Perhaps you like the fear;
The pain, the crime, the sin.
Perhaps it makes it clear;
The name, the right, the kin.
Perhaps a silent cry at birth
Would haunt our future earth…
'It’s ok to kill for money',
My father said to me.
'It’s ok to kill for money.'
A righteous shot in the dark,
Expected, within reason.
A limp man, raw and stark,
Farewell to his season.
Perhaps a mother’s groan at birth
Would deny another’s worth…
'It’s ok to shoot for pennies',
My father said to me.
'It’s ok to shoot for pennies.'
Crisp notes lined up neatly,
Illegal, clean, and closed.
Family ties close and tight,
Beautiful disgrace exposed-
No, never a sound at birth,
Never to haunt our earth…
'It’s ok to kill for money',
My father said to me.
'It’s ok to kill for money.'
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I really love this. I love how you repeat the right words and phrases at the right time. Very well done indeed.
Thanks for all the pointers guys
I'm pretty sure it's moving in the mafia direction but i avoided mentioning that because of the whole cliche side of things.
Obviously I dont think it's ok to kill for money...haha.
Thx for the colon tip
Peace
wow..this was really good. only two things for me to comment on: 1)if your going to rhyme, it REALLY helps to have a rhyme scheme. you almost had one here, but you deviated just a tad. not everyone seems to mind about this, but in my opinion it really makes or breaks a rhyming poem. 2)i would change the repitition at the end of each part--maybe just have it at the end? it would have a more poweful punch that way.
really great poem, keep it up!
I really liked this. Excellent rhyming and rhythm. I do have some concern about the message. I don't really think it's appropiate to say that it's ok to kill for money. Also, you need to add qoutation marks in some places.
Those need quotations becuase your father is telling you that it's ok to kill for money and to shoot for pennies.
Other than that, this is pretty good. Keep up the good work.
Rick.
Thats a really nice poem and I agree with the colons. It would be right to add them in.
`There is a feel to the poem which is hard to understand but i think that if someone that had lived that life was reading it, it would make nothing but complete sense. *Great Job.
Wow...that could be published.
I'm not sure but it seems to me like their should be a colon after 'fear'.
Once again, might be a colon after clear but I"m not positive. Also, to what is "it" referring? I don't believe it's specified...
This doesn't make sense to me...maybe I'm missing something. Should it be "said farewell to his season"?
This kinda breaks the rhythm, it just doesn't flow well...
~~~
And that's pretty much all I got for corrections but wow.
I love this poem, really. I love the rhythm, I love the diction (fantasic diction!) and how the last three lines stand out above all in each stanza...wow.