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12+ Violence

Outbled

by isuki113r1


Disagreements unsettling the crowd
Arguments chilling straight to the bone
Leading to a fate that can only be bound
To commit to war in another zone

Retaliations planned to stop them cold
Troops preparing for the battlefield
Ships, planes, and mobile forces move bold
Leaving the fate of the world sealed

Guns chattering, Earth shattering
Tears covering the bed, weaknesses outbled
Leaving us with no hope, forcing us to cope

Metal flies with beauty and grace
Leaving only bodies in their wake
Humanity finally losing its face
For such a pitiful sake

The war continues on the surface of already unfurtile ground
Destruction is the inevitability of this fate
Its like the world is just a clock long since wound
The time is running out and it may already be too late

Guns chattering, Earth shattering
Tears covering the bed, weaknesses outbled
Leaving us with no hope, forcing us to cope

Death and destruction is in the wake
No prejudice for its victims
The blood covering the land and lakes
At the end no one is left to listen

Peace at last but at what cost
Death, destruction, complete decimation
The whole race was completely lost
Infecting every nation

Guns chattering, Earth shattering
Tears covering the bed, weaknesses outbled
Leaving us with no hope, forcing us to cope


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8 Reviews


Points: 580
Reviews: 8

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Fri Oct 10, 2014 6:55 pm
winterstar wrote a review...



I've got one thing to say and one thing to say only. And I hope you take what I say to heart. PUT THIS TO MUSIC!!!! If you're not a musician or composer, find someone who is and get that song on the radio! I'm not kidding! This seriously has the potential to go somewhere. Since I'm a theatre kid, I can see this being put in a musical or rock opera of some kind. If you have any other poetry like this, the kind that deals with this subject matter, you should consider doing the same thing.




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433 Reviews


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Tue Oct 07, 2014 3:12 pm
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



O.k. this piece is great, (lyrics being my thing :-) ) so the review will mainly be small critique or ideas for you to play around with.
Firstly, a couple of points on the first stanza. "Chilling straight to the bone" sounds a little cliche to me, and although normally I wouldn't mention it, it is the first verse and there are plenty of rhymes with zone. Tone, tome, trombone... :-) Also the third line to me sounds a little too long, (although that could be just me, sorry if it was intentional.)
So here's an idea you might want to toy with... it can be effective to edit the last chorus and change it slightly from the others. Also you can repeat the last chorus, so you could do something like change "forcing us to cope" to "there's no way left to cope" (obviously changing the tense of the chorus to match :-) )
Finally I'd just like to say that I like the pattern change between the verses and choruses. If people have difficulty noticing the verse-chorus change you might want to edit the formatting to make it more obviously obvious. Just, 'cause, you know, peoples are more used to reading poetry on this site :-)
Overall I'll give this eight point nine out of ten :-)
Yours in reviewing,
Take That You Fiend!




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120 Reviews


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Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:03 am
Brunnera wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm Brunnera, and I shall now review on your political lyrics.

I shall start with nit-picks:

Stanza 3, Line 3: " Ships planes and mobile forces move bold "

Was it intentional that you have left out the commas? This line is grammatically incorrect without them.

Chorus: " Tears covering the bed, Weaknesses outbled "

Again...was it on purpose that you have capitalized "Weaknesses"? I'm not used to analysing lyrics, sorry if I'm quite daft xD

Er, I guess that's all of the technical errors I can find. Let's move on to my personal thoughts, shall we?

I must say that this was quite a powerful piece of work to read. How do you do that? *O* The words you have chosen and sentences you have constructed, were put together and formed a bitter example of the modern war. This was breath-taking, really. It also chilled me a bit to the bone, it had that horrible-horrifying-truth aura to it.

Your imagery is brilliant! It is your description that grabs one and drags one down to the brutality and bloodshed of war, basically forcing the reader into a world of misery and rivalry. This technique is vital for a writer, and I believe you are a master of it.

My favourite part was in the fourth stanza, lines one and two:

" Metal flies with beauty and grace
Leaving only bodies in their wake "

I love how you have described the destructive choppers as "flies". Interesting and eye-catching, especially since the second line rather contradicts "beauty and grace"! Beautiful language, I tell you.

" Peace at last but at what cost "

Reading this wrenched my heart. True...at what cost? The bitter truths...

Ah well, this was a fantastic read! I'm atrociously late, but welcome to YWS. Go and review something! xD It's one of the best ways to get noticed.

Looking forward to more works, if all of them are as beautiful as this. I dare say it's quite a masterpiece.

~Brunnera




isuki113r1 says...


Thank you for finding the errors in my lyrics. Although it was rather difficult, I was able to edit the piece and fix them.

I do appreciate your feedback on this, and I do have more works in the making. However, I am not sure they will be as good. I will let you judge once I get them finished and uploaded.





It is generally accepted in lyrics that you can just have plain text :-)



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433 Reviews


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Sun Oct 05, 2014 8:42 pm



If you remind me I'll review this when I can.
Yours,
An aspiring lyricist.




isuki113r1 says...


Thank you in advance for taking the time to create a review for me. I hope you like it.



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Sun Oct 05, 2014 8:08 pm
DeepCrystal wrote a review...



That was a scary poem. Not that it was necessarily a horror flick, but still the intensity of it was extreme. This poem basically covers what is happening in the world as we know it. Also, I felt that there was an anti-war feel to this piece of poetry. As if you are not on agreeing terms with the warring state that some parts of this world are in. I have to say that I couldn't find much to offer critique on, except for the third stanza. This can be a stylistic choice, but I do feel that rhymes shouldn't be in the same line. Just my opinion, but other that that, this was a great poem. I'd like to read more from you.




isuki113r1 says...


I definitely appreciate your feedback on this. I don't normally like to share my lyrics/poetry, just because they have a darker feel to them. However, once my girlfriend joined this website, I saw it as a good outlet to share and get inspired to start writing again.

The piece is definitely meant to associate itself with the anti-war agenda, just because the simple fact that war is mutating. We are progressing as a human race and with that the damage we can cause increases as well. When simple arguments can turn into war, we need to take a step back and look at the disastrous possibilities.

My inspiration for this piece comes from the song Hope Dies by Zeale. I loved this song when I first heard it on Youtube. I listened to the song for a few hours straight and during that time I made this lyric.



DeepCrystal says...


Though the war video games are fun.




Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)