Published April 9, 2008
Imagine you and I go back in time
to see life through a child’s eye,
Climb onto a little blue kite
and sail into the big clear sky,
Gaze down at our insignificant antics
of moments lost in the past,
Life like an ant way down
flashes memories we thought could never last,
But one action changes fate’s endless ripple
which you can not stop,
We float above the years, over mistakes,
over joys, over it all to the top,
Till sprawled on the land we see
the far off picture our lives create,
The way God may see us,
the image the stars shine on for no one’s sake,
And if we do not smile back
at our life’s reflection there in the sky,
Perhaps it is because we see the truth
of our broken twisted disguise,
The kite drifts down and splashes
in and out through the sun’s light,
We know the things we saw just then
would come back in the night,
Our little minds are ticking fast,
our little minds working it all through,
Two little girls given the chance to fly
and see the world from a better view.
(thx 2 sythe for the
paragraph hint:)
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141,274 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
I don't think i completely get it but it sounded lovely.
I don't really get it, but I still like how you put it.
I like the words you used and how you used them.
This isn't the greatest Poem i've ever read, but its a start.
Hehe... I'm on ya now Elsie. I admit I like this poem I agree about linebreaking it more. My only other problem is repition of blue. It seriously hinders, try another colour instead of blue. I really love the child hood feel of this poem. It was cute and quite adorable. Lastly change our little minds to something else to make it flow better. Sorry can't be much help. Overall: It's a nice idea, I give ya that. Quite nostagic in some respect.
Good luck
VSN
----------------
Listening to: Thought Riot - The Coming Storm (unreleased)
via FoxyTunes
Hey,
I quite liked your poem, but maybe you could put it into stanzas rather than lines of two. I loved your use of metaphors and strong phrases. The rhymes also went well. I'd love to read more of your work.
Vaishnavi
Very well done. I do think that there could be more line breaks like this:
Imagine you and I
Go back in time
To see life
Through a child's eyes
I think it gives the poem more beats. But I like the metaphors, the condesencing language...Heck! I loved everything about it!
I'll admit it: this poem was almost impossible to get through. You need stanzas. Here, let me edit this how I would input those:
Imagine you and I go back in time
to see life through a child’s eye.
Climb onto a little blue kite
and sail into the big blue sky.
Gaze down at our insignificant antics of moments
lost in the past.
Life like an ant way down
flashes memories we thought could never last.
But one action changes fate’s endless ripple
which you can not stop.
We float above the years, over mistakes,
over joys, over it all to the top.
Till sprawled on the land
we see the far off picture our lives create.
The way God may see us,
the image the stars shine on for no one’s sake.
And if we do not smile back
at our life’s reflection there in the sky,
Perhaps it is because we see the truth
of our broken twisted disguise.
The kite drifts down and
splashes in and out through the sun’s light.
We know the things we saw just then
would come back in the night.
Our little minds are ticking fast,
our little minds working it all through,
Two little girls given the chance to fly
and see the world from a better view.
As for the poem, I thought it was brilliantly written. Just... everything about it was so good. But take into mind that those stanzas would really benefit you.
:Sythe: