Prologue
She's mad, Simon thought to himself for what must have been the millionth time in his pathetic life. I must be just as insane for associating with her.
And yet...Inez's plan seemed to be working. Despite the fact that the odds should have been against them—the fact that the majority, although weak, should not have been crushed by the stronger minority—everything seemed to be falling nicely into place.
The fierce, mad empress of an empire hidden from most mortals—save for her helpless captives—sat in a tall tree that overlooked Camp Tecumseh, the former children's summer camp that now housed countless miserable slave. The vampiress played a lively invented tune on a tin harmonica that caught the milky light of the full moon and drew Simon's gaze upward. He trembled as he neared the base of the massive oak, cleared his throat, and opened his mouth to speak.
Inez's song suddenly ceased. In a flash, she thrust herself off the strong branch and landed startlingly close to her employee and close companion. Simon jumped and took several steps backward at her arrival. She had sensed his presence, and had no doubt already discovered his purpose in coming to her.
“Who's come to visit?” she asked, obviously irritated that he'd interrupted her in her song. “It had better be someone of consequence.”
“Y-yes,” he stammered. “I believe he is.”
The vampiress sniffed the air. “Human,” she observed, brown eyes taking on a wild, furious light. “Carson?”
Simon nodded. “He wants back in,” he reported.
Inez smiled wickedly, fangs slowly retracting. “Saw that one coming,” she said, turning on one heel and heading through the forest toward her cabin office. “Thank you, Simon,” she called back on her way over.
Samuel Carson's tall figure slouched in a wooden chair that sat in one corner of Inez's small, orderly office. The human had changed little since Inez had last seen him. Despite the fact that his dark hair had grown unkempt and gnarled, that his face was unshaven and sloppy, and that he had ever-so-kindly brought the scent of human body odor wafting into the room, he still looked the same.
Excellent, she thought, approaching the man.
“Thought you'd come crawling back eventually,” the vampiress hissed. “What made you change your mind?”
Not missing a beat, the man looked up replied quickly, “Money.” He sighed and narrowed his eyes. “Sometimes the need for it outweighs the desire to live an ethical life.”
Inez grinned slightly. She always had liked this guy, but she wasn't about to show it. “That it does,” she agreed. “Which is why I am hesitant to allow you back, as tempting as it is to earn my gold stars for helping out a poor, starving critter like you.”
Samuel's brow furrowed. “I'm not the man I was,” he assured Inez. “You can depend on me now. I promise.”
She raised her dark eyebrows, stepping steadily closer to Samuel. The repentant traitor began to quake with fear as he found himself cornered, at the mercy of this immortal whom he had betrayed only a year prior to this terrifying reunion.
The human's eyes widened with horror as he watched Inez's nails slowly lengthen into impressive, razor-like claws. He tried to worm away, but the vampiress forced him mightily to the cabin wall with the heel of her hand and pressed one nail dangerously against his jugular.
“Can I, now?” she asked, her voice a low growl. “Can I really depend on you, Samuel Carson?”
“You can!” Samuel whispered hoarsely, pressed so hard against the wall that his back began to ache from the pressure against the logs. “I swear!”
Inez's eyes smoldered. Of course she knew that Carson truly was repentant, but she felt the need to punish him for leaving her establishment in the first place—she found it kind of fun, really. She pressed her nail harder against his neck, just hard enough to cause pain but not break the skin. The man cringed.
“Please,” Samuel breathed.
At length, Inez released him. “Very well,” she said. “You're in. Just know that I'll be watching your every move. You'll not wander outside this establishment without my express permission.”
“Yes, ma'am,” the unfortunate human answered, catching his breath. “Thank you.”
“And,” she continued, lowering her voice an octave. “Know that I, like you, am not the person I was. I've gathered a host of useful powers—powers that should be enough to keep wandering feet like yours in line.” She stooped down to his slouching level and lowered her voice an octave. “I'm no longer one to be trifled with. Understood?”
“Understood.” The human could barely meet her deadly gaze.
“Good!” she chirped, voice suddenly bright as if she had merely been making light conversation with a good friend. “Now, you came by just in time. See, you're probably familiar with the progress I've been making in the field of massive hostage and kidnapping.”
“I have heard of it,” Samuel admitted. “Everyone has. It's all chaotic, and I sort of figured you were behind it.”
“You're not the only one.” Inez rolled her chocolate eyes. “I've had to deal with more than enough spies and busybodies for my liking. Decided to tone down my methods of capture...for a while.”
“So then...” Samuel began. “I'll be doing what I was doing before, then?”
“Exactly that,” she replied with a nod. “Nothing more.”
Wonderful. When Samuel had decided to come back to Inez's establishment, he had assumed she had permanently changed her methods of capture. He hadn't expected—nor desired—to go back to the up-close and personal method he'd used before. He would have rather assisted in the capture of a whole school than be solely responsible for one innocent girl's kidnapping and enslavement.
Sensing Samuel's apprehension, Inez turned to him and reminded him, “There is no turning back now. If you fail me one more time, I will not let you go—I promise will kill you.”
Samuel bit his lip. What had he gotten himself into? It was a lose-lose situation.
At length, he decided that he would rather live at the mercy of his own guilt than that of Inez's fangs and claws.
“I'm in,” he breathed. “Where shall I start?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Alright, I get what your saying about the whispering thing.
I will most definitely look for it
Thanks for your response!
I agree with most of what you had to say. I'm in the process of un-NaNoWriMo-ing it, so bear with me.
Inez is the head of a slave camp, so she *needs* an office for records and such.
I made a mistake when writing the part when he's begging Inez. In my mind, Inez was practically choking Samuel, and all he could manage to to do was whisper. His "please" should have been not only a plea for her to let him work for her again, but also a request that she not kill him.
Samuel is supposed to be a coward, but maybe "manning him up a little" would be a good idea.
Again, thanks for the response! Look for a second draft in the not-too-distant future.
Sincerely,
inkdragon
Vampires! Ah!
Here I go:
Just doesn't sound write here. I think you should delete it.
Okay, well this part confused me. She is talking about Simon here, not Samuel. So I think you should put make the sentence say this: "In a flash, she thrust herself off the strong bench and landed startlingly close to her employee and close companion, Simon." That way, readers won't get confused if you were talking about Simon or Samuel here.
ew, ew ew, I hate this! She is a vampire, why does she have an office?!
Okay, so the way you write does not sound like 21st century dialogue. Saying 'guy' here just threw me off. I think you should say "man." Also, the 'had' should go before the always.
I can not imagine him 'whispering' here. It just doesn't sound right. He's angry, right? He wants to prove he can be trusted! Don't have him wimp out and whisper something to her!
A
Doesn't make sense...
So, your story interested me. I have a few things.
You seem to want to write beautiful out-there sentences, but some of them turn out sounding weird! Be sure to proofread, and maybe even read it out loud, just to get a feel of how your readers hear it.
Your characters are alright. I really like Inez. Her dialogue and thoughts totally fit the strong, independent and fierce vampiress she is. On the other hand, I hate Samuel. He is far too girly, and a little bit of a wimp. At one moment, he goes back to her, hoping for her to forgive him, which is brave, obviously, and the next he whispers and begs. I know she has to be less menacing than Inez, but please man him up a little!
Good story, I hope you keep going with this!
~Classy