Published June 17, 2010
I spy an everlasting game of strife,
An endless, vindictive race of life
Chasing in circles of hope as we
Pray for a freedom we fear to meet.
Now I, in my aphasia stare
At the dervishes passing, cradling cares
And I, still young, raise up my hand
To question life why it so demands.
For I, satiated, with the wind on the grass,
Reach through the glass for the summer’s sweet bask
And glow as the cares drop and shatter beneath;
I’ll live life as a living lest life should defeat.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Usually I do not like the short works, yet this one seems to hit all the right beats.
In the end I wanted to read (however there was none). Still not to sure what the poem was abut till the end but still felt like a great piece of work!
Keep on writing and ill keep reading!
-Dawn
Well, you've certainly got better rythmn than I do, that's for sure. Really, good job on this. My only complaint is that the reader rather tumbles through it--slow down the pacing. I would agree with bubblewrapped that this feels to lack roots, but I also see how you're addressing a general view of "the young mind. I love your word choice in the last verse, and also your imagery. Take some of that and use it in the first verses which feel flat in comparison.
Thanks for the critiques!
Bubblewrapped, I agree, now that I look back on it, I feel like there should be at least one more stanza between the first and the second. Time for some editing.
Hi ireylcadence,
I quite enjoyed this poem. You have a great feel for rhythm and the rhyme scheme - while a little stretched in places - was neat and quick, seeming almost to drive the poem on.
However, I have to say that it ultimately didn't leave much of an impact. It was kind of a flash in a pan; a momentary spark and then it was over. I want to know more about this young mind you are describing - why life is so demanding - some background - anything that would go beyond the surface. I think there's a lot more you could say about this concept but you're limited by the rhyme scheme and the need to conform to a set rhythm. Perhaps you could try a rendition of the idea in free verse, and see where it takes you.
I'll look forward to seeing some more of your work in the future
Cheers,
~bubbles
It's good, however i feel that the rhyming feels forced, but that may just be me.