Silence.
The tortuous quietness my sadness has made.
As I write this, her memory pervades.
And all what’s left of my sanity,
Are the screams that christen my yearn for her, Vanity.
Solitude.
An unforgiving dagger to my already wounded heart,
Relentlessly stabbing with merciless hurt.
Permeating, filling and shamelessly promising,
That unlike my ‘soulmate’, it will never leave my soul that’s suffering.
Memories.
Tiny glimpses into my once glorious past.
When she was my first and the whole world came last.
Yet what now remains of my recollection of that blissful mist,
Is an iterating reminder of Cupid’s appalling jest.
And Love?
It still subsists, beckoning like an enchanting snare,
Whispering into my heart for me to dare,
To give my heart to someone, blindly and without care,
And in a girl’s heart yet once again, ride like the man with no fare.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Back again! Sorry for the wait.
Loved, loved, loved the AABB rhyme scheme. You wouldn't think it'd fit, but it locked right in like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
I don't know if it was intended it or not, but in the end, the voiceless velar stops tipped the scale. First few stanzas, words slipped smoother than oil. The only obstacles in the fluency were the tight rhyming. They contributed to the conclusion's solidity, in a way. And the imagery ... gorgeous. Elaborate, yet open for interpretation:
When I first glimpsed this, I was like, "Oh, a cliché ..." But you provided a twist with "unforgiving." A heart that's sinned? A heart begging for forgiveness?
The formatting, too. It suits the meaning well. An abstract noun kicking off each stanza, preceding a period. Those periods are just pure genius. They established fragments, the fragments contributed to the grim atmosphere, and the atmosphere breathed life into the narrator's dark past.
I'll admit, I prefer the other poem, but that means little, considering the quality of your poetry. The rhyme scheme felt a little forced. It affected clause length and fluency: "whispering into my heart for me to dare." Dare what? I suppose the reader can infer it, but in grammatical terms, it's necessary to specify. The rhyming was best in the third stanza. Flawless.
But the biggest thing holding this superior is the limited helping verbs. This time, they were cut to the minimum; instead of attracting my attention, they handed the spotlight off to the nouns and adverbs. Amazing. I could never achieve that.
Specific nitpicks ...
The two "ness"s cheapen the imagery's effect. I'd recommend abridging "quietness" to "quiet," and "sadness" is a bit of a weak noun. There are plenty of juicy alternatives. I'd recommend something along the lines of "despair," but it's a stylistic choice.
"Made", as well. But it needs to rhyme with "pervade," in which case, I'd recommend changing "pervade."
This sticks out a bit due to its length. The phrasing also comes off a bit awkward: maybe "suffering soul," but I suppose I have to take into account the fact that "suffering" has to rhyme with "promising."
One glorious? Does that mean that the present's reshaped it? Or do the last months only apply?
Not a nitpick. Just applauding you on your choice to capitalize it.
The quantity of feedback may exceed the praise, but trust me, I loved this. Very well-done. You never cease to amaze me!
Yet another amazing review from you GoldFlame. Thanks a lot.
I'll take all your highlights to consideration.
No problem! (My notif box is a little faulty.
)
Hello inspirus ^^
So, I am finally here to review this. Sorry for the time delay. I have to say it's a beautiful poem about love and what you feel on certain things. How the silence, solitude and memories are a reminder of the love they once shared. So sorrowful too. You did a lovely job with word choice here too. Choosing graceful and fitting words, adding the flow nicely.
You've got a faint rhyme working all the way through the poem, it being more clear in the first one. I didn't really like the rhyme here:
Stringing vanity along at the end there makes it seem pretty forced. You can mix up the form a little bit too, it doesn't have to stay the same for every stanza. A suggestion would be to put the vanity in a line underneath, separate and alone. Puts a bit more emphasis on it while still in keeping with the rhyme. Seems like a pretty good compromise to me!
Other than that small point, there isn't one more thing I would change. The poem was just too good.
Deanie x
A great review! Thanks a lot for the compliments and the insightful highlights.
A great review! Thanks a lot for the compliments and the insightful highlights.
I love your word choice! It's got such an intellectual, adult feel to it and it's just lovely!
I really liked how this was set up. I'm not usually a fan of centering text, but it really works here. The verses are really split up nicely, and I like how the last one has an "and" attached to it on the first line because that shows that they're all connected in the end. Everything connects in this poem and that's why it works.
If you were to separate these on their own, they would fair well. They have strong word choice and images, and their very calming to read through. But, when you have them together, it makes a story. You feel more with the narrator and really get inside of his/her head. I love it. It's beautiful.
The only thing that I would consider looking at is the punctuation. That's a little nit-picky, but you go a little hard on the commas. Maybe ease up on that a little?
Anyways, lovely job!
haha, thank's for the wonderful review. And what can say, I guess i like commas.
I like your formatting! It seems both fitting and somewhat better this way.
I really like this poem. You were undeviating throughout the poem and focused on the general themes that you put into the poem. Your figurative language that you used was appropriate and I found it enjoyable. I especially loved that last line, "...ride like the man with no fare" as well as every last line in each verse/stanza.
However, your title doesn't have to be "Four Verses of Sadness", I personally find it much more interesting if you switched the one in the parentheses with the actual title, but if you wish to leave it as that, you are entitled to, after all.
I liked your word choices. It didn't come across as puzzling and it was consistent.
Hey Cookie, glad you liked the poem. I appreciate the abounding compliments. About the title, I just couldn't find the one i preferred most between the two.