Back again! Sorry for the wait.
Loved, loved, loved the AABB rhyme scheme. You wouldn't think it'd fit, but it locked right in like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
I don't know if it was intended it or not, but in the end, the voiceless velar stops tipped the scale. First few stanzas, words slipped smoother than oil. The only obstacles in the fluency were the tight rhyming. They contributed to the conclusion's solidity, in a way. And the imagery ... gorgeous. Elaborate, yet open for interpretation:
An unforgiving dagger to my already wounded heart,
When I first glimpsed this, I was like, "Oh, a cliché ..." But you provided a twist with "unforgiving." A heart that's sinned? A heart begging for forgiveness?
The formatting, too. It suits the meaning well. An abstract noun kicking off each stanza, preceding a period. Those periods are just pure genius. They established fragments, the fragments contributed to the grim atmosphere, and the atmosphere breathed life into the narrator's dark past.
I'll admit, I prefer the other poem, but that means little, considering the quality of your poetry. The rhyme scheme felt a little forced. It affected clause length and fluency: "whispering into my heart for me to dare." Dare what? I suppose the reader can infer it, but in grammatical terms, it's necessary to specify. The rhyming was best in the third stanza. Flawless.
But the biggest thing holding this superior is the limited helping verbs. This time, they were cut to the minimum; instead of attracting my attention, they handed the spotlight off to the nouns and adverbs. Amazing. I could never achieve that.
Specific nitpicks ...
The tortuous quietness my sadness has made.
The two "ness"s cheapen the imagery's effect. I'd recommend abridging "quietness" to "quiet," and "sadness" is a bit of a weak noun. There are plenty of juicy alternatives. I'd recommend something along the lines of "despair," but it's a stylistic choice.
"Made", as well. But it needs to rhyme with "pervade," in which case, I'd recommend changing "pervade."
That unlike my ‘soulmate’, it will never leave my soul that’s suffering.
This sticks out a bit due to its length. The phrasing also comes off a bit awkward: maybe "suffering soul," but I suppose I have to take into account the fact that "suffering" has to rhyme with "promising."
Tiny glimpses into my once glorious past.
One glorious? Does that mean that the present's reshaped it? Or do the last months only apply?
And Love?
Not a nitpick. Just applauding you on your choice to capitalize it.
The quantity of feedback may exceed the praise, but trust me, I loved this. Very well-done. You never cease to amaze me!
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Reviews: 308
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