“Humans are a rather funny thing. They croon their songs of love and endearment, of goodwill and tenderness; such a curious notion I should think it, and yet they are the ones that eat one another alive. Inmates turn on inmates; family stabs family in the back. Innocence is befouled with the cruel, bitter taste of affliction and iniquity, and jubilation is met with anguish and sorrow.
It is no wonder their wings were clipped.
They crawl, bloody hands and knees, across the earth, wretchedly grounded as punishment for their own wickedness, a once oh-so-mighty people, brought low. Their pitiful belief of their place as superior being is nearly laughable; they are not the ones who can fly. They cannot embrace the high heavens; cannot hold the skies within their palms. It is not before them that great mountains kneel to their heights, and the trees do not surrender to their grandeur.
We, the Harbingers of Death, devour their every harvest; we take refuge in their sacred churches, rearing our children within the sanctuary of the holy grounds, and we consume the flesh of their unfortunate fallen brethren, scavenging and claiming what we desire from their remains. We of great numbers cannot be commanded nor can we be contained; we are revered by some, and feared by many. Death’s eye and claw.
Justice shall be poured upon the lowered heads of humankind, as it is the rule of nature. If they wish to be the superior being, then they shall have to defend themselves as such. This will—”
“Shall we attack the humans, Ousel, surely surely?” A low voice interrupted, a soft chirp paired with a set of gentle, silvery eyes. They stared expectantly with a kind of youthful anticipation.
The elderly crow nuzzled the fledgling tenderly, quietly settling into the pocket of twigs and grasses high up in the eaves. In the moment, it served as a safe haven for the pair, far, far away from the wicked world. “One day, my dear one.” He replied, a croon rumbling deep in his throat. He wrapped one of his wings around the creature’s small, delicate frame and he nestled closer. “One day, when the time is right, we shall. But that is for the future to come…for now, sleep well my heart, knowing all will be righted once more.”
Ousel watched as the fledgling was taken by the tendrils of a peaceful sleep, his sharp eyes resting on the brand new, white spotted feathers that were beginning to grow in. A heavy guilt began to take root in Ousel’s heart, and he sagged gloomily under the invisible weight. It was only a few sundown's ago when Faolan’s mother and father were murdered in a corn field, shot down mercilessly by crudely made arrows, their pointed tips stained crimson.
Squinting his eyes, he could recall the twang of the arrow leaving its hand to fly true to its mark, and the dying shriek they had let out as the projectile pierced their flesh. He had watched—only watched, for what was he to do?— in a startled dismay as their limp, ruffled bodies plummeted to the dirt, dark blood blooming from the holes in their chests. It was the smell of fresh blood he could recall very well.
Where the crows had fallen, white blossoms flowered between thick roots, almost as if the earth in pity for the unjustified murder, had created an eternal resting place for the creatures to sleep…though they had not been destined to be put to rest. When the humans found them, they devoured the pair like some common farm animal; such beautiful beings robbed of their grace and dignity. Ever since then, guilt had been eating Ousel alive, for it was he that had told them to scavenge that field; he alone was responsible for their wretched death.
The pitiful chick was hardly a moon old, barely fit to have left his nest, and yet life thought it amusing to toy with the young creature. Faolan was born different from the rest—how or why, Ousel was not sure—although he knew it would cause him difficulties later in life. Such imperfections were not taken kindly in the wild. That he knew for certain.
But until he was old enough, the orphaned fledgling would be under his care, and he could protect him from the world as best as he could.
“Sleep well, dear one,” Ousel whispered, closing his own eyes slowly, “in knowing I shall watch over you, in honor of your kin. Sleep well, knowing in the name of our kind, they shall be avenged.”
Ousel was only biding his time, until it was right. Mankind would soon learn what it meant to be superior being, and underneath the bosom of the high heavens and reeling stars above, the old crow waited patiently. As it was, words were simply only the beginning of Ousel’s plan, just a mere thread in the tapestry of his grand, final design. In the end, his kind would one day flourish. All he had to do was wait.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there! I'm Rox and I'm here with a review for your story. :]
Your writing has somewhat of a poetic tone, it really adds to the intrigue of the story. The descriptions of the humans are quite fascinating, specifically how you went from "they croon their songs of love and endearment" to "innocence is befouled with the cruel, bitter taste of affliction" -- I think it sets the stage for something like a dystopian vibe...You've written a nice first chapter for your novel here. I especially liked the beginning of it, it made me think of a sort of prophecy that was being said aloud. His other dialogues also have something similar, like a lullaby but at the same time part of the narrator's thoughts.
Ah, I love your use of the word 'fledgling', it somehow adds an innocent layer. The background story of Faolan's parents makes the story flow nicely since that states the reason for Ousel's guilt and his plan. I see one of your genres is romance, so I am intrigued to see if this is about the story of the parents or someone else's.
It is already interesting, but I do wonder what kind of birds the characters really are, if they are somehow magical, and if that is what makes Faolan 'different'. Those things are still a somewhat unclear for me, as is the world that they live in. I would suggest adding small details about that, or perhaps it follows gradually in the other parts so it isn't too abstract. Do keep in mind, that's merely a suggestion, and considering it is entirely up to you.
Ooh, what does Ousel have planned? I feel like a war will soon be upon them. What a good way to end the chapter, you've put the reader to think and wait for the next step!
That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!
Cheers,
Roxanne
Wow thank you so much for the review, Roxanne!! I appreciate all your feedback and I will keep that all in mind when writing future chapters! <33
You're welcome, inks! Glad to hear the review was helpful ^^ Good luck with your project!
Thanks a bunch!! <33
Wow talk about a killer opening. This definitely grasped my attention assertively, and I kept wanting to read more. Loved this!
Thank you thank you! Glad you enjoyed!! <33
So so much
Inks at it again! Your work is amazing as always
Ahh thank you Hartley!! <3
First of all: this hook is spectacular. Any time a story begins like this, you can feel the resentment in each word from the narrator. (or in this case - since its dialogue - who I'm guessing is the main character?)
I immediately wanted to know WHY Ousel thought this; the ambiguity leaves room for so much speculation.
Which leads me to my next point: the pacing is great! You didn't waste any time with the exposition, which was very well executed through a moment of Ousel's guilt that led him to recall that past event. It was brief, but it was enough, and you didn't just dump exposition in the reader's face.
Lastly, I would like to say the attention to detail when it came to describing Ousel and Faolan was great - especially Ousel, I could imagine his voice vividly as I was reading.
Overall, this is as close to perfect as an introduction to a story can get. Great pacing, interesting characters, a hook that immediately captures the reader. Keep up the good work because I'll definitely be coming back for part 2!
Happy writing!
Wow thank you so much for the positives review!! I%u2019m so glad you enjoyed it !! <33