Hi, I'm new here! So I thought what better way to start than to post some of my work?
I wrote this poem on my 18th birthday, you can probably tell that I was suffering from depression. I'm winning the battle now though.
A Gift From Me To I
I left a gift for myself.
I sent it back in time,
As a sort of warning,
Of what to come.
There I was,
Cross-legged, open-hearted,
My brain filled with candy hearts and optimism,
The gift folded neatly, tightly
Sitting in the middle of my blank room.
My chubby legs gave into the weight of my marshmallow flesh,
As I fell to the floor,
Excitedly tearing away at the skin of the present to unwrap the white bone box.
A gift from me to I.
Therein lied a peanut shell,
In the dead centre of my white box.
I picked it up and shook it,
Moving it from side to side,
And yet the peanut shell remained stagnant,
Immobile, inanimate.
My hands,
They seized up the peanut shell and popped it in my mouth,
My jaw,
From side to side,
Chizzled away,
Until the peanut shell crumbled and cracked to reveal a nothing.
A babe of no skin,
No brain,
No blood,
No tangibility.
My little miscarriage of hope.
Sent from I.
At 18.
I,
With the balloon in my face,
Taunting me,
Screaming shouting shrieking,
“HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY”
Screaming shouting shrieking
Taunting
My unhappiness
Taunting me,
The circularity of I,
Being eaten up by the square jaw of the world.
I,
With the empty smile,
I,
With the cracked-open arms.
I,
With no blood,
No tears,
No humanity,
Just a peeled away skin,
Just a cracked bone,
Shattered into a million.
The white shiny smoothness,
Spoiled,
Opened to the marrow,
To reveal the little holes,
The little emptiness’
In my bones
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hey there!
Ok, so the subject of the poem wasn't my favourite. But that's because I'm one of those crazily optimistic people with a brain full of candy hearts.
But, you have a nice writing style. It's quite powerful. In a way the way you write seems extremely simple, but this works and makes your poem great.
I'd just like to point out that you don't necessarily need to capitalize the first words in each sentence. Think of it like prose, you don't actually need to capitalize unless it follows punctuation which makes it necessary.
~Amy
Hoopster here to review
I review a little differently. Instead of reviewing your poem as a whole, I like to focus in on an area. My area of concern is your flow of intensity.
The poem started off quite soft, and it seemed that it got stronger throughout towards the middle, which is good. However, after the middle, the intensity seemed to scatter all over the place. There were pints of that softness, then it would abruptly turn to very intense. You should work on trying to have it build up to a specific climax, then slowly bring it down all together
Hey, I'm Tennis!! Welcome to YWS! Oh boy, I remember the first day I signed up... good times, good times. I hope you enjoy our community, enhance your writing experience, find inspiration, support, and friendship. Cause that's what it's all about, woot woot!
Now, onto the review I promised when I entered this forum...
Candy hearts image is the only one in this ENTIRE poem that didn't work for me. The rest were stunning, fabulous, perfect-o! But this one was just meh for me.
the poem became a bit of a song for me at this point... Now I can see that one of two ways. 1) it's terrible given the seriousness of the poem or 2) it was a clever device used by the author to give you the sense of taunting... making you feel like a little kid. I can tell by this poem and the description that you gave me that you're a smart guy. Therefore, I deduce the conclusion to be option number too. Thus, I congratulate you. Well played.
Overall: Great piece of work, comes from the heart. I was impressed and I hope to see much more of you on YWS! I really enjoy your style. It reminds me of what I used to write a couple of years ago. I know what you're thinking, WTH, she's 14 why should I listen to her? But seriously, in my mind I am 25.
Thanks for this refreshing piece.
Keep on writing!
8.5 / 10
~ Tennis !
Welcome first of all to YWS, and the best way to start is to review 3 work of others before you post.
Your introduction before the poem wasn't necessary and a good poet does not have to tell what his poem is about before writting it.
To the poem, your flow was ok i loved it. But i couldn't read it all it was too lenghty.
Keep up the good work.