I don't understand this;
Please explain,
Why you must put me,
Through all this pain.
All I want to do,
Is talk to you,
But how can I?
You won't even let me through.
How could you shun me,
Just push me away?
It seems you're the one,
With nothing to say.
You make me want to scream
Want to tear out my hair,
And the thing is that,
You don't even care.
How could you do this?
You don't even know me,
For you won't take the time,
Our likenesses to see.
Is there something hard,
About a friendly little "hi"?
Didn't you hear me,
Say my good-bye?
Would you answer me?
I didn't do anything to you,
And I don't know if you've noticed,
But you're making me blue.
The last poem I wrote you was sweet,
Wasn't it?
I'm sure this will come,
As quite a hit.
No, I'm not really going to give this to you;
That would only make it worse.
Tell me--what on this green earth did I do,
To deserve your curse?
Give me a break;
Why won't you give me a chance?
Talk to me, for once!
No, you can't do that dance,
Until you tell me why.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was too short lined for me, too choppy, too... Why? and How? And And! I mean, seriously, this would be a great story if you hadn't forced so many rhymes... some of them were cliche beyond the MAX
But... it was a good poem though...
People can do better -- you can, if you want help I can help you more... as soon as I just click this button *BOOM*
There were four or five lines n the middl (starting with "how coudl you do this?" that were really good, but a lot of the rhyme scheme seemed forced to me. Especially the last stanza. If it weren't for that pesky "wasn't it?" in there, it would be a great section, but it looks lik you were trying too hard. I know that rhyming sounds cool, but its easy to notice when smeone's putting too much effort into one rhyme, and in that case, the structure is a bad thing for the rest of the poem. Its a decent piece, but don't worry so much about making the rhyme work. Say what you think needs to be said, rather than what you think sounds cool. Most of the best poetry doesn't rhyme at all, but sticks to the bare essencials when it comes to describing the world.
Structure is second hand to the overal outcome. If its too structured, it ends up sounding wrong to the person reading it. If it isn't structured enough though, it may still have the same effect.
Someone once said that the most beutiful phrase in the english language was "cellar door." I am inclined to agree.