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My story.....

by irish_lad2011


The

Cave

Written by irish_lad2011

Based on a true story

Hello, my name is Bret and Im 13 7/9 years old, but whos counting? Its August 9, 2003, the school year starts soon, but I dont really want to go back. Well, these are my best friends Genna and Jessica. Genna is 14 and Jessica is 12. We have been friends since the playpen days; those were much simpler times but anyway on with the story. It was a Saturday morning and I was woke up by my alarm. I tried hitting the snooze but I missed and hit my lamp. By the time I hit the snooze button I was already wide awake and wouldnt be able to fall asleep again even if I tried. But as I was waking up from that zombie like state I started thinking what I dont have this summer. I mean, I have nothing, I cant go to school bragging about stuff like that one year Dad and I went camping and I left the cooler open before we went fishing. When we came back a bear had eaten all our food and destroyed our tent so we had to go back home again. But Ive done nothing this summer; hopefully Ill find something interesting to do.

When I got downstairs and looked in the pantry I found John had already eaten all the sugar coated sugar loops, and by the way John is my little brother hes 8, and hes a brat. So I had to settle with Mom and Dads "Heart Smart Healthy Start" I think they eat it for their kidneys or something but it tastes like cat food and I would know especially after that one time in third grade. After Breakfast I went to see what John was watching for Saturday morning cartoons. He was watching "Yu-Gi-Mon" which is just a show to get kids to buy the cards. As I was watching with him I heard a knock on the door. I then heard "Come out with your hands up, we have the place surrounded" in a deep, deep tone and before I came to the door I said "Genna you have got to work on your cop voice." She asked "Howd you know it was me?" I said it was "mere elementary my dear Watson." She just laughed and asked if she and Jessica could come in, I said "Sure, You guys want to watch Yu-Gi?" Before I could finish the word I got chewed out for saying "you guys." Genna always had a fit when I said that word. But before I could repeat what I was saying, they asked what I wanted to do today. I said "Well I want to do something exciting to finish the summer." We all pondered what to do then Genna said, "Lets go to the c-a-v-e and look around. But John learned how to spell in 2nd grade and he said, "Bret you cant go in the caves, Mom said so." I just blew him off saying, "Well she wont know if no one tells, right John?" As I shook my fist he agreed right away. Ill be back before she gets home so you stay here, Ill be back before 3 okay? Well if we are going to the cave well need flash lights, food, water, and Ill grab my cell phone okay? Genna and Jessica agreed and thought thats about all we would need. So we all grabbed our backpacks and headed off.

So we set off on a journey that was a lot bigger then we planned. As we were road walking down County 6 we saw the sheriffs car coming up we tried to look away and not act suspicious, because no one is suppose to go in the caves. Of course, he stopped, rolled down his window and asked, "So where do you think you kids are heading? It better not be to them there caves its un-safe!" Jessica quickly replied, "No were heading to err the ..um river yeah thats right the river." The sheriff looked at us for a minute, and said, "Ok have fun." I was the first to speak after he left "Wow that was close", I said. Genna and Jessica agreed. "Well, we better keep walking if we want to get in there and out before 3 oclock", Genna said. I most certainly agreed. When we got to the cave I started second guessing if we should go in but Jessica said, What are you scared or something????" I just looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Yeah, so what if I am?" She said, "So am I!!" "Should we really be doing this?" Genna said, "Yeah, its fun lets go, come on!" Jessica and I just took Gennas lead and followed her in the cave. I noticed it was really dark and cold, also I noticed I neglected to grab a hoodie. At least I grabbed a flashlight though I thought to myself as I dug in my backpack and grabbed it. When I turned it on and looked around I was mystified by what I saw. I stared at the floor and then looked up and saw probably a million bats!!! When I pointed to the top of the cave to show the girls Genna almost screamed bloody murder!! But Jessica grabbed her mouth before she could. After Genna settled down she whispered to us "Follow me, my brother showed me this awesome cavern farther back, its really cool." But before we went I suggested we eat lunch before we venture off to the unknown, they agreed. I pulled out a tuna sandwich. I think one of the bats smelled it or saw it or something because it came swooping down! One of them pooped on Jessicas sandwich, she almost cried but Genna and I laughed. The bad part of the bat waking up was it seemed to have woken up the entire cave and the bats went crazy flying everywhere; we just ducked and took cover. I almost fell into what looked like a shallow pool of water but Jessica said later that she saw on the Discovery Channel that those pools may look 5 feet deep but probably are 20 feet deep, I took a deep gulp when I heard that. After all the commotion, I looked at my watch and I saw it was 1:30 and I said, Wow! We got to get going. Lets do this tomorrow, please? Genna just complained and said, Come on, since were here lets go look at the cavern my brother told me about.I mean showed me, yeah showed me. At that point I blew it! I wigged out, What you dont know where it is? Are you kidding? You got to be! She said, No, no, no! My older brother described how to get there vividly; I got a good idea how to get there. Well it better be worth it and we better not get lost! Genna said, Fine, fine, fine but lets get a move on and as long as we are out of here before three ok! She said, "We will try" and then chuckled. I then asked, Where is Jessica? Genna said, Shes right there and pointed behind me. I looked but there was no Jessica! Did she leave or did we lose her? We then spent the next 20 minutes looking for her. There seemed to be no sign of her. We hooted and hollered her name but got no answer, so we figured she decided to leave after the bats escapade. Then with minor hesitation we decided to move on and go to the Gilligan Cavern as I liked to call it. As we made our way to the area where Genna thought it was, I slipped and fell in a little bit of mud. As I was getting up I noticed Jessicas jacket. I pointed it out to Genna but she thought Jessica probably had left it out when we were eating. I just went with it because I didnt want to think the worst by any means. As we got deeper into the cave it became harder to navigate around the giant Stalagmites that must have been forming for millions of years. After our fair share of falls and broses we came upon our biggest obstacle in the cave. There was a break in the ground from where we were and the rest of the path was. When we looked down the pit was probably 10 feet deep and most of it was filled with mud. When I shined my flashlight down the pit I saw the one thing I wish I hadnt. I saw Jessicas backpack stuck on a jagged rock! I immediately looked back wishing I hadnt seen what I saw, but I had to look again. When I looked harder I saw her body dangling there! I thought she was dead and so did Genna. She instantly started crying, I tried comforting her but my attention was aimed at Jessica. I tried reaching down to try and bring her up, but my attempt was futile, I was too short to reach. Finally, I got Genna to calm down and I said, Hold my legs, we need to get her! Genna agreed and she held my legs and I reached for the life of me to grab her, I got a grip on her when Gennas hand slipped and I fell a few inches. After I got done praying to God thanking him for not falling, I got a better grip and slowly started to pull her up. As we got her closer to the top I began to notice that she did not seem dead, but in an unconscious state of mind, I heard her breathing but did not see her moving. Finally when we got her up and I pointed it out to Genna she sighed with a great deal of relief. I said, When my brother passed out after my dad told him to just rip his tooth out because it was just hanging. My dad brought him into the family room, and went and put a wet cloth on his forehead and sort of lightly slapped his face to wake him up. It seemed to work for him so I think we should try it, we have nothing to lose. Genna agreed and I ripped a little of my shirt off and she pored some water on it. We put it on her head and Genna lightly slapped her face. After about twenty minutes of that she finally came back to us! We were happy beyond belief and we both gave her great big hugs! She woke up crying and not knowing what was happening but that we were hugging her. Finally when we stopped hugging and she stopped crying, she asked what happened and why she was all muddy. We could only tell her what we think happened. I thought that during the bat escapade she went for the exit but went running not looking and tripped, fell and got snagged on the rugged rocks and probably hit her head on the rocks. Genna thought the same. Jessica claimed to not remember any of it. I just said, Well thank God thats over with! Everyone agreed right away. Then Genna to lighten the mood said, So are we going to find the cavern or not? We just laughed and said, NO! I then had the mind to look at my watch and noticed it was 2:45 and nearly screamed out, We have to go! Genna said, Your right we should.

After racing out of the cave and running down Country Road 6 to make it to my house before my mom got home was no easy task, we only got in the back door as she was opening the garage door to pull in the car. I made a heroic leap for the couch and tried to act as normal as possible. This was while trying to hide the fact of a ripped shirt and a muddy Jessica and Genna that was almost even harder then getting out of the cave and home. But when my mom came in through that door and asked the fatal question, So what did you do today? I just couldnt keep it in and told her everything; she was astounded yet angry at the same time. Well she was baffled by what I told her while she tried to figure out a punishment to fit the crime or put in better words what John said, You do the crime you do the time. Then after about 2 hours of questioning and some yelling her and my dad came up with a punishment, I was grounded the rest of the summer sadly and so were Genna and Jessica. After my parents told their parents you know how it works. As summer dwindled away and the school year approached I realized that it was all worth it in the end. Since I could now tell the greatest summer story ever even better then the time with the bear and the cooler. I almost couldnt wait to tell everyone about my summer.

Three Weeks Later

When I got to school on that first day my new teacher said Well how about to help everyone get to know each other we tell a little something about each ones summer. After most the kids in the class went and said things like I went to summer camp and caught a big fish or the ever classic Did nothing except sleep until noon. It came to me and I told the miraculous story of my summer and my punishment. There were as usual some kids that were non-believers. But it definitely got me the A for the day because my teacher just said Wow! You kids have wild imaginations! Then he went on with the lesson plan, but I didnt care, I just sat there and gazed out the window thinking. What can me Jessica and Genna do next summer?[/i][/b]


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Tue Jan 09, 2007 8:48 pm
Fishr wrote a review...



First Padawan, you must learn the fine art of paragraphs and using correct grammar, at least when it comes to dialogue. Everytime someone speaks a new line is needed. And if a new person speaks, another line is needed. So you end up with:

"Yes, I'm going to the movies, why?" Jess asked irritabley, and then checked her watch. In fifteen minutes, the film would start, and she'll miss it if her imbocile friend doesn't learn to shake a leg and get a move on!

"I need to bring Tampons, just in case. Do we have time still?" Rachel asked, rifling through her purse casually.

"No, and good-bye Rachel. I don't have time for this." And Jess opens the door and exits, leaving Rachel wide-eyed and a loss for words.

What I have presented is the correct grammar used for dialogue. Notice I made new lines evertime someone new spoke?

And, I'd take a second look at the ten foot long, giant paragraph, and possibly consider editing. Remember, new paragraphs are started when a new event corresponds to it.

Best of luck!




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Fri Dec 29, 2006 6:16 pm
Esmé wrote a review...



The first thing that I noticed when I started to read your story is the lack of apostrophes. Generally, it makes a better impression if your spelling and grammar is standard at least.

Quote
Well, these are my best friends Genna and Jessica. Genna is 14 and Jessica is 12.
I don’t like the ‘these’ part, and I think that you started off with to much of a jolt here.

Quote
It was a Saturday morning and I was woke up by my alarm. I tried hitting the snooze but I missed and hit my lamp. By the time I hit the snooze button I was already wide awake and wouldnt be able to fall asleep again even if I tried.
Again, this is pretty quick. As to the ‘snooze part’, why not use synonyms? Also, I think that there is something wrong withh the times, but I’m not quite sure so I’m not going to correct you here.

Quote
But as I was waking
Don’t start your sentences with ‘but’.

Quote
But as I was waking up from that zombie like state I started thinking what I dont have this summer. I mean, I have nothing, I cant go to school bragging about stuff like that one year Dad and I went camping and I left the cooler open before we went fishing. When we came back a bear had eaten all our food and destroyed our tent so we had to go back home again. But Ive done nothing this summer; hopefully Ill find something interesting to do.
I don’t really get that part, sorry. I reread it a couple times, and I’m quite sure there is something wrong with it. -Maybe you should somehow transform that fragment, try changing it somehow.

Quote
When I got downstairs and looked in the pantry I found John had already eaten all the sugar coated sugar loops, and by the way John is my little brother hes 8, and hes a brat.
I would suggest altering that sentence. Maybe you should write two separate sentences?

Uh… Sorry that I am correcting every single sentence… Maybe I’m just the picky sort… I think I’m going to stop, among others to stop stomping on your self-confidence…

You know what? Try rewriting your story, make peace with grammar and spelling, write proper paragraphs and generally improve it. PM me if you want, and I’ll write a critic for you then.

I have confidence in you!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Please do not abandon the story. It will feel stranded.

Hope I havenłt been too harsh, elein




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Tue Dec 26, 2006 5:13 am
Emerson wrote a review...



First off, Merry Christmas, and Welcome to YWS!

I'll keep your age in mind while writing this critique, but eh, the start is boring. This is written not as a piece of fiction but as a story. (What, there is a difference?) yes. This is something you would (as from the first paragraph) tell your aunt that you haven't seen in three years and you want to distract her from asking you why you never wear the ugly clothes she buys you. Word for word. But, that does not mean this can not be a piece of fiction either!

Difference? A piece of fiction is not told, it is narrated. Narration has more excitement to it! It's thrilling, its scaring, its funny! It's not an automatic introduction of characters in the first start. When you read (and I sure hope you do! ;-) ) Do any of the books you read start this way? None that I have, and none of the good ones have. Look at how your favorite author starts his books and try to understand how you could do the same (though...it would be better to vary it) to fit your story.

Maybe at the end of this I'll better describe narrating vs. telling.

I hope I don't burst your bubble, but I'm not going to finish reading it because I think I've read enough to help you out for now :-)

Another thing about fiction, is when a new character talks, you start a new paragraph.

"Get the car!" Joan yelled. "NOW!"
"Alright!" her boyfriend whined.
"Hurry!" Joan yelled again.

See? Another thing in fiction, is you don't want to plug your reader with boring or unneeded filler/information. We don't need to know what you ate for breakfast that morning because it has nothing to do with the actually story. Heck, we don't even need to know you ate breakfast, its one of those assumed things really you could have said, "We went to the caves after I ate breakfast" and it would be done with. You try to get to the real story as quick as possible, you arguing with your brother over whether you can go or not isn't really the story or the excitement.

You have missing apostrophes and commas (mostly for dialog). Grammar is an important thing in writing, so make sure you know lots about it!

I think I can leave you with a few good tips that will turn this story into a piece of fiction. Begin exciting! We don't care who you are, if we aren't interested in the story. Again, look at things you've read for this example, or look at stories on here. another thing, get to the real meat of the story right away, don't give us a whole paragraph of what you did all day. And back to narrating vs telling. Narration involves great detail, where telling is just...telling. I'm...honestly not sure how to explain it any better.

But there is a difference! I just can't find the words to describe it. I hope all this helps your venture into become a writer :-D

If you have any questions or need some help around the site or something, feel free to PM me and I'll do my best!




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Tue Dec 26, 2006 5:09 am
Loose wrote a review...



ok, yeah, im sure you put some effort into this, but... well...

"im Bret and Im 13 7/9 years old"

I dont get that. 7/9ths? the 7/9 is confusing. Brett is spelt wrong, as far as i'm aware, and also, there is a lack of punctuation. you write im instead of I'm, whos instead of who's, dont instead of don't. perhaps a little spellchecking next time?

the sentence :"Those were much simpler times but anyway on with the story."

That is a sentence that really confused me. Its the sort of thing I write in those types of stories you write because you have nothing better to do.
It should at least be two sentences. Also, you don't write as a recount, you write as though it's happening right now, and that is a mistake. I barely got through the first paragraph, so I don't know what happens after "... even if I tried". In my opinion, that way of writing should be avoided unless you can perfect it, and to be honest, that was not perfected. Perhaps try re-writing in past tense, or third person. Quite frankly, this seems like a first draft, and it doesn't have a hook. I found I had to push myself to just read what I did.

But, rather than killing your ego, which I am strongly against, I suggest you re write it and post it again, so it's better. It most likely has potential, if you work at it.





I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken