will be days that the boy comes alone
Just wishing his wife could witness their baby full grown
So many missed school plays and recitals
As he recalls that his wife is their daughter biggest idol
4 years go by and their daughter is eight
“Your mom’s death was your fault” is what she’s told by classmates
The boy is trying his best, but money is at low
So he reaches for alcohol to help him let go
This brook cannot help them, not then and not now
But she knows they will make it someway and somehow
She will always remember the joy they had made
For through their ups and their downs memories will never fade
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I liked the light rhyming you used, although as the poem went on it seemed like the lines grew in length which inhibited the flow a bit. I'd try to cut down some of those longer lines a the end.
As far as the plot of the story, some of the turns felt like they came a bit quickly - within four or five lines they've became adults, marry, go to service, then the wife dies. That's a quick turn around! I wonder if you could lengthen that part and maybe give a whole 3 or 4 line stanza to each life section so it felt less abrupt.
I have a few comments:
"The brook was so happy, so filled with joy"
I like the idea of a brook being personified, but it sounds a bit awkward for a brook to be described as "Happy" if that makes sense, and actually a bit redundant to say it is both happy and "filled with joy" I'd maybe substituted "happy" for a more descriptive adjective.
I really enjoyed the first several lines, as it sounded like almost a fairy tale with the language you were using, then we get to this line:
"Fast forward 15 years, now these teens were young adults" and it sort of takes a different tone. I'd suggest writing out the word "fifteen" (in poetry normally numbers are spelled out) and then replace "teens" with a more formal word or even just "children" or "youths" - because "teens" is an abreviation for teenager and is just so modern and casual sounding compared to the rest of your word choice. The same should be said when you have the line about "4 years go by" - I'd spell out "four".
"Both fantasizing over what their future awaits"
^"awaits" doesn't quite work grammatically here. Maybe you could change to "both waiting to see what in their future awaits".
"“Your mom’s death was your fault” is what she’s told by classmates"
The line with the dialogue is also a bit awkward and sticks out, I wonder if there's a more subtle way to bring in that thought.
But I do really like the ending you gave here with the knowledge that memories continue on.
Best of luck in future writing!
Hello izzie!
I loved the title first of all. Tennyson's poem was one of my favorite while I was growing up.
Review
I love the fact that you have this solid rhyme scheme throughout a, b, a, b. They come as sweet, gentle and serene with the flow of the poem. Also the syllables count in the poem is priority maintained in all the lines, perhaps.( I haven't counted them).
The plot that is intertwined with the poem is too lovely for a story. I love how the essence of eternity of brook is fresh in the poem. Even in the face of different generations her constant depiction as jovial being expresses hey liveliness that is eternal.
"For generation may go and generation may come I go on forever. "
The last line is absolute beauty.
"For through their ups and their downs memories will never fade"
Keep experimenting and keep writing!
Thankyou very much for the feedback! I%u2019m glad you liked the poem and I will definetly keep writing and revising new poetry!
Hi there, izzie1234 !!!
This is Eros here with a review for this beautiful piece of poetry of yours !!
I was at once, attracted by the e title and I felt compelled to read it and know more about it. Actually we had a poem in literature ... With the same title.. but this one is a stotally different poem. I like the story how the brook feels. The story involves three characters, the boy, the girl and tbr brook. The main story is of the boy and the girl and how their life revolves around the brook.
First the boy and the girl meet near the brook. Then they grow up and finally end up marrying. The girl gets pregnant and after she delivers the baby girl, she falls down into the brook and dies.
I like how you have explained indirectly about her death in the lines,
But when the girl, I mean the boy's wife, falls into the brook, doesn't the brook feel guilty? She took her life ..she took away all the happiness... She took away a wife and a mother of the ones whom she has seen daily... Doesn't she feel guilty? She is sad. But what about guilt? Well, it's understood that she must be guilty but it would have sounded more good if you yourself had told it.
Otherwise the whole poem is awesome. I love it and that's why a like coming your way.
But again another suggestion , cutting the sentences shorter and assembling the Lines in stanzas would have enhanced the presentation of the poem.
Rest. I don't have any suggestion for improvement.
I loved the awesome and unique piece of poetry...
Keep writing such beautiful and awesome poetries and other stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them !!
Have a great day / night !!
With love,
From Eros.
Hello Eros!
Thankyou so much for the feedback and the advice! I will definetly put the poem in stanzas to make it look more organized, so thankyou for the reminder! I was trying to portray the idea that the girl (the wife and mother) died during her daughters childbirth. That is why I include the line, %u201C4 years go by and their daughter is eight. Your mom%u2019s death was your fault, is what she%u2019s told by classmates%u201D I can definetly see how you confused the mothers death though, so I will work to clarify and revise that! Again, thankyou for the feedback! Good evening!
Oh ...so it was that she died during childbirth .
. Yeah, I just got confused coz of the line,
"The baby coos as she splashes loudly in the brook"...
But now I got the idea