Secrets

WHOA. You are getting a follower for this. I love the tone-setting word choice in this piece and the whole story being told in a single moment. You do a good job of keeping everything realistic, and the mood is somber, but not too overblown. There are words spoken with eyes and hands and shivers, and it seems a long, cold rain is blowing outdoors. I could actually find only one grammatical error:

"They were kept low and were soft, but her exterior was hardened, her muscles taught as she ate."
I think this sentence has a case of Homophone Confusion. Not uncommon, but it briefly confuses the reader enough to throw them off the mood and realize what a beautiful day it is. I know what you are trying to say, but it is commonly spelled 'taut'. Taught has another meaning entirely.

One last tiny thing: You use the word 'sad' a lot in this piece. Try using a thesaurus for more vivid and varying words.

That's all I have to say! This was an amazingly written story. I also read 'Butts' and it is obvious you have a real talent for flexibility. I hope to see more from you!
_Toady

Hello! Happy Review Day!

Things were the way they were at the beginning.

An endless circle of too-bright smiles and too-deep eyes holding too many things. The questions that seem to never change, almost as absolute as their answers. Every year seemed to never fail to bring the same things, yet there was always something that wasn’t quite right about any of it. Looking at the sea of familiar and also foreign faces, I wondered what made me dislike this so much. But I knew that if I tried hard enough, I’d have no trouble at all remembering why.

The man with the rotund stomach and even bigger personality always sat at the head of the table. I think he sat there so he could be heard easier, so his bellowing voice could deafen us to silence. It wasn’t his home, but we were his guests.

My cousins were only a couple days apart and a year older than I. Growing up with them was nostalgic and miserable, due to the girl’s—the eldest of us—treatment towards me. She told me once that she was jealous of me, but I didn’t see what she had to compete with. She had a boyfriend who told her he loved her and telling lies. I blended in with the white walls behind us.

If I ever look at my uncle, which I try hard to avoid, I accidentally see what I tried not to. His face is wrinkled and his eyes are sad, and he knows that I don’t have any idea what he does all year, just like half the relatives at this table, except on this day. It’s easy to see his daughter’s personality shadowing over his own, it’s easy to see the time that shaved away the color, and it’s easy to see his love for her. I still haven’t figured out if she reciprocated those feelings, but the fact that I saw more of her hair than her face gave me some ideas.

My aunt lived out of state. Her eyes were even sadder. They were kept low and were soft, but her exterior was hardened, her muscles taught as she ate. Every now and again I would see her glance at my grandfather and then look right back down, sinking lower into the wood of her chair. He would look at her sometimes too, and when he caught me staring he’d give me a grin and stab the turkey on his plate with his fork, ravishing it like I’d suspected he’d done to so many other things.

My grandmother was old and sad. I noticed how she put on a smile that seemed to disappear as soon as it started. I’ve noticed the Cymbalta kept in her drug cabinet while I was looking for Tylenol, and she may think she has everyone fooled, but everyone’s noticed the bruises.

My sister was somewhat of an extrovert. My mother liked to call us two “night” and “day” because of our differences, as if I needed another excuse to notice the contrast.

I didn’t want to be like her. It never offended me when I saw the crowd take to her like a cat to milk. I was never jealous of her inviting smile and loud personality. I was never jealous of her inconsiderate attitude.

My father was not there. Once he heard that my sister was, he backed out completely. It didn’t bother me too much, but I could see the tears in my mother’s eyes when she said goodbye. My father never really came to anything really, and on some occasions I wish could join him.

I think my uncle asks me a question, and I think I answered it, because it was the first time I’d spoken since the rotund man talked to God, since so many stolen glances told so many secrets, since I looked at my cousins and found someone that I didn’t quite recognize.

I turn back to my plate, I hadn’t even taken a bite. As I picked up the fork and debated on whether or not the turkey would be too dry, I came to a conclusion.

Yes.

Things were exactly the way they were at the beginning.

Quite the well written short here. In the first sentence alone, a dark and depressing atmosphere is established using words that shouldn't even be associated with depressing, such as bright and deep. The repetition of "too" shows the main character's opinion of the people gathered around them. And all this detail from just one sentence. The mannerisms and descriptions of each characters help to show just what kind of lives they live, but only if you observe the clues given. Because of this, what would normally be a fairly quick read turns into a long, in-depth analysis. An excellent job on this. It seems like something one would find in a writers magazine than on a website. (That is a compliment.)

Hmmm...I find this an interesting and I wish this would continue into a story. It was writen eloquently and I felt like I had to think about what the narrator was infering to when it came to talking about her family. A family hiding how miserable they are, their secrets, and how it unfolds in certain situations could be an interesting story. Anyways this was pretty good and kept my attention. Good work!

-redbox275

Hello, it's Sybil again!
Once again, you have displayed literary skill that is beyond your years! You write like a true author in the making! (I should know, I check my uncle's students' essays. And they're in college already!) your narration was good, the descriptions were very vivid and suiting for any short story, imagery was good at the introductory parts.

Just a teeny weeny nitpick here. You might want to check the 11th paragraph, 2nd sentence,, 9th word . I would've also liked a more specific description of the setting of this party. Being a short story and having just one scene to work on, it would be better if it were described more physically. But yes, I liked how you concentrated much on the inner insights of the character. Speaking of characters, you've only described the big man in the beginning. It kinda brings in an uneven telling/describing of characters, considering that he is at the same level of characterization as thenithers later described.


And that's all! Overall, it was great! Keep it up!

keep on dreaming!

-Sybil (waltzingdreams)

Ps. Happy Christmas! )