The streetlight was broken and the shadows were swallowing his face, but I could clearly see his knife. I grabbed my brothers bat and woke him up "Jimmy wake up,Mom is taking us to I.H.O.P. but you got to go into her room." Jimmy practically ran to my Mom's room, once he was in I reached for the big book shelf by the door and barricaded the room "I was the man of the house got to keep them safe!"
Ever since 9-11 when my father died I became the man of the house. I slipped out of the kitchen window attempting to get the jump on the man. There he was trying to pick the lock on the back door after what seemed like an hour I finally go the nerve "ARGHAAARGH!" I felt the bat shatter his shoulder blade.
I beat him until I lost my breath and my Mom woke up "Mom call 911!" The police came and told me about the man and how he has been on a killing spree, they caught him once but he tricked the guards to fight themselves. The man yelled at me "I will get you boy,I cruse you,HAHAHHAHHAHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH!"
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
this is a good storyline but it moves fast. if you took some time to build up the suspense and describe what your character is feeling and doing in the moment it would be tons better
How does a shadow swallow?
I'm assuming that the character is moving around; but you really should give us a sense of where he is. Is he watching from a window, is he out on the street? You need to show the character moving from room to room; preparing.
Read this out loud. It sounds awkward; replace it with something else; or get rid of it altogether.
It would flow smoother if it said "I became the man of the house after my father died on 9-11.
Isn't he barricaded in his mother's room? When did he enter the kitchen?
If he's trying to gain entrance and he doesn't care if anyone is inside; then he'll probably just kick the door down. If he does care; then he'll run.
Shouldn't mom have woken up when he barricaded her room? And if he was barricaded in her room, why not call 911 from there? Also, instead of writing that many "HAHAHA" stuff, it may be better just to say he laughed maniacally. The back story behind the killer sounds pretty hokey too.
All in all, the story was all very confusing. You need to work on your dialogue and showing the characters moving from one place to another. It's not very good, but I wasn't all that good when I was your age either. Keep writing and you'll get better.
"cough", break up into paragraaaaaphs!
Aaaaaargh 