The Bullying Poem

Thank you for all these comments. I'll really take them on board. But i have a question regarding the peom structure. I'd written it in poem form, but once i submitted it, it came out all wrong. What should i do?

Hey there and welcome to YWS! Kat here to review for ya!

I actually read this from the review V down there because I easily get intimidated by big blocks of writing and it's a lot easier to get the feel and sense of a poem when it is written in the poetic format. It makes it flow a lot better. Kay metioned some good tips , especially deleting those little words like and. I did for my poetry (she reviewed it) and it sounded a MILLION times better, the flow was less disrupted! I love love LOOOOOVVVEEEEE how you put those big bold words at the end of each....stanza...? (sorry again the formatting there). I could feel the emphasis like there was a little guy chewing ME out for being the bully, like he was yelling directly at ME. And it gave your poem a more profound connection to the readers I feel.

I really like this a lot and to be honest it is the best thing I have read all day and in quite awhile and you definatley have potential here!

~Kat

Very good!

The meaning of the poem was very deep and well written.

I just wonder why you didn't use stanzas.

I mean it was ok written in the paragraph, but stanzas are more poety

And even at your young age your poetry skills are waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than mine:)

Please keep writing, because I'd love to see more from you in the future!

~NoOnE

I, too, agree that it looks like a paragraph. I've been bullied for a good portion of my life and I love that you are pointing out one of the many flaws that younger people have. I suggest rewriting this so that it looks more professional, because right now, it reminds me of essays I had to do in school.

Hmmm, I really like this poem. The meaning was very clear and easy to understand, however, the set up for this poem needs some work. (Don't worry i have problems in this area too.) The cool thing is, because of the way you wrote this, you have a lot of options on how you want this to look...if that makes sense. XD I also have a problem with the tittle. It's just, I don't know, kind of unappealing. I personally think you should change it to "who's laughing now?" The poem itself is good, but that's the only thing that I noticed. Good job and keep writing my friend.

Alright just a few things:

Structure/Form:
I don't know if there was a posting error, however, since this is a poem, it needs some form of structure. Also, I'll add in my corrections in red for a line by line review for you. Here is one that I'd recommend:

‘Who’s laughing now?’ Remove quotation marks
The girl is a writer,
This song will never get brighter,
Her pen is the knife,
And the paper is the receiver of her life…
DEATH.

Who’s laughing now?
They told her:
Seeing is deceiving
and dreaming is believing,
Tears don’t mean you’re losing,
and everybody’s bruising…
HURT.

Who’s laughing now?
And tell her that the devil
walked by and saw her,
Carrying her tears,
Despair and full of sorrow,
Perhaps it’s been years…
If you're going to use ellipses, use them the same way consistantly. For example, take away the ellipses after years and put them on at the end of never.
But you never-
STOPPED.

Who’s laughing now?
And now she’s knocking on God’s door,Remove "And now" These are little words that disrupt the flow of your poetry and give nothing significant to the poem.
Trying to take her life,
And who are you to stop her?
You were never nice…
GONE.

Who’s laughing now?
And you stare at your reflection in the mirror, Remove "and you."
Asking why you gave her such horror,
And now it’s…
OVER.

Who’s laughing now?
They say God is the giver of life, I'd recommend removing "they say"
And he made all things beautiful, Remove "And"-Also on a side note, if you capitilize God, do the same for He.
You know it’s not fair to tease her, Remove "you know"
Because of the style of her hair, Insert ...
JUDGE.

Who’s laughing now?
She never did anything as a sinner,
She prayed the away, Prayed what away?
hoping she’d see a better day.
But you made her life a living hell,
and hoped would go well.
Hoped what would go well?
CRY.

Who’s laughing now?
She cried herself to sleep, sighing,
Remove sighing, if you still want the rhyme try: She feel asleep crying.
But inside the lights were out,
She was dying.
You took away her pride,
Disguising with a fake smile once in a while, Remove "once in a while"
But she didn’t want to live her life a lie. Remove "but"
She said, “Better not to live at all.
Because people miss what hardly exists. Remove "because"
Without me, life would be a ball.” The rhyme is a little forced here. The slang doesn't fit in with everything else.
You thought the storm would blow over,
This wouldn’t be the end.
But she’s gone without a companion,
And you killed her,
by taking away what she wanted;
A… FRIEND
I'd end this by taking away the ; above and replacing it with ... and have the last line simply read FRIENDS.
Who’s laughing now Add the ?

Miscellaneous:
Because this is a pretty well-written subject when it comes to poems, you have to be careful to avoid saying the same things that others have said. I tihnk that you could make this a little more original by interjecting some imagery. This can be done easily by using metaphors and similes. Also the flow is off in a few places. Fixing some of the suggestions will help it a little, however to go further with it, I'd keep a consistant rhyme scheme. Yours is off in a few places. Also the last stanza is really big if you want to do something to break that up. Keep working with this, and keep writing.

~Kay

First of all you are writing a poem it should be written in the correct format.
This looks more like a paragraph writing about a topic.
I really like it but i did not actually get what this this, whether it is a poem or a paragraph writing and rest all is okay, Keep up the good work and keep writing. Whos laughing now is a song title by Jessi J Right? So maybe you could come up with your own ideas and try to create own titles. Yeah , Thats All.