Published December 23, 2010
How many times have you found yourself at a party where the only people you even slightly know are the host and some far-removed fifth cousin, and with neither to be found, you edge yourself to the group fidgeting on the couch, open your mouth, and come off as absolutely, undeniably smooth? And how many times have you been pointed out and laughed at by your so-called friends for your absolutely incorrigible eloquence and sociability, no matter how you try to shirk the title? Here, then, is a guide for those unfortunate souls branded as artful, adroit, and elegant (there’s no need to be embarrassed) to the fine art and necessary skill of, well, in short, awkwardness.
For the sake of time and space, let’s abridge our instructions to the three most important points. Remember as you are reading that there is no use in only understanding the theories if you don’t put the knowledge to practice—in other words, don’t talk the talk without walking the walk.
One: First things first—take everything to the extreme.
Exaggerate. As a dabbler in brusqueness, this should be your mantra. Forget about the easygoing, well-oiled mannerisms that mark you out as “graceful” or “refined”. When a kindly looking socialite at the aforementioned party offers you a try at his or her homemade potato salad (“home-grown, kosher spuds!”), exaggerate—take two generous, squelchy heapings (or as much as the plate can bear), then thrust your face into that of your amiable benefactor, and proclaim from the depths of your diaphragm, “WHY, THANK YOU MOST GRACIOUSLY, MY JOLLY FRIEND. YOU MUST HAVE HEARD THE RUMBLINGS OF MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM FROM LIGHTYEARS AWAY.” Then proceed to make small-talk of whatever subject that can come to mind—the architecture, the date, the pastiness of the salad—because, of course, you must show off your gratefulness in the most extreme manner possible. A few jokes (yes, you should try too hard) wouldn’t hurt either—“Why do potatoes make good detectives? They must keep their eyes peeled!”
If, suppose, you would prefer not to strain your vocal cords so much, there is no need to worry. It is also possible to exaggerate in the other extreme—the uncouth are rather versatile. The same socialite now comes to you asking if you would mind helping him take a picture with his fellow potato-munching friends. You are feeling apathetic and would rather not take up the request—but instead of just easily differing—dramatize your indifference. Ignore the camera that the good fellow is offering to you and instead take a good stare into the depth of his eyes. Don’t allow your mouth to utter a single sound. Put on a wry smile if you find it necessary. Roll your eyes as far as they may go. If you can succeed in making the man leave, then you have learned exaggeration well—the sign of a successful oaf is the ability to make others feel as ill-at-ease as you do.
Two: Know the norm—and divert.
Key to making others feel uncomfortable is throwing them in situations that they would be ill-suited to deal with. Language choice is one way. Diction (as you might know it from your AP Language classes) can be utilized fairly easily to play to your needs. Start small: Go to your history teacher, and start asking him questions relating to factorials and derivatives, using terms that only a math textbook would contain. Once mastered, make this a habit—adopt a manner of speech, with its particular sentence structures and jargon, whether it be Shakespearian, Quaker-like, Jedi-like, or utterly Instruction Manual-esque, and make it a habit to speak thus, especially if it is entirely out of context with your surroundings. Once the tactics in terms of speaking are learned, diverting from the norm in other manners will be (to use a hackneyed phrase that absolutely does not belong in an AP assignment) “a piece of cake”.
Three: Be conscious--
--of everything. Including the piece of Romanian lettuce wedged between your partner’s two front teeth, the acne making little constellations across his or her face, the way his or her munching on the referenced salad sounds particularly loud in the awkward (congratulations!) silence. And make sure your partner is conscious of these things too—by kindly giving them the hint by gazing absorbedly at whatever trouble spot there may be. For advanced gauche-masters, the subtle art of pretending to not notice might be an even more effective way of causing fidgeting in your very amicable partner.
With all this said, once again, it is important to “put your knowledge to the test”. The author wishes the trainee all expediency—may the world claim another exemplar of awkwardness to its ranks!
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137,430 Literary Works • 672,016 Reviews
ROFL! Your genius-ness in this kept me laughing the whole way down, I loved it! Great job
lol
This is pretty amazing. The content is simply spectacular (though the length dwindled with each one), but the actual technicalities of the writing were superb as well. I really like the tone you wrote this with. I really don't have much to say about this, because, well, I loved it, and don't have anything bad to point out. Excellent little write.
-Coral-
Haha! This got me to chuckle inside and out. I was actually expecting something quite different when I started reading, and then I got into it and it flipped 180 degrees! I like it a lot, especially because it's sort of comedy/psychology/easy reading stuff and also quite deep at that.
More of it!
This is quite possibly one of the greatest things written of all time! I love this so much! I couldn't think of anything you could do to make this any better. Yeah I understand that I am basically repeating everything said above this, but this is hilarious and true and just made my day.
You should so continue on this, make more 'how to's' that are just as epic. This is epic, keep writing, for all our sakes, please please PLEASE keep writing. 
The only thing i got to say is , get ready for this:
HILLARIOUS!!!!
I swear i laughed from the beggining till the end!! This i gurantee you is simply genius. The title itself made me curious as to what i'd find inside, and yep i found a treasure. I am sure your teacher will be impressed with this.Its hard not to, unless of course she is hard heaeted.Well anyway i wish you the best of luck for whatever you get on the homework assignment. Don't worry this is sure to earn you atleast an A !! Please keep on writing more of this type. Comedy is so your thing.
-good luck!
buddy
I just loved it. Such a great idea. One of those things that make you jealous that you didn't come up with it! And I love it because its the opposite of, "How to be popular".
Anyways, keep on writing!
MissMadHatter
Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think this is one of of the best (if not the best) things I have ever read on here. Oh my god. You should write a text book on the Art of Awkwardness.
Hiya! This piece, as many others before me have said, was BRILLIANT. I don't know why but the whole part about the potato salad-making socialite made me twitch with laughter. I'm really eager to try this out on my friends. Most of them are so different from the other that this will be interesting to see who cracks first.
This was great!
Luxy
Thank you so much for this! Never again will I have to suffer the humiliation of being the sophisticated and popular party guest!
On a more serious note... this was brilliant! Large amounts of alcohol usually helps, but I suppose that would be counted as cheating.
This was absolutely magical. I might come back and read it again in a couple hours so I can start off the new year with a smile and some witty advice.
My favorite part was:
I know somebody else already mentioned that quote as being hilarious, but it really was my favorite part, and I wish I could actually say something like that out loud on the spot.
Keep writing! Gosh, I can't believe this was last-minute...
I have not laughed so hard in a long time....
Lovely work, mate. You have real talent with humour. If this was last minute, I'd hate to see how blindingly awesome something you put a ton of time into would be... You did a lovely job, and your language was very advanced. I hope you get an A- you deserve it.
Please keep writing awesomeness!
-Tori
Well, sorry to be such a downer, but... This wasn't really good in my eyes. The writing style was kind of boring... It also didn't help me with being more awkward.
Keep writing,
Alzora
XD That. Was. Hilarious.
In case you haven't read all of the reviews above me, (which I really doubt because of their sheer number) I will post my own. This piece is absolutely PERFECT for me because, guess what? I'm going to a New Year's party tomorrow. *dry smile* Oh, sure, there'll be plenty of people I do know, but maybe for the next adult with stunted English that complains about how I don't talk at all or something like that, I just might follow these rules. I don't really call myself eloquent, unless I'm in a play that forces me to do so, and I'm usually grim and taciturn in front of strangers...haha, really endearing myself to them, aren't I? When I was younger it was OK because I was so cute and all, but when you're a teenager sulking at everyone sitting around you, not so much.
And wow, I don't think you really needed to know that. XD What I'm trying to say is, this cheered me up at the end of a long day and provided myself with the perfect revenge on the friends with the harshest jokes, as well as the most offensive, snobbish adults. ^_^ Awesome, my friend. Plain awesome. I don't have any advice for you on this.
PS: This is last-minute? Wow! Now I know what level my writing has to reach when I'm older. XD
This was amazing! Of course, I was born mastering this art (not to brag or anything...) but to those who aren't socially-impaired I'm sure this will be a lot of help. So, *applause*. In all seriousness...or at least some...you've got a knack for letting your personality shine through; I mean, really, non-fiction is hard enough but a homework assignment? Mine are always lifeless and dry. You've avoided that; it sounds natural and loose but keeps the style and structure that school enforces. So, I bow to your greatness. Haha.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Well. I definitely have NO problem being awkward, but maybe I should print this off and give it to those annoyingly cool, social people! Good job. You should turn this into like an "Awkwardness for Dummies" or something.
~Blue
I am not going to bother nitpicking this; after all, there's really isn't anything to nitpick. Utter brilliance, my friend. Wry, witty, sometimes laugh-out-loud hilarious. I know several people who have probably taken your advice to heart.
well this is a lame review, but great job!
Why are you so brilliant? This is probably the best piece of non-fiction I've read ... ever!
Ah-a! I could totally picture this in my head!
Just brilliant. I will keep this advice close at hand.
Oh, and the tiniest of little nit-picks:
I'm thinkin' it might look better as such:
Well, now that I think of it, either way could work!
OVERALL:
Like I said: This is brilliant. I cannot get over how humourous it actually was! It gives me all new insight to being the socially awkward one! I can't wait to test my knowledge! The way you worded everything was perfect -- it was so easy to picture everything, and put it into perspective for the reading. The final third point played out like a perfect scene in my head -- I was itching with the absolutely absurd awkwardness of it! You my friend deserve a gold star! -gives gold star-
Anyways, keep up the great work -- this was a pleasure to read! I hope to goodness you got a perfect mark on this -- and if you didn't, at least you can just make the process of handing back the assignment super awkward for your teacher! Kudos to you!
Keep writing!
-- Flux
Wow. This is great! I feel as though I have just opened an instruction manual on awkwardness instead of reading a last minute homework assignment. (I also found your examples very entertaining.)
This is so amazing! I actually feel like you are talking about me, and you are probably talking about a bit of everyone. I am sure that even the people who seem to blend in completely feel a bit insecure and ridiculed sometimes.
Anyway, I love it. I didn't some get of the words, but I English is not my first language after all. I think I will try to follow your guidelines next time I am with a crowed.
Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard at this part. I pictured someone actually doing this...so funny!
Anyway, this is pure genius and I loved it.
LOL! Okay, so I'm normally more graceful than a "lol", but it was quite appropriate for this. I hope your teacher reads every single word of this, and loves every single bit of this. Heck, if I was your teacher - you'd get a hundred for it AND extra credit. This, my friend, is simply epic.
There's no real point in spell-checking/grammar-checking this, I can tell it's for an easy assignment, and that it was quite fun to write. All I can say is... I wish I was the genius to think this up =) It's pure gold, my friend, gold!
Wow. Simply, wow. If I had read this in person with you, I would have stood up and very slowly started clapping until miraculously a loud round-of-applause started sounding off behind me. For just being practically jotted down at last minute for a homework assignment, this is nearly immaculate. Great job on every little tidbit in this. I spotted no problems, and likewise I have no nitpicks nor critiques. My favorite part would have to be (of course, being loud mouthed, goofball me) the section that discusses avoiding the norm. I was practically falling out of my chair by that point. You have an impeccable way with the craft of the stringing of words into sentences and paragraphs. Each words was a a bit of gold dust, each sentence a gold nugget, and each paragraph gold bullion. Great job, and if your teacher doesn't give you an "A" with at least ten pluses following close behind it, then you've gotta slap some sense into that teacher!