love

Hello!
I loved your poem so much! It was very real in a way of showing that people have another side that not everyone sees. The last sentence of your palm was a very touching and creative. I also like the way that you started the poem off describing the girl as others would see her. At the end however, you spoke more about who she really was. You captured what was almost like a second side to a person. This was a beautiful poem and you need to keep writing!

Hello!
I loved your poem so much! It was very real in a way of showing that people have another side that not everyone sees. The last sentence of your palm was a very touching and creative. I also like the way that you started the poem off describing the girl as others would see her. At the end however, you spoke more about who she really was. You captured what was almost like a second side to a person. This was a beautiful poem and you need to keep writing!

Hi! I'm E and I'll be doing a quick review for your piece! Let's get started:

So to begin, I must say I love one word titles. Love is just such a simple word with many different meanings and interpretations to it, which I think is perfect for this poem. Next, I really enjoyed the flow of this piece, as well as the use of short lines and long lines. I like the randomness so to say, of how long each fragment of the sentence or phrase is. It keeps the poem broken up well enough, so it's not entirely a conventional paragraph "story".

My favorite lines were definitely the last 4-5.

"and she is the girl
that is afraid that if she breathes too hard it will
topple
into
dust."

I thought it was a nice way to end this sweet poem that eventually seeped into darker tones. The ending gave off the idea that people have two sides to them. The side we see in public, and the undertones of insanity, fear, darkness. It really was such a beautiful way to end the piece.

The imagery you used was also very powerful. Phrases like
"that is in love with secrets,
with broken smiles,
chipped teeth,
pages turning,
and a baby’s laugh."

really stuck out to me. I liked how they were considered the "unconventional". It really gives the reader a peak into the society that this character is living in, and how she stands as an enigma for something different.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I think it had some very strong imagery, word choice, and a great tone to it. My one suggestion would be to break up a few of the stanzas. The one inparticular that I noticed was here:
"pages turning,
and a baby’s laugh.
For the girl
who grabs anything she can hold on to,"

I think if you made it:
"pages turning,
and a baby’s laugh.

For the girl
who grabs anything she can hold on to,..."

It would fit in better with the way the rest of the piece is set up. Well, that's about all I have to say. Your work it clearly very good, and I enjoyed the piece very much. Keep working hard and writing!

-E

First off, listen to @Pompadour regarding your line breaks, as, while this poem is lovely in concept, execution, and creative merit, it was a terror to read due to the completely slaughtered flow.

Let's talk about the power of imagery.

We're given several samples here of views of the world, and they're all unique experiences--all seamless transitions between worlds--because of the beautiful brushstrokes of your imagery. We take in a lovely woman who keeps her promises, who's a social butterfly, and in the reader's mind we're in the dining room with plates full of dessert, glasses full of wine; and the woman asks for the same thing the next day because 1. the world is a social creature.

We see a woman flirting with men, courting, building passion between two people again, again, again - and she is in love. This is important to both her and us because 2. the world's blood is rife with love.

We see the girl, young, and viewing the world as a spiral because that's how chaotic time passes. You weave this into the narrative with my favorite lines of the piece:

"the world is a spiral,
and there is only
so much time
to see it."

This. This is important because 3. no one will ever have enough time.

And you explore her virtues and warnings, givings and takings. You warn us about her, and how not to take advantage of her, her love, her treasury--because in the final moments you dive into her anxieties and shortcomings, and you bring her perspective into our own. So fragile, and so powerful.

All of that inference came from imagery alone, and you have a good grasp on it. Just work on your pacing, relax into your skills and shortcomings so you can learn, and you'll be a wonder in no time.

You got a follower!
Lumi

hello.

this is an interesting piece. i like how it explores the concept that love as a subjective experience is not constrained in its definition--it is yet multi-faceted and complex, constantly changing with experiences and posing different sorts of emotions alongside itself. my critique will not be concerning the formative ideas behind the piece, or the images, or the devices you use with which to sustain these ideas. an issue that i am immediately at odds with is more stylistic/technical in nature, because this issue is hampering your flow--and flow determines, to a large degree, how well your message appeals to the reader.

i'm talking about line breaks.

for the most part, the line breaks in this piece divide sentences up far too much--so much so that what the poet is trying to say gets lost because the reader cannot keep up with the breaks in flow. generally speaking, giving each word its own line is not the wisest way to go unless drawing attention to specific words helps build a certain wanted emphasis. 'topple//into//dust' doesn't read badly, for example, because it evokes within me images of someone trying to catch their breath/keeping something that is fated to fall from falling. i hear the resounding thump, the book being snapped shut. it is abrupt. and it works. however, fragments like 'is spinning', 'too hard it will', 'who grabs anything', etc. having their own lines does not pose for an effective play with enjambment because my attention wavers with nothing solid to connect to. these lines are, essentially, just bridges between things, but you cannot build a bridge unless it overlaps the land at some point. does this make sense?

as an example, here is how i would (personally) edit the line breaks in the last stanza. (you do not have to break your lines this way; this is just one among many ways you could do this!)

Please, do not mistake
her patience for sanity,
her heart for gold,
or her hands for guides,
because the world
is spinning on one fingertip
and she is the girl
that is afraid
that if she breathes too hard it will
topple
into
dust.