Warm hands grab my shoulders pulling me towards the source. He stood before me, the guy of my dreams. Jake, with his jet black hair and popping green eyes that seemed to pull you in with its warmth. " I can't believe you never told me! We have been friends for three years isabel, do you really have a crush on me!" He stood impatiently waiting for my answer. Heart pounding like a drum, frozen like a deer in headlights I shook my head and let out the breath I had been holding in since he started yelling. He brutally grabbed my delicate scarred wrist and yanked round the corner. He rips open his iPad case and handed me the iPad. I pear over to see that one of the bullies, that torture me at school, page. Their was my friends and I's conversation about him. I feel tears threading to spill over in my eye, clouding my vision. I wipe away my eyes and say. " Look this is stupid, I got to go. Could you just tell everyone that I went home sick, which I am. I'm sick of the words." The never ending stream of words that pierce my heart. I turn around and jog towards the door. His footsteps close behind I run out of the building and sit down on the park bench. Thats when I lose it. Tears surged out of my I scream out and let out shaky uneven breaths. I feel his arms go around me. He places his hand on my cheek forcing me to look at his face. " I don't understand," I proclaim. " why are you here. I mean I love that your here but, wouldn't you rather be hanging out with someone way cooler then me." " I'm here because, I love you. Your all i thin about everyday. I want to be with you forever." Jake says smiling. " Why don't we go on a date first. Oh come here you big lover boy." I smashed my lips into his and time stood still. I had found what I had always wanted. I had found someone to love me for who I am. I had found Jake.
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
I wish it was longer, even if it was a short story! It was a little bit fast paced though. Slow it down and take time to explain whats going through Isabel's mind! Maybe explain how she came into that situation and how they had cornered her. You miss-spelled a couple things. And you forgot to capitalize somethings
Over all it was a very good piece of work!
Hello there!
I'm here for a review, so follow on
Overall, I think you had a general idea of what you wanted the reader to visualize, but this lacked a lot of detail.
This : Jake, with his jet black hair and popping green eyes that seemed to pull you in with its warmth. -- in my opinion, was the most detail that I got out of the piece. Also, I didn't understand WHY she was crying. Or where they were in the first part, before the park bench? Or what that conversation from the iPad was about. It all seems awkward and mixed up; be sure when you're writing to write the story in such a way that it shows more than it tells, but gives the reader enough information to understand what they're being shown.
Below, as you see, I have a few notes for you :
We have been friends for three years(,) (I)sabel, do you really have a crush on me(?)
--In the parentheses, throughout all of these notes, are grammar errors fixed, and some side-notes for you. In this, it's just the grammar.
I (peer) over to see that one of the bullies('), (who) torture me at school, page. (There) was my friend and (my)'s conversation about him.
--Again grammar.
"Look this is stupid, I (have) to go. Could you just tell everyone that I went home sick(?) (W)hich I am. I'm sick of the words."
--This one, (have) was (got) in your work, and while we speak that way, its wrong to write that way because it's improper. That's just future reference though.
Tears surged out of my (eyes?)(.) I scream out and (replace let out from something more imaginative; repetitive) shaky uneven breaths.
--"I scream out" then immediately following that "and let out" seems redundant, yes? Maybe change the second part of the sentence, so it makes sense.
"(W)hy are you here(?) I mean I love that you('re) here(,) but wouldn't you rather be hanging out with someone way cooler (than) me(?)"
--More grammar, and when you ask something, you put a question mark, yes? Be sure that goes there, as well, even though its at the beginning of the sentence.
" I'm here because I love you. You('re) all (I) thin(k) about everyday. I want to be with you forever."
-- I think that some of these were typos, so they can be forgiven
Why don't we go on a date first(?) Oh(,) come here(,) you big(,) lover boy."
--This sentence, specifically, seemed way out of place. One second, she's crying and asking why he's there for her, and the next she's all playful?? It doesn't really fit together.
I (replace smashed, it seems out of place for the setting) my lips into his and time stood still.
-- "Smashed" doesn't really fit here either, so maybe you could find a synonym for it and have the same meaning. And be sure you're giving off the right visual; I pictured this girl bawling her eyes out, then a guy saying one word and now shes playful and happy and forcing herself on him. o.o Seems a bit awkward.
Other than what I've mentioned above, I think this story was cute. Cliche, but cute. I could stand loads more details, though, and a description of the issue that made her start crying wouldn't hurt either.
Hope I've helped!
Feel free to PM me!
Keep writing,
Ash
Hi, Isabel! Welcome to YWS!
What does "source" refer to? If it's the source of the warm hands, I'd suggest rephrasing - it's a bit confusing at the moment.
Again, there seems to be some confusion here - you say "its warmth", but you mention "eyes" before that, so should it be "their" warmth instead?
Rips (present tense) and handed (past tense). Remember consistency!
Indeed, as niteowl has pointed out, "their" should be "there". But please don't say "my friends and I's" - I know that it's a difficult thing to indicate more than one person's possession, but you could go around it easily. For example: "There was the conversation my friends and I had had about him."
This doesn't seem very realistic. I've never heard anyone refer to someone else as "you big lover boy", except if it's a joke. It's most likely a joke here as well, but it's so sudden and a bit "woah". And "smashing" lips sounds quite brutal in my opinion, unfortunately. I'm not sure if you're going for a romantic feeling, so if you are, maybe reconsider the word choice.
Something technical that you should go through in the text is the tense, which at the moment is all over the place. Every other sentence is in present tense, and every other is in past. You need to choose one or the other, because that way you will make it much easier for the readers to focus on the story. And you want them to focus on the story rather than grammar or spelling or any of those things.
I have to agree with the others that at the moment, the plot is a little flat. But I also agree that you will surely have the potential to make it more interesting.
Keep enjoying writing!
Demeter
x
Hi Isabel! First off, welcome to YWS! This is a great place to improve your writing and have fun along the way.
Now, to the piece itself. I agree that the plot is pretty barren at the moment, but it could be made more interesting with more detail and context. For one, I know next to nothing about Jake, or why the MC loves him so much. I think some development of their friendship would be helpful, with this scene being the climax.
Okay, so this is the turning point of the piece, and it confused me so much I had to read it a couple times. If I'm reading this correctly, there is a bully at school who somehow found a conversation between Isabel and her friend about Jake and posted it publicly (on a Facebook page?). Unless the conversation was also public, which I assume it wasn't if she didn't want Jake to see it, I can't see a bully making that kind of effort. Clarify what's going on here.
.
I like what she says, but the sentence after that seems a little cliche. I'd just axe it entirely. Jogging seems like a strange verb here. It implies a more leisurely running, when it seems like she wants to get out ASAP. This bit also brought up the question of...where are they? Are they in school? If so, it seems like this whole exchange might draw some attention. Well, maybe not in my high school, but it's huge. Make it more clear where they are (bell ringing? lockers? Something else if they're not in school?).
Another direction you could go with this is take us after this scene. Are there consequences? For example, does dating Isabel affect Jake's social standing? Does some big dramatic scene happen between Jake and the bullies on the first date? This is optional but would give the story some interest.
More generally, the spelling and grammar needs cleaning up and the text needs to be broken into paragraphs.
This could be a cute story, but there's some missing pieces. Add more context to Isabel and Jake's relationship and clear up some plot points and it could be even better. Whatever you do, don't stop writing!
I feel like this plot line is very overdone. Guy of her dreams. She thinks she isn't worth it. He thinks she's great. They fall in love. It's very monotonous. However, you wish to write it that way, I have no right to judge.
You need to separate your dialogue from the action so that the reader can easily see who is speaking when. I often lost track because this story is only one paragraph.
I feel like you could make a story out of this fairly easily. It would be interesting to see what you come up with. If you write anything else, keep me posted. I'd love to read more. Happy Writing!
thanks I usually just write everything down in my journal that is pretty old and that was from like 2 years ago so its probably not my best, I will put more story's up later so thanks for your input!!!!!