Kisses for each cigarette, more tender
than any she bestowed on you.
Open mouthed, she marks them as her own with creamy lipstick collars
of ladybug red, flamingo pink, smoked purple,
and yields them up to freefall
to be extinguished with a footstep.
This is easier, she thinks.
And, thumb on the sparkwheel,
she begins again,
pressing hungry lips to her next generous partner.
You watch and you understand.
Each ignition is a contract
that begins and ends on her terms,
each glowing inhalation a transaction,
an intimacy you cannot hope to share.
But this is what she needs, and what you cannot give.
Lighting, consuming, five lovers each day
is no way for you to live.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello fellow YWSer, Gladdy here for a quality review.
Alright, first of all, shape your lines. Shaping your lines makes the poem look neater and feel neater. This is also important to the quality of the poem, because the lines will sound the same length /and/ look the same length, which helps with the flow. But first impressions are key as well, you want to draw your reader into a neat-looking poem.
You also need to separate the poem into stanzas, I'd recommend about 4-5 short lines per stanza or 3-4 longer lines per stanzas, but not too long!
Something I noticed was that you switched tenses in the first few lines. You can't do that, keep it to one tense unless you're using something like a flashback in a story.
I like the feeling this poem gives off, it's a bit of a mystery and a bit of danger. This woman is obviously a bit of a heart-breaker, and you presented that pretty well.
I very much like this poem, but I feel the ending was a little weak. That's about all I'd like to nitpick on.
Good luck and keep writing, you've done pretty well here!
~Gladdy
Hello inexhaustiblesource!
I was hoping I could give you a quick review on your poem.
Honestly, really great poem!! It's so beautifully written and flows really well!
For starters, I would perhaps improve 'Burnout' by using a little more flair with your vocabulary when you begin your description of watching the girl smoke her cigarette, specifically "You watch and you understand". Maybe you could go into more detail about how you feel as the narrator watches her.
Anyway, continue these very inspiring poems, and I would love to read many more as soon as I can! Keep writing!