Published March 12, 2008
Me and my friend wrote this during school so I dont know if it's any good...
In the realm of the fairies,
a tiny queen is born.
It is harvest moon night,
and the rest is time in the mourn.
But wait! Twilight is breaking,
the Queen raises her hand.
And instantly beauty sweeps,
all throughout the land.
The Old Queen perished,
during the birth of her only child.
So, how will the little fairy grow,
control the wars of the wild?
She's just a tiny baby,
but hope lies in her hands.
And perhaps she still can save us,
from peril in the sands.
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I liked it, good imagery. It made me picture a scene from a disney movie that I can't remember the name of where Goofy is a faery and has to save someone. Random and weird I know, but it made me smile all the same, and I love smiling.
~Rory Evelyn Legend
Good
A jointly-composed poem
teamwork at its finest!
Now then, about your poem: I think it needs some work, but I also think its got potential to be an incredibly interesting and riveting piece of work. There's a reason that the 'half-world', including faeries, form the subject of some of the more intriguing works of literature we have, and that's because it is a naturally free topic, something people finf they can experiment with and break the conventional laws of storytelling. I guess what I'm saying is that you have something here with the potential to be almost anything.
Toward that, then, you're going to have to develop this story, tease some background out for us: what are these wars that are raging? Did the Old Queen plan this, did she know it was coming? Is this representative of something, are they repercussions in our world? Things like this you have the power to take anywhere, because it's your fantasy world, you make the rules.
This has so much potential, I'd really like to see you take one idea from it, work on a narrative and a philosophy, and run with it - I think you could draft and redraft this a few times and make it something really excellent and mind-bending.
Good luck! I hope we'll see more of this one.
In the realm of the fairies,
It was pretty good. So lets do some math!
a tiny queen is born.
It is harvest moon night,
and the rest is time in the morn. - "mourn"
But wait! twilight is breaking, - capatalize twilight
the Queen raises her hand.
And instantly beauty sweeps,
all throughout the land.
The Old Queen perished,
during the birth of her only child.
So, how will the little fairy grow,
control the wars of the wild?
She's just a tiny baby,
but hope lies in her hands.
And perhaps she still can save us,
from peril in the sands.
A poem could be extremely sucky, but if it rhymed well I would love it.
This poem wasn't sucky though
Good poem + Rhyming = Freakin' Awesome poem.
Math doesn't lie.
You should write a sequal to this poem, after you touch it up a bit. Capatalize some things and correct some misspellings.
Great job!
KEEP WRITING!
Great poem. The use of "but" to begin the second verse indicated a change in the movement/flow of the entire piece. Maybe I'm over examining it, but for some reason I'm drawn to reading poems about fairies!
Warm Regards!
-Elitehusky
This line doesn't feel right. You meant "morn" as in "morning", right?
The queen raises her hand. And by the way, later on in the poem you capitalize queen. Is this the same queen or a different one?
I think it would look better if "old" is capitalized. The Old Queen perished.
I think it would sound better as "control the wars of the wild".
Now on a more positive note, I really enjoyed it. I like these types of fantasy stories and poems, so I didn't get bored reading. It was creative, and the story in it was interesting. Some of the words are a little too simple, I think. "She's just a little baby" also didn't feel right. Maybe "She was just a small child" would be better. A little food for thought.