How do you know when to erase?
Is it when the disease is in every phrase?
And every word you share between,
Is a poison that kills from within?
How do you know when to stop?
Is it when your hearts have lost all hope?
And every shred of affection is but pretense,
But all the pain and lies are present tense?
How do I know when not to love?
When my life’s mine not but Death’s to have?
Because every breath within me is tattered,
Pierced by my heart’s shards, broken and scattered?
This ‘love’ I feel, be it but a fading figment!
A dream that once endured betwixt,
Bestriding my need to find ‘THE ONE’,
and my misguided desire for the thrill of her.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Great poem! I can resemble and it was deep. moving and sad. Very vivid writing tho, I had problems reading it, I do suck at reading lol
I think wattpad.com would be a great website for you.
thanks a lot for the review.
And for the compliments too.
Heya, Inspirus!
Amazed. Truly. The inconsistent rhyming lent the piece a delicious choppiness. In a way, it reflected the narrator's emotions: torn into shreds, then stitched together again by anger. I'm receiving mixed messages, but I think that was the intent; the first stanzas rang bitter, the last vengeful, and then you glazed things over with stunning imagery. Third stanza served as a transition, preparation for the style change.
I've a reputation for imperceptiveness, but I'll take a stab at the poem's purpose. To unwrap love's true meaning. Love, it's a cage with iron bars, and not an entirely comfortable one. But I wouldn't go so far as to name it a prison. The narrator's interesting; after long deliberation, I still couldn't quite pinpoint him. The first two stanzas, he/she uses plural second person pronouns, as if referring to a couple. An outsider, craving advice or being critical? Then the poem takes a dark turn, as he/she reflects on his own feelings. There are so many layers to this, I can't even begin to comprehend them.
Did I mention stunning imagery? Because this poem stole my breath away. Beautiful. Seamlessly flowing. I can only think in fragments. And the conclusion was a resolved chord, a lovely addition to the third stanza. My favorite lines:
They were more than beautiful; they contained deep meaning. Although I have to claim the last stanza was the most beautiful, and the strongest, as the conclusion should be.
Just one nitpick. Caught ambiguous predicates, and they chipped away a little at the enigmatic atmosphere:
The second "is" can easily be exchanged for a juicier verb. Then again, it's a stylistic choice, and feel free to ignore me. And one typo:
"Mine" and "not" should be switched.
You never cease to amaze me. I wish I could "like" this a hundred times over. Fantabulous. Keep up the good work!
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
You have done a wonderful job with this, it is really well written. I do have a couple nitpicks though.
" How do you know when to erase?
Is it when the disease is in every phrase?"
In these lines, and a couple more, they sound as if they should rhyme. It may just be a weird thing with me, but it throws me back when a poem sounds as if it should rhyme, then doesn't. I'm not saying change it, as it probably is just me, but I felt it was worth pointing out.
" And every shred of affection is but pretense,
But all the pain and lies are present tense?"
In this, I found it should be 'and every shred of affection is in pretense' or something like that, because if you say 'but pretense,' it sounds like it isn't pretense.
The last thing I will mention is that I believe your conclusion was a little bit weak. If you added a phrase or two on there to fully conclude the work, I think it could make it ten times stronger.
That's all I have! You did a good job, keep writing!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
This is very nicely worded and I like it a lot. I must say, I'm in love with the line, "Is it when the disease is in every phrase?"
Just a few missing things I noticed:
"How do you know when stop?"
And,
"How do I know when not love?"
I'm not sure if you wrote them this way on purpose or not, but they're both missing a "to".
Also, the 4th to last sentence looks a bit odd when I'm reading it, it might flow a bit better with a comma after "feel".
Hi Seastormy! Thanks for the review and the compliments. And yeah, those were omissions, including the comma.
I swear I proofread it two million times before I posted it. haha
Hello, I thought I'd give you a breif review on your poem!
Even though your poem didn't exactly rhyme, it had a wonderful flow which made it pretty much amazing! It gives it the desperation and the longing in a way. Love it!
I also love your use of words,
,, This ‘love’ I feel be it but a fading figment!
A dream that once endured betwixt,
Bestriding my need to find ‘THE ONE’,
and my misguided desire for the thrill of her. ''
These were my favourite lines.
Nothing to complain about really!
Keep up the good work!
sophiewrites
Hey Sophie.
I love those four lines as well, they oozed right out of me. haha
Thanks a lot for the acclamation!