z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

She

by ironmoon


So, here comes the night. Dark and mysterious. It's crawling through streets and watching at you like one-eyed doll with the flashlight instead the normal eye. But there is no flashlight only moon, iron moon that blindly reflect the light from the sun also it calls "the sun of the dead". Even if this city turns all the lights on it will not defeat the darkness of this night. So, you're standing at the middle of the street and breathe this black liquid air and you feel how it spreads inside you. Delightful feeling.

Another street... Oh, I remember this street. Here was some of the happiest moments of those previous life. Yeah, right there is two lifes: previous and present. That life that had it's place in the past was bright, colorful and just great. I've had everything that I wish to be happy. My thoughts was clear, flying in the imaginable skies. There was the flame in my eyes, the flame that was full of life. Everyone saw temptation in my eyes, some of people saw the light instead flame, the light that inspires to live. I' ve felt like a bird in the skies, free, independent and strong. All of that had happened to me because of my friends. Also I had a lovely hobby, I had a dream. A romantic dream that I began to bring to life. I had a girl that I loved and she loved me too. The sweet school memories. Despite of she was cold-blooded and didn't show her emotions wide open, I knew about all of her feelings. The ice outside – the fire inside. But then SHE had happened. She burst into my life. She made my life cracking on before and after. The monster. The beautiful monster. The most beautiful creature that I've ever seen. The monster that I'll never forget. Incredibly strong. Horribly powerful. And was bored and depressed. This appearance has stocked in my head forever. I can imagine her like I see her now. She has printed in my mind.

She had long straight hairs that had soft color - grey like an ash. But it was soft like clouds in the sky and smelled like an air after rain. Great fresh smell. I've loved how those hairs streamed on the wind like a smoky flag screaming that here she was. Sometimes that "flag" had glittered with gold in the sunny windy day. It was a true miracle. I still remember this light as I remember the color of her strange eyes. Bright shining red. Yes, that's the true color of her eyes. Hypnotizing, dangerous, devouring but so magnificent... Maybe she wanted to hide it that no one can see her mysterious magnetic eyes. She frightened me with it. She stole everything from me with this eyes. No, she stole me from this world, from all people I knew. Literally I've fell in it, drown until my oxygen ended then dissolved without any trace of my weird mind. But I'm the only one who saw those vermilion bloodstones. When she looked at me I felt that she touched something inside me. She touched my soul. And I just looked at her, hypnotized like a nonentity look at something high and magnificent. Like this night is. Sometimes the stars that I see on that dark clear sky, I see as her eyes.

Well, that was after those infinite moments when I was happy. So, that's an interesting fact, a small paradox: I've lived not such a long life, but I have so much memories, so much feelings that it seems to be enough for many lifes. Maybe I just want it to become true but it's so unusual, wrong and weird. Because she was a vampire. Cruel bloody creature. The queen of the dark. But she was an unusual vampire. Despite of she was an undead – she has a soul. I think it could be possible because she was a double-blood creature. The first half of her was a vampire and second part was the blood of another legendary creature – Dullahan. In general, she was usual at all of her sides.

At that moment I hear wind that whistle, flying between two buildings. And when that hollow sound reaches my ears I remembered her voice. Her voice that delete the day from my life. Actually, the day was her enemy. That marvelous siren... The first time I've heard her voice, I've gone to it like sailors turn their ships when heard magic voice that lead them to their death. So that have happened to me in the same way. I've just walking in the street at night like I do it now. I don't remember exactly, but it supposed to be some holiday in that day. Like I said, I'd just took a walk on my standard way and suddenly I heard a song. That song was the sad one. About loneliness. At that moment I was unconscious. I went to that charming voice I couldn't control my body, I didn't even understand what I've done. I was eager to find the woman or girl that sang that beautiful song. I felt so much pain in her voice, so much sorrow and despair that I thought it was mine. I've run across the street hoping to find her, I've already know her appearance and thought that I've already know her character, preferences and some details that she didn't tell anyone like deep secrets of her heart and soul that would explain her song, why did she sang it. I don't know how much time I've kept running but finally I found her. I've stood in front of an old metal bridge that was only bridge, lost and abandoned like her. And there she was, singing and dancing on her own. She didn't care about whole world because she was devoured by her dark and cozy one. She was in a simple black dress with white surplice collar. That dress whirled with her when she spanned. And suddenly she stopped because she saw me drilling her with my sight. So I could view her a little better. Her skin was like a porcelain with the same color. She was all dark and a little bit gloomy but her lips was red like a lightning in the night sky and it was thin and appear to be sharp as I could cut myself. She was taller than me because of heels that tick out a complicate rhythm that only she knew. She was incredible woman. I still can't believe that there was a time when I met such a beautiful creature. Also I didn't know that all she wanted from me in the first time was only my blood and life. In the blink of an eye she appeared near me, sweetly hug me and then felt pain in my neck. Pain. Warm. Gentle soft hugs. Her arms with the perfect lines. The walking enjoy for an artist. That long and strong fingers twisted me and I've understood that I should to fight. I didn't want to disappear. But as soon as wanted to fought her she looked at me with the eyes full of tears and then she cried out loud. And that voice was not so pretty. It was terrifying scream of the lonely monster that lived so much years and hadn't feel love. She was only a murderer, the real darkness itself. No purpose. No life. But she had been created so beautiful even ideal. And that was another mystery. The killing beauty. I was a sensitive person and somehow I've felt her pain. And I said that I would be with her in her sad times. I wouldn't allow the loneliness take her life. But she only smiled and said me that I fool. And now I realize it.

I've tried to spent as much time with her as I could. Every night I came to her and we talk and walk all night through. I saw her smile that could conquer the world. She said that she loves me although I was much younger than she. And I started to feel warm feelings to her. She was like a schoolgirl who first time knew what is love. She was like a fresh blossom. Anyway she remained a monster. A bloody cruel vampire. I couldn't change it. But I saw that she tired to be a darkness. Maybe she wanted to die. But she couldn't do it because she was almost an immortal creature. And that fact was sad and frustrating. I've tried my best to make her happy. But I've failed. Every dawn when I should come back to my home again, she looked right into my eyes with her shining bloodstones, that hypnotizing red eyes and said:

- Come back soon, darling, I'll be waiting for you.

Then she kissed me and I ran away blushed and confused. I've tried to save her. Made something really good in my life. Maybe I was hypnotized. Maybe I fell in love with her. I don't know, even nowadays.

Another street. I also remember it. Because she used to love it. She liked the alley on that street. It is really beautiful even now although it didn't change. All that mighty trees spread out their crooked hands and bent over above you. When the wind blows it looks like those trees whispering about something but you don't understand anything. All that street lights that shining with dim blue light. Marvelous landscape, especially at night. She liked to dance on that walkway, sometimes with me and I am not a good dancer. But I've learned a lot from her. And also liked to sing that song here. That sad touching song. That's a pity that I'll never hear it again. Because she's gone. One day she has just disappeared. I felt really bad. I didn't know what to think, what was the reason?

And now I'm walking here alone and sad. I shouldn't remember those times. I shouldn't remember about her, that gorgeous monster, about that damned song... I've walked through the street trying to forget all of this. And suddenly, I've heard the song. The very same song. And my body rushed to the source of the voice. When I came to the right place, I saw the black silhouette of tall slim woman in the fog and the pair of two burning red eyes that pierced the haze. That silhouette slowly floated in the dark to me. In the end I've saw familiar beautiful face with the immature smile and sweet voice said to me:

- Come back to me, darling. I'll waiting for you.


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9 Reviews


Points: 56
Reviews: 9

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Sun Jun 25, 2017 9:36 am
chaussettes wrote a review...



Hello there! Firstly, as a person who also doesn't have English as their first language, I really appreciate the fact you're trying to write pieces in a language that you don't speak in, or live in. Secondly, this has a big potential! I would advice you to read some books that have structured descriptions and more fluid sentences? I like the vibe your work gives out but it can sometimes be a little too curt and simple. Otherwise amazing! Keep up the good work and don't give up...the more you write and read in English, the better it gets, trust me.




ironmoon says...


thank you very much for your cheering!



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84 Reviews


Points: 350
Reviews: 84

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Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:10 pm
DragonNoir wrote a review...



Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Before I begin this review, I want to say that I don't mean to offend you in any way, shape or form. If I did so, I apologise greatly, but I'm giving you constructive criticism.

I think it's pretty obvious English isn't your first language, which I completely appreciate and understand. Though I must say, this is quite an exquisite piece of writing. It has great potential, but the one thing that's standing in the way of bring it to that potential is your limited knowledge of English grammar.

If you really want to improve in English, I have several ideas which could help. My first one (and the most obvious one), start having lessons. They introduce you to the more complex stuff, but it's worth it, if you ask me. Second, you could watch TV shows in your native language and have English subtitles with it (or vice-versa). It would help to see how the language is structured and the TV show kind of helps with understanding it. Thirdly, start reading English books. Read them and note down any words you don't understand. Or, you could go further to even noting down how sentences are formed, verb conjugation, and so on. you know the basics and your English isn't actually that bad. Of course, it could be improved on in terms of sentence structure and grammar. You also use a variety of adjectives and other more complex words, but you should try to not use too much of them; it's a bit like adding too much sugar into your tea. Actually, English is my second language! Although I'm pretty much fluent in it, I always learn new things about grammar and other aspects of the language through writing on here, the YWS!

In regards to the story itself, I think it's great. I really like the idea you have and it seems like quite a good idea for a novel, if you want to do one. The descriptions you wrote are also amazing and vivid. Although it seems you try to bring in elements of research that you don't understand - correct me if I'm wrong. As an example, the bit about the Dullahan, don't you think you'd need some clear aspect of that idea to show? Like making the vampire woman have a black horse, or carrying her head in her arms all the time, or something else. I'd say, before you add anything you find new or you know about already, try to tie it into the story by adding some reference which signifies that the concept has been used effectively and that you know what you're talking about.

About the genre, Romantic is quite clearly in there, but I don't see a lot of Mystery and/or Suspense. I'd say it's something more on the lines of Fantasy and Romance.

Overall, a great story with huge potential, but you have to improve your English if you wish to achieve that potential. I have listed three ideas in this review and you can find millions of others on the internet.
I hope my review helped! :)




ironmoon says...


thank you very for such great, constructive criticism. I've already apologized for my level of literature english and I'm doing it again. Also I like advices you've given to me - it's really great. My first goal was the concept of the story and you like it. It's really pleasure for me that you see potential in my story also I want to ask you sometimes about some features or ways to make my works better. Thank you very much!



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Points: 350
Reviews: 9

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Sun Jun 04, 2017 2:59 pm
naxoll wrote a review...



Hey. Since English isn't your native language, I won't say anything about your grammatical mistakes/lexical choices. I thought this was an amazing short story. The metaphors and similes that you used were all very good, and they helped enhance the story quite a lot. I also like how you've structured the story and how you introduced the vampire before describing her, and how you connected the past with the present.

I think the main problem with the story is that you've tagged it as being mystery/suspense, but there isn't much suspense in it. The description of the vampire is beautiful, but you haven't attempted to make it mysterious - you've just described her as being enchanting. I think you could have made it more mysterious by having the vampire say something scary to the protagonist (like: "I might kill you, you know") and describe how she says it in a way to inspire fear in the protagonist. Then you could show how the protagonist's love for the vampire causes him to ignore this warning.

Also, I think that you could have separated the text more to have more paragraphs - that way, it would be easier to read without losing track of where you are.

Overall, I think this is a very good story with beautiful description and imagery - especially considering English is not your native language, and the only real problem with it is that it doesn't have enough mystery/suspense.




ironmoon says...


thank you very much for that wide review! yeah, it's true that i have some problems with grammar in english but i will upgrade my skills as a writer. also i should say that it's really important for me and it's pleasure for me that you liked this tale in general. that gives me motivation to do more! thanks a lot!


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naxoll says...


No problem, I'm happy that I could help you.




That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon