Young Writers Society

Hi indraputra! Welcome to YWS! I'm dropping by for a review of your prologue. Seems intriguing here!

The first paragraph wasn't so gripping. Half of it was devoted to describing Amarant and character description doesn't exactly pull in a reader unless it's really interesting, right? Maybe you could include the character description later?

You write pretty good prose. It's rather on the longer side, and the variety of words you use aren't too obscure but not too simple either. But I agree with the reviewer below that you have too many adverbs here. The amount of adverbs distracted me. I'm not pointing out every single one here because I'm sure you'll find them if you search your manuscript.

Ooh...a mention of Midgard--this sounds a tad like Norse mythology. This is definite a complex world you have here, and I'm quite interested to know more about the world. Your description is really strong, but I would like it better if you didn't clump it up into one paragraph. Just weave it into the rest; let it flow with the actions and dialogue so I can really feel it. I'd also like to have other sensory descriptions.

The first half was great. The dialogue between the djinn and king was fascinating, and I love the way you combine multiple mythologies. Still, the second half fell rather shy for my expectations I had. I felt the action was rushed, and I was pulled along to the King's demise(?). It might help if you slowed down a bit. Show the setting. No need for gore or something like that, but I felt as if the action was pulling me to the end before I had a chance to understand better.

To think about your prologue...well, I am interested to read on to chapter one. I can't tell you whether this prologue is effective or not till I read on to the next chapters, sorry. But it interests me enough to turn the page, I believe. Hopefully it's something that happened in the past? If it is, I'm kind of predicting a hero who'll fight this monster or something like that. Either way, you've got an interesting story here. Well--that's all I've got to say!

Greetings! Welcome to the site. Let's get right into the review!

Criticism:
“Ah, just what I had feared,” Amarant said, as he landed on the perch of the castle’s rooftop, slowly walking towards the King. Amarant’s pale skin and light blue hair had clearly contrasted the crimson sky, and as he approached nearer, his elegant wings folded gently behind his back.' Okay, so this is an alright introduction paragraph, but I cannot help but feel that the comma between the words "said" and "as he landed" is necessary but that is simply my opinion so make of that what you will. Also, the word "nearer' just sounds a bit odd and not needed to me, given the definition of the word "approached".

“The storm took us by surprise, and it did us a number,” the King *spoke*, “but we prevailed.” Is the correct way to say this.

'It *glittered* a pastel grey on the King’s hand, yet afar it appeared darker, like the clouds that hanged above it.' Is the correct way to say this since using the form "glitters" contradicts the past tense used in the rest of the story.

'The sandstorm was followed by a frequent flashes of blue light, and the beating of its wind was so hard, that occasionally the wind was felt grazing the skin. One could not help but wonder what lies beyond the storm, what evil could such enormity bring asunder.' In this example, the word "lies" also contradicts the past tense used in the rest of the story.

'the King took out a metal key from a string of golden chains hanging from his neck, and handed it to Amarant, which he clenched it in his fist.' the word 'it' is not needed here, so I suggest deleting it.

Be careful about overusing adverbs, although I tend to have that problem too, so it's nothing to be ashamed off. Just consider cutting back next down and deleting some of them. The word "only' is especially overused here.

"Though, I appreciate your concern, but I fear only the worst. Ragnarok is our only salvation now, and the end is nigh! May we meet again in another life, brother.” First off, I think the comma between the words "Though" and "I appreciate' is a bit unnecessary, but that's just my opinion so make of that what you will.

'He took another single glance towards the horizon before he proceeded down towards the basement.' the word 'toward' is used twice here, which seems a bit lazy and odd to me.

Criticism aside, I found this very enjoyable. The dialogue is interesting and I like the suspense you build in this prologue. The ending was especially entertaining and I look forward to seeing where this story goes.

Keep writing! After all, practice makes perfect!