Hello!This is such a beautifully descriptive poem. I really like the picture of the rising and setting sun, and your vocabulary in expressing such an image really supports that metaphor. It's such an interesting concept, comparing the daytime to anxiety and nighttime to comfort. It's a unique twist that's incredibly relatable because it's so true! The anxieties of day-to-day life are just as nerve-wracking as general anxiety at night. So it's a new take on these emotions, and I like what you do with that. Basically social anxiety as opposed to chronic worry!The idea of death and if people would remember them was such a fleeting thought here, and I'd have liked to see that tied into the poem a little more. Most of the poem was about the speaker enduring the anxieties of the day, wanting to hide away where no one can see or talk to them. So the thought of the 'inevitable' felt out of place. Instead, focusing on the interactions with people and how suffocating that can be would probably fit a little better here. But that's really just food for thought, if anything. The idea of death is such a hot topic, it might simply work better to choose one or the other or tie them together better.But this is a very descriptive piece an expresses the very emotion it's hoping to convey. The message is very relatable. I can tell you've been working on this piece. Hard work pays off!Keep writing!Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi! If you remember I reviewed the original version of this poem! Well here I am again!If you remember, I interpreted the poem as narrated by emotions seeking out silence (which is not necessarilay silence with respect to sound). I think it is now quite obvious that the speaker is you - a concoction of all these emotions. But if you think about it, emotions are all we are, and everything we do and feel is one emotion reacting to another(I like to call the mind a 'stage of emotions'), and this poem represents that perfectly. Another thing I notice is that you mentioned these 'spirals' that one has no hold of.I like to see the poem as a spiral itself. It starts with sunrise, that trancends into anxiety which you finally (or so you believe) gain control over (or get rid of) but then you're back to sunrise. The first line starts where the last one ends, and so the spiral keeps endlessly tightening. I think this aspect makes this version differ from the previous version of the poem. There, you had recievd peace, absolution for one final time, but this one adds to that and says.. "Noo, peace is nowhere near, enjoy it while you can". This I believe, adds credability to the illusion and spiral part of the poem, which makes it ever so beutiful! Let's look at the structure of the poem:As before, you have used enjambment, which I believe symbolises momentary peace (represented by the abrupt, non punctuated pauses, but then the line begins again, and the spiral continues). Anyway, I like your use of enjambment, but I think it can be revised in some places. For example:In "The symphony of everyday life begins", in my opinion, it would be better if you say" The symphony Of life begins"Secondly, (Im not sure about this one), "Sits upon a new day/bringing color and life/to a grey listless dawn" - You could break after "color" and seperate that line into two. You could also seperate the words 'grey', 'listless' and 'dawn' into 3 lines. (I have a small doubt about that one so let me know what you think about that). Thirdly, you could break "anxieties and worries" at anxieties and make it "anxieties/and worries" Next, you should bring the 'the' from line 11 to line 12.In the second stanza line 3, you should isolate 'thinking' as a single lineOne more thing I just thought of, is maybe you could add the first 2 lines or so, at the end of the poem yo emphasise on the spiral characteristic of the poem. I don't have any other edit suggestions. I believe the way you've changed the poem is wonderful and makes it much, much better. I loved reading, thinking about and reviewing it. Thanks for uploading this beautiful poem. I loved it! Have a great day/night. Singning of on the behalf of team red!!!
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