Published June 24, 2010
"Please lock your doors and windows,for your safety please do not leave your house." Jimmy looked at me in fear, fear of what moms going to do us when we get home or why the guy on the radio is telling us to hide in are houses, problem was we were in the middle of central park at midnight. "Come on Jimmy lets get home." we took off in a nice pace but then I saw him then I knew what that guy on the radio was talking about. "Run!" about twenty feet later I looked back and couldn't see Jimmy I stopped dead in my tracks. There he was holding Jimmy by the hair the sick grin on the mans face sent me into a cold fury and I charged straight for him. I felt him before I saw him,his fist connected with my jaw, I was out cold. "Jimmy!" I was in a cold sweat "what, go to bed Jake." I felt relived, it was cold so cold then I saw the window it was open so I got up and closed it and then I saw a figure in the ally by my house.......................................................
If you want to find out what happens next read cold sweat (continued)
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140,913 Literary Works • 673,732 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well at first glance what I immediately see, or rather don't see is some paragraphs here. This piece has more than enough happening in it to warrant at the very least two if not three paragraphs and having it all in this one single wall of text doesn't work out too well here. I think you've gotta try and look into things there and change that about a bit.
Moving onto the piece here, thing are a teensy bit confusing here. I feel like I do understand the base of where you're coming from here, but things are a bit harder to fully process here as a reader and that's not a great sign, especially considering how short and simple this piece happens to be.
The premise here is interesting. As a reader you are curious about what's happening and there's a decent sense of mystery floating about, but I feel like a lot of that ends up being a bit lost in the text due to those other issues that plague. Soo, while this is a fun idea here, that I would probably read a second part of, this needs a bit of a rewrite to properly work here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Welcome to YWS!
A few people have already picked up on the grammatical errors that--for me--were an issue that detracted from the overall draw of this piece. Since it's a rough draft, a few problems should be expected, and your style is very interesting, nonetheless.
I found myself a little confused at the very beginning, because you don't have any introduction, really. I'm all for jumping right into a story, and plunging headlong into the action, but I think an entrance like this is generally baffling. For what you are doing here, you might benefit from a more casual start before you up the intensity.
It was very short, and although I imagine you meant it to be this way, it also makes it difficult for us to get an idea of what's going on. It's unsatisfying, and although its interesting, we still can't put our finger on an overall tone or concept to latch onto as we continue reading this.
It certainly has potential, though. Very nice work!!!
Hiya inkmind. Welcome to the site! I'm KD, and I'll be reviewing your work today. I'll try not to repeat anything ace said, haha!
'Looked' is past tense and 'telling' is present tense. So, 'telling' should be 'told', since your story is written in past tense.First, watch your tenses, and ellipses!
You went from past tense (looked) to present tense (looks) in this example:
About ellipses: ellipses are three periods in a row. I think you were trying to use an ellipse in the last sentence, so make sure you only use three periods, not five billion!
Second, make sure that you start a new paragraph every time a different person speaks. Here's my example, in dark green.
"How are you doing?" Bob asked.
"Pretty good, you?" Jim answered.
"Not so great," Bob said. "I got lost in the Grand Canyon in the morning."
"That sounds horrible."
Third, proper nouns!
Where is Mom? If you just use the name 'mom' like this, you should capitalize it. (This rule goes for all relative names, like Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, etc.)
Where is my mom? But if you use 'mom' like this, with a 'my' in front of it, then you do not capitalize 'mom'. (Again, this rule goes for all relative names.)
Also, remember that you should capitalize names of certain places, like 'Central Park', since it's the exact name of a park.
Overall:
Not bad! You had a good beginning, which got me interested, and a very interesting title. This definitely has promise.
Hope I helped! Keep up the good work-
KD
Hey inkmind! You've got a pretty good story coming along but you've got to watch out for punctuation mistakes. Comments/suggestions are in bold. :]
This was a bit more like the blurb on the back of a book than a story. Add onto this but be careful of punctuation errors, especially where to end and begin sentences. Describe the setting and characters more.
-Ace
Wow..really a cold sweat..are you going to continue?