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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

​Prologue

by isreaale000


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Saylene was once a happy star where the creation of supernatural beings lived. People danced and sang, day and night. Darkness could not enter this happy body, but when the Queen's brother got jealous. The Queen had everything he did not. She had loving subjects, kindness within her heart, and she always went out of her way to help the people around her. His heart filled with hatred and shadow. The darkness gave him the name of Necrot. With the power of everlasting darkness, Necrot learned to channel his feeling into dark magic. With this magic darker than the dead of night, Necrot created the River of Black Flames, giving him the power to control the dead. Day and night, night and day, Necrot created soldiers to create an army of dead. Months later, at the stroke of midnight, Necrot charged the castle with his army, in hopes of overtaking the Queen and her kingdom. The Queen, surprised of the attack, and obviously not ready for battle, surrendered herself to Necrot. The kingdom was devastated. When Necrot was in charge the land turned into an eternal frozen wasteland. Multiple years into Necrot`s reign the Queen became ill:pale skin, yellowing nails and a raspy voice. None of the healers were able to help, so within many months, the Queen became so fragile that she could not leave her bed. Necrot had kept her in her room with only servants to keep her company. Within the walls of her bedroom, in her last days, the queen created a child in her spitting image: Dark chestnut hair, soft brown eyes, with rosy pink lips , hoping that one day the baby would take back the kingdom. With the Queens dying breath she named the baby Hazel. The moment the Queen died the baby was taken by a faithful servant and taken to a school just outside the kingdom’s reach. The school's name was Julius School for Girls and Boys. The years went by and Hazel grew and learned knowing nothing of her heritage. 

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119 Reviews

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Sun Oct 28, 2018 7:04 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hey, there! Arden here to review your work.
(I find analyzing pieces from top to bottom more efficient, so let's do that!)

Saylene was once a happy star where the creation of supernatural beings lived.

This is a satisfying beginning that made me smile. A few questions that I have, though, surrounding it:
1. Is Saylene literally a star? Or is that a comparison? This question popped up in my head as soon as I read the sentence, and that fact that we never get any clarification is upsetting. It would have certainly helped the process of imagining the setting.
2. In regards to "where the creation of supernatural beings lived", it throws me off a bit. When you say that, it makes me imagine some sort of magestic beast that creates dragons and unicorns and etc, etc. But it seems to me that's not what you're trying to get across. It appears (this is also further ellaborated in further paragraphs) you're attempting to put out that all supernatural creatures live on this star, which is a bit confusing as well, seeing what happens as the story progresses. I suggest editing this snippet of the story and you'll be in good shape!

Darkness could not enter this happy body, but when the Queen's brother got jealous.

It's quite possible that you made a simple, accidental error here, but I cannot make sense of this sentence. Perhaps you meant "then" instead of "when"? If so, that's fine, easy fix. If not, we have a bit of a problem. Did you mean to continue the sentence? You should have probably added some of the next sentence onto that to make it a closing statement, because for now that jumble of words is simply lingering.

Day and night, night and day, Necrot created soldiers to create an army of dead.

You only really need to say day and night here. Or vice versa. It was unnecessary to add both. I think the emphasis was already given in the first "day and night." There was no need to add another.

...surrendered herself to Necrot.

There was no need to add "herself" to this sentence. "Surrendered" would have done just fine, even better, actually, because the queen is not surrendering herself, but her entire kingdom to her brother. He takes over all of Saylene, silencing the queen's reign.

When Necrot was in charge the land turned into an eternal frozen wasteland.

I enjoyed this bit. You described the new condition in a rather satisfying way.

Multiple years into Necrot`s reign the Queen became ill:pale skin, yellowing nails and a raspy voice.

With this blurb we learn that the queen has been kept alive by her brother-why, I am not sure. Ellaboration would be deeply appreciated on that.
Another thing to add onto that-is she not a magical being as well? Has she not attempted escape before now? It's one thing if she has and has been recovered, but an entirely different matter if she hasn't tried to get out and get her kingdom back. That would be unrealistic.

Overall, this was a good story! I didn't have too many problems with it. You've gotten off to a great start here!
Thanks for sharing!

Arden

This review was brought to you by arden of Team Pocus!

Happy October Review Day!!




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Wed Oct 24, 2018 3:18 pm
Fantascifi66 wrote a review...



Hi! Welcome to YWS!
This is a really interesting prologue!
A great starting point for a story!
However, I have some notes:
"Darkness could not enter this happy body, but when the Queen's brother got jealous."
First of all, "Darkness could not enter this happy body,"? Isn't Saylene a star, not a body?
Second, I think you know what I am going to say now, but shouldn't there be a punctuation mark after "body", and then write, like, "But over time the Queen's brother got jealous at the Queen because she had everything and he did not." or something like that?
Third, "She had loving subjects,".
Now, this bit is a little ominous.
Did you mean to write that? Because it seems a little weird given that you're trying to show how GOOD the queen is. If you meant to write that as a secret backstory or something, that's ok. But if you didn't, I would advise you to change it.

But overall, it's great! I would really like to read it as soon as you finish the first chapter.

Fanta





I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am.
— Sylvia Plath