Published April 27, 2008
*I am experimenting with everything, and in this letter I was trying to get emotion without too much fluff, as well as getting the point across strongly*
Dear Lover,
My words taste different in my mouth and I feel ashamed for this need of telling you how I feel.
You and I know it would be so much better to keep my mouth shut and continue living in the dark but I fear for my heart’s survival.
Please let me breathe these words to you and do not reject them.
All I need is your ears to hear and understand how my heart is thinking.
And to know that it is truth that I can not dispute.
I’d rather die than lie. I’d rather try than die.
This is what I need to tell you.
I love you.
Now may all the taboo of this world and your fearful soul
pour down on me and leave me frozen in my words of truth.
It is all I expect.
But the congestion within my soul is no longer suffocating me.
Yours truly,
the forbidden soul knocking at your door,
Grace
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141,451 Literary Works • 674,462 Reviews
I really like this letter and if someone sent me this I would think they realley loved me. I has tryed this before, writing a letter. it just got me into kac. my favourite bit is this as it really hits me.
Please let me breathe these words to you and do not reject them.
All I need is your ears to hear and understand how my heart is thinking.
And to know that it is truth that I can not dispute.
I’d rather die than lie. I’d rather try than die.
This is what I need to tell you.
I love you.
Hmm..
Funny. I thought about reading this as I saw it a few weeks ago but then changed my mind and now here I am again.
What I really like was this:
I’d rather die than lie. I’d rather try than die. (the ryhming caught me off huard and I thouroughly enjoyed it).
This is what I need to tell you.
But then...
It goes off to the I love you part.
BORRRRINGGG!
How many times has something like that been written?
However; giving you the benifit of the doubt; your beginning is very unique up until this point and creative.
I did like the way you explained your feelings throughout and especially before thisline:
"It is all I expect. ".
You did a great job at expressing yourself and your vocab was okay too,.
At some points I felt issues in the way it sounded rythmically (some parts were off) but that can be fixed up.
Decide those parts on your own.
Happy Editing.
7.5/10
If you could rephrase that somehow or perhaps not incorporate the "I love you" until the end I feel it would be much more appelaing to the critiques.
Thanks for the crit Alainna
Hey Ink.
First off, I liked the simplicity of this. It flowed well and the fact that it was short works to its advantage.
The repetition from the last line to this makes it seem more like poetry and 'I'd rather try than die' is a bit cliche if not 'fluffy'. I just think you could do better.
This might just be me but I don't like this sentence. Again, it's a bit meh. I think I feel like this because the word forbidden suggests more than you give.
Overall, a very good piece and you have managed to tap into a different style and tone.
Keep trying out different styles because your very capable.
Alainna
xxx