Published September 22, 2008
With taut heartstrings, your high hopes have been sustained
On the bench before the piano, the little lass remained.
But look here; don't be fooled by the second hand dress,
Make no mistake, she's got the lips of a temptress.
Hide away, leave her singing sweet songs of the sea.
Amongst magic, morning light, and subtle tranquility.
Her voice will be with you throughout this timely parade.
Keep in touch and there will be many memories to be made.
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140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I think this is totally lovely, the dreamyness and lardy da ness of t is great.
:)
It's serious but lighthearted at the same time, i also like the way each line is quite long but serves its purpose of getting acroos a perfect image in the readers mind
xx
"On the beach before the piano, the little lass remained."
"beach" to "bench"
"But look here, don't be fooled by the second hand dress,"
I would put a colon after here instead of a comma.
"Amongst magic, morning light, and subtle tranquility,"
I would put a period after this, to end the thought.
I like this! There are a few errors, but other than that, I like it. I enjoy the fact that there's no particular story to this, that the reader can imagine any circumstance to fit the part, and I like the way you put this poem together. Your similes and metaphors make this a real example of "Show Not Tell". Keep it up.
It's a very dreamy, wistful poem. I'm not exactly sure what happened in it, but you definitely have strong imagery in it. See if you can make the event a little bit more clear. Love the fresh perspective with second person.