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Halloween Night

by interstella

"Trick or treat!" he crowed as the door swung open. A severe woman stood there, her lips tight with disapproval.

"Aren't you too old to be trick-or-treating?" she clucked.

He shook his head.

She dropped a single lollipop in his pillowcase. "Bye-bye." There was venom in her voice.

He bounded down the steps, red-faced and feeling silly.

A gaggle of children dressed like fairies and firefighters took his place. Smiling wide, the woman dumped half her candy into their buckets and waved goodbye. 

His voice may have dropped, but his Halloween spirit had not wavered.

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51 Reviews

Points: 2866
Reviews: 51

Thu Dec 20, 2018 9:50 pm
Liberty500 says...

I love it!

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10 Reviews

Points: 661
Reviews: 10

Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:20 pm
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Leenedres wrote a review...

Awww I love this so much!!! Feels like it could be part of a novel. I loved how at the end you made it very clear that the woman did not let him down and that he just continued on, ignoring what she said simply put.
I would love to read a second part of this short story where we either read and learn more about the guy/man or where he's at another celebration such as Christmas or thanksgiving for example, you decide!
Be proud of yourself you talented writer!!

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13 Reviews

Points: 696
Reviews: 13

Thu Dec 06, 2018 2:14 pm
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JulietWrites says...

Very fun story, and interesting too. I feel, however, that 'venom' is too strong an adjective to use. Maybe try 'disapproval' instead. The descriptions are very good. I like how you set 100-word limits for some of your stories. It's an interesting challenge. I completely agree that all ages can trick or treat :)! Another thing- try to put in a little more rhythm to your stories. This kind of sounds broken up. Keep writing!

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Points: 42
Reviews: 1

Wed Dec 05, 2018 9:28 pm
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ellentata says...

I really liked this! It actually made me kind of sad, I thought about how I took my childhood for granted and how much I want it back.
I also Think it's impressive you could write something with such an impact, with such few words!

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42 Reviews

Points: 1205
Reviews: 42

Wed Dec 05, 2018 5:10 pm

Wow, did this get out of the greenroom quick! I guess the shorter it is the easier it is to review, but still, wow.

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42 Reviews

Points: 1205
Reviews: 42

Wed Dec 05, 2018 5:08 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...

Hey! This is a pretty short story, so I'm gonna do this differently than I usually do. I typically go paragraph by paragraph, then give my general opinions at the end, but going line by line here seems a little pointless, so I'll just skip to the general stuff.

First and foremost, it might be beneficial to state exactly how old 'he' is. I'm in my mid-teens and I go trick-or-treating every year (there's this house in my old neighborhood where a teacher lives who always sets up some kind of activity each group of kids has to complete, and everyone has to sing a song as well. This year I rapped Cabnit Battle #2 from Hamilton, which he appreciated, being a history teacher, and got 5 pieces of candy, which I assume he gave to make up for that fact that this is the first year I've ever seen him not hand out full-size candy bars). My point is, what is the standard for being 'too old' in this story?

My next point is this, it reads as...choppy. The flow of the words just doesn't feel natural, try reading it aloud either to yourself or someone else to see if you can maybe word it in a way that sounds more like someone is telling you a story. I like to think of my 'narrator' as a character I'm playing in the grand scheme of things. How does this character talk? Would be the most important thing about them, and I'm not suggesting that you have to break the fourth wall or anything, just imagine how your story would sound if it were read to, say, a bunch of six-year-olds gathered 'round their teacher, who would be attempting to tell them a quick story before nap time (likely because of constant goading from said children) (I live with a six-year-old every other week (long story), so my brain just kinda automatically defaults to the familiar).

Anyway, it's a decent piece of writing. I won't say I loved it, because it really wasn't anything too spectacular, but I assume it wasn't your intention to create something that would blow the mind of the reader. For just a quick spoof, it's good. Not great, but good.

Hope that was helpful, bye bye now!

interstella says...

Hi! Thanks for the feedback! Because the story is 100 words long, I feel it isn't necessary to state his age (it would be too specific and take up too much text. Saying "He was fifteen years old," in my opinion, feels trivial and unneeded.) Also, because it is 100 words long, it's probably not going to be read aloud to a flock of children, or to anyone. I feel that its flow is irrelevant, given that it is not poetry, and it's difficult to create decadent strings of text that roll off the tongue with such a limited word count. In fact, it's hard to characterize in detail in 100 words, which is why I couldn't elaborate on how he talks. Lastly, it was mentioned in the last line that his voice has dropped. According to Google, boys' voices start changing around 11 to 14 years of age, and are finished in the years after that. So one could reasonably prefer that our main character is around 15 or 16, which would give the antagonist cause to assume that he's outgrown Halloween. Hope this clears things up.

Yeah, that clears it up. It really wasn't that big a deal in the first place, though we'll have to agree to disagree with the word flow thing and the idea of it being read aloud to a flock of children (a few memories from when I was still little enough to not want nap time confirm that that did, indeed, happen. And yeah, the stories were this short, I had odd teachers. The fact that it happened is why I brought it up as an example). So, yeah, that does clear it up, but I do disagree. No need to argue the point, though. It's kinda pointless.

interstella says...

Huh. I guess the length of the stories makes sense, given that they probably were, "This is a dog. The dog barks. He eats his bone..." ect.

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128 Reviews

Points: 1667
Reviews: 128

Wed Dec 05, 2018 5:03 pm
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AutoPilot wrote a review...

Hullo Interstella!

First off, this is super cute! It also makes me a little sad, for multiple reasons. One (the rather obvious one), it's rather frustrating how social construct dictates that certain enjoyable things and activities (trick or treating, ball pits, bouncy castles, and dinosaur masks, to name a few) should have an age limit. On one hand, it does make sense, as there are a number of rather creepy adults in the world who have warped these things, and the world in general; until we can no longer trust them around our children. But it is always frustrating when those unnerving, dangerous adults ruin it for our teenagers and young adults. Growing up is so disappointing.... But it also makes me sad because trick-or-treating was never a part of my childhood, due to some business about my great great grandmum being a witch and all. It rather turned my mother off to the whole idea. Every year i would watch my friends excitedly pick their costumes, get ready, and go off to have fun.

Now, on to reviewing the work itself!

Your writing here lies somewhere between a short story, and poetry. I like it. It is just enough words to clearly show what you are trying to say, what feelings you are trying to evoke, without having too many words and making it feel bulky. On the note of emotions, this work really brings out mine, you did a great job! Your wording itself is perfect, clear, concise, a bit longing and sad. There are no spelling mistakes, no grammar errors, and your punctuation is on point.

Great job and keep on writing!

interstella says...

Thanks so much! :)

Darkn355 says...

never stop wirting your so good

interstella says...

Thank you! <3

Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman