when I see you, I feel a thousand things. my stomach explodes. my intestines have suddenly turned into a wild fire, every emotion craving to be felt more deeply. I walk up the stairs of this hell hole, my backpack weighing me down. but then I see you and I'm floating on air. you glance my way but quickly turn your face. embarrassment fills my entire body. one look back and I'm drowning. like waves crashing the shore, longing for you crashes into me. when I see you talk to your friends and throw your gaze my way, my voice falters. are you looking for me? when my eyes meet yours, if even momentarily, my heart softens. you look away and hatred bubbles, oozes, seeps, and drips from my pores. how could I be so stupid? how did I let you do this to me? when you walk past me I see your hands. the hands that less than a week ago held me. I look down at the floor and block everything out. everything except the sound of shame running cold in my veins. I remember all that you've been through, and think to myself how cruel I am. you have so much to deal with, I am not important enough to be on that list. the wildfire burning in my stomach extinguishes itself as I walk away, waiting for my eyes to catch sight of you again, to spring back to life.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey there! I'm Spark, here to review
Okay first thing I notice is your inconsistent caps. Artistic license says you can choose not to use caps or not, I don't really care. BUT if you're not going to use caps, don't use caps the entire time. You capitalized every 'i', which makes your work look unprofessional. Choooseee one or another, darling.
For a very short piece, you have a lot of emotions going on here. It's kind of overwhelming. You have us going from love to hate and back again sentence to sentence, bouncing us around. So we don't know WHAT to think or WHAT to believe about either side of the story. If it was a longer piece, these very relevant emotions (I mean who hasn't felt like you're at war with themselves from time to time?) would have time to breathe and really make us feel for the mc. But because it's only a paragraph, we're all confused and actually become exasperated with the narrator for not taking the time to tell us, if not all, a bit of the story. We don't know why they're not holding each other anymore, we don't understand why they're not speaking. So it's hard for us to connect with either character or feel anything one way or another. Remember if you ever re-write this, think about connecting with the reader emotionally. It's important, it's vital if you want your writing to improve. The best part about writing is playing with the reader's emotions. You want to write something that makes the reader feel something. And not something bad; like annoyance or confusion. No, you want them to feel the hurt or happiness of the MC. You've got a freaking great start here. I love the way it's going, and I like how it feels like you're right inside the narrator's brain. It feels like you're reading her thoughts. That's amazing and awesome. Keep up the great work!
Spark
Thank you so much for the feedback! This paragraph is a single paragraph from a story Ive been wanting to write so I deffinantly will be adding more depth to the characters and more details to whats going on in the story. I just wanted to see if would be something people would be interested in. Thanks again!
Hi, welcome to YWS!
Right off the bat I notice that you didn't capitalize hardly any words...
You also need to describe the setting because when you mentioned backpack I got caught off guard.
"My stomach explodes. My intestines have suddenly turned into a wild fire, every emotion craving to be felt more deeply."
My suggestion would be:
"My stomach explodes and my intestines have suddenly turned into a wild fire; every emotion craving to be felt more deeply."
"How could I be so stupid? How did I let you do this to me?"
I think you can put this in italics but I might be wrong.
"I remember all that you've been through, and think to myself how cruel I am."
The comma isn't needed.
"You have so much to deal with, I am not important enough to be on that list."
I think you can take out the comma and replace it with the conjunction "and"
Overall, I like your writing; it's very descriptive. You have minor errors but that's all they are, minor errors that can be easily fixed. Keep writing!
Thank you for the feedback! Punctuation is something I need to work on. I purposely only capitalized the "i"s for a reason Im not entirely sure of haaha. But thanks again!