Published June 26, 2010
This isn't how I write anymore, but I was wondering if my old angsty style would be better recieved. It's a bit creepy, now that I read it.
when our eyes met
that very first time
they held
for an eternity
unblinking
we gazed at each other
swirling colors until i broke away
now every day
i try to catch
your glance again
because those first few seconds
addicted me
i long for your eyes in mine
look at me
as i look at you
when your back is turned
intensely
my emotions burning
into the back of your head
yes, i've finally been stricken
by that feeling that gives
makes
breaks
takes
until the world is consumed
by thoughts
for one.
Just that one special one.
Come.
Stare at me.
Laugh with me.
With our eyes a thousand words are spoken
And not a single sound made.
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Canary word: Present
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140,605 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
So basically, in 33 lines you basically say: I have to see you again. x3
I'd hope that in 33 lines you'd get a much more powerful message instead of a really basic love cliche that's been chewed on and chewed on again. But that's not something I can fix. Next time, avoid using the first thing that comes to mind, or how you feel in a relationship of some sort. Most likely, your going to have a massive cliche.
Next, what's the point of hitting the enter button every time your reader tries to catch a breath? It's not fast paced it's annoying and hard to read. You haven't hooked your reader with your idea, but your forcing them to stomp through your poem. Crushing any flowering likings of your poem.
Poems are delicate and flowing, you've got to create a train of thought, or simply flow. Instead of cutting up your poem like a butcher would try something more like this:
Easier to read no? Also, though being picky is something a poet should being to consider at some point, you aren't at that point. Capitalize your I's
Quick note about that stanza, what in the world are the swirling colours? In the person's eyes? Puzzling. Clear that up.
Good luck,
Kamas
Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer. Now let me explain something new a lot of this come across as same old, seen it, heard it, had enough of it. The whole thing is a cliche with spawn like cliches coming off it. The pace stops this from being any good at all. The imagery is all 'Been there done that, bought the t-shirt.' there is no legitimate emotion in this, it doesn't sound creepy, it sounds forced, stilted and deeply contrived. It doesn't enrapture me, it just forces me to read it a certain way and holds me prisoner to it's stunted flow.
There are many poems about love, but you know what makes them powerful, not cliches, not flow, but normally they're personal to the writer, but capture the readers imagination, my suggestion if you really wish to rewrite this, is go for something you know relates to you, and not half a million other cliched ridden pieces. Because there is potential, because though most is cliche, it does have some lovely wording, just sadly it's all cliches within cliches.
Hope this helps.
Hello!
Well, everyone has pointed out the structure of this poem! Personally, I think it would be much better if it flowed in a more legato way because I think that would tie in much better with the images and scenes you're trying to portray. It feels like the beginning of love, and that would be much nicer in a more lyrical form.
Also, I feel like you should really change the punctuation. Although some poems work without capitalisation and punctuation, this one would be a lot better with it, as it makes you look a little incompetent rather than like you've carefully thought it out!
-Amy
Hey there!
Like Snoink said, the structure is a bit poor to follow, but I think if you added some punctuation it'd be easier to read because we'd have you to guide the pace and rhythm to ensue the effect. That way you wouldn't have to edit the line length and because there'd be places we're told to take a breath or a quick hesitant pause then it would not only be easier to read, but should carry more effect too. Therefore I think if you revise this and add punctuation, you'll already be on the road to a far better poem.
Is it lyrical? Yes, I think it is. There's a nice pace due to the word choices in the poem, which I think is quite natural so it should apply to most of the readers. The only bit that feels a little off is this here:
Your emotions burning? I can't picture that, and it also seems too wordy. I also don't like the use of imagery to suggest that whoever it is is looking away from you because it doesn't really feel very comfortable to imagine and therefore seems a bit hiccuped in pace.
Anyway, I hope this helped,
Ben
Heylo.
This poem was a wee bit jerky, as others have already said.
Alrighty then..
Why don't you start with capital letters? And a capital letter for 'I' is very important.
So.. For example, you could've written it like this:
When our eyes met,
that very first time,
they held for an eternity.
Unblinking, we gazed at each other,
swirling colours until I broke away.
Just a suggestion.
With some editting, I think this piece will be pretty good.
Keep writing!
I agree with the comments about the stanzas needing to flow better. It does feel like a bit of a jerky movement or like gasping for breath.
The middle part - makes / breaks / takes - could be written as one line. Or it might be stronger to take out the middle part as it doesn't really make sense as one line. You could try "by that feeling that / gives, makes, breaks, takes" if you don't want to omit that part.
I do like the imagery that you used in the beginning and at the end. I feel that this will be a strong poem, once you smooth it out a bit more so it doesn't feel like you're gasping for air. Good luck!
Great work I must say!
Eye contact is said to be more important to those who like each other more then words. I suppose that if one looks in a another's eyes and feel nothing there is nothing.
Anyways great work and there were few bumps along the way!
I look forward to seeing more from you ireylcadence!
-Dawn
I will have to third that herky-jerky comment about the poem. Really, you need to condense some lines. This short stuff really says little, and all your doing is stretching a few cliched lines to poem length. There isn't anythin in this poem about the relationship, just lovestruck teenagerism. Having read some of your more recent poetry, I advise to forget this stage--your new stuff is head and shoulders above it.
agreed, it was hard to read and i had to read it a few times to try and get what you were saying. I like the topic and its a good one to work with and if you rote it in a smother way it would be a good poem =]
this poem
is akin
to
stop
and
go
traffic.
I cannot tell
you
how
difficult reading this
poem
is because
I keep feeling
like I'm jerked around so
that the
subject eludes
me.
No, seriously, smooth it out! It has a really jerky style to it which is just... uncalled for in this poem, really.
Anyway, I think you need more description. It looks like you're trying to make a bad romance poetic, but since we don't know anything about the romance, the words only jump from the jerky way you wrote it. We want to have the poem, in its entirety, jump off the page and start dancing.