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139,599 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hello inkstainedhands, I have a few thought for you:
I mean wow. At first, when I read the first line I was kind of hesitant, thinking, "Oh no, a play on Frost". But I think you really disproved my hesitance. It was really quite something. The image of the overgrown is just wonderful. Well done.
I'm still okay here. We're still keeping up with this lovely theme of the outsider. This narrator is so different that they don't even travel the road less traveled. Their feet aren't even in the same arena. The second line starts to fade from this, though.
Here's where we start to get away from what you had, I think. You've built up this wonderfully different sort of idea, a breakaway from norms, and then you weigh it down with these regular and pedestrian ideas. I really think that it might be best to eliminate this whole concept of including another person in the poem, a lover. But if you want to keep it, I think you should really just try to keep with the whole tone of otherness; the wishes of the narrator should be absurd and different to match their path-forging.
I'm just really not a fan of these lines. They really drag everything down because they are ordinary and don't really give us much. They don't do justice to the first stanza where you've set up this idea with wonderful potential. What I think you can really do is show us what the new path will look like. It has the potential to give us some great imagery and allow us to understand the narrator than these lines here. Forget the past, move onto the future! You narrator already has.
Meh again. I will say that you rhyme scheme isn't distracting and I think the verse is rather nice. I would just really like to see less of the ordinariness of the love talk and shackles. Your poem is figuratively "shackled" by them. The mood you set is one of moving on to the future, so I think that should be the focus. There could be some reference to the past life, but for it to make up the second half of your poem drags it down.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
EDIT: Yay my quote thingys worked. Good to know for the future.
Hows this?
Hello there Inkstainedhands! ^^
I want to start off with saying that I really love your username and welcome to YWS! ^^ We are excited to have you here. And I see you've already posted two works! =D That's great! <3
Alright, let us take a look at the nice piece you have got here! ^^ I really enjoyed reading this. I'll start with talking about the structure and then move on to the plot and all that other good stuff.
Structure:
It is a nice length and has a great rhythm in it. I would like to see separated stanzas though. It would be even more attracting to read if it looked like this:
But that's just my opinion and it's up to you whether you want to put a few blank lines there. ^^
Plot and all that other good stuff =P:
I like how you didn't use many descriptive words and yet made this poem sound poetic. I can actually see the imagery here, so congratulations on that! You also managed to get the story across just fine! =)
I do suggest you try and replace one of those three "path"s with a synonym, so it'll sound a little bit less repetitive.
There is not much else I have to say really. =O I couldn't find any grammatical errors (which makes me a totally happy qara XD).
I really enjoyed reading this piece and I hope this review helped a little. if you have any questions, just shoot me a message! =D
Keep up the great work!
Thanks, this was uber helpful
I enjoyed this piece--direct, confessional, but stylistic. It doesn't come off as simply another repetition of the familiar theme of going one's own way. The spirit of individualism here is not simply one forging one's own path, but of re-forging oneself. The music internal to the poem is subtle, perhaps too subtle, as I find the rhyme scheme is fairly vague and easily lost. There is musical potential here, something that will really beautify the unique angle of the piece's message. Give this another pass or two, and see if you can't strengthen that rhyme music.